Beyoncé might’ve lost the Album of the Year at the 2023 Grammys, but the good sis is about to get our coins. Everyone (with funds, sha) is going on and on about queuing and getting tickets for Queen Bey’s upcoming Renaissance Tour. But with SAPA everywhere in Nigeria, I’ve come up with a list of ways some of us struggling members of the Beyhive can see our Queen too.
Become a POS operator
The way POS operators charge for transactions, it’s clear they’re about to replace Otedola and Dangote on the Forbes list. By the time you charge 500 people ₦3k each to withdraw ₦1k, you’ll have your flight and Renaissance ticket money, shikena.
Ask your boss for five to ten years’ salary advance
Think about it, what are you using your future salary for? Why not focus on the now? Beyoncé’s tour is now, so please, call me if you need help convincing your boss.
Dream about it
If you go to bed listening to Beyoncé’s Renaissance, there’s a high chance you’ll dream about it. Even though it’s in your dreams, you’ll still get to watch the show live, and that’s all that matters.
Have dinner with Jay Z and beg him to beg his madam
For the first time ever, I suggest you choose dinner with Jay Z over anything else in life. Meeting oga and pleading your case might get you VIP tickets to his madam’s tour, or you guys may become friends, which is a good consolation prize.
Ask your parents for your inheritance
You see that land or money your parents always say they’ll leave you in their will? Collect it now. See, you can’t wait until they die anymore because Beyoncé will be done performing by then, and if you don’t see Beyonce, you too might end up dead.
Use your rent money
Who needs shelter when you can get the Beyoncé live experience? Now that we’re on the same page, I’ll advise you to cuff those tickets and prepare for life under the bridge when you get back.
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Become a witch and avoid flight tickets
I won’t say too much before I wake up with a boil in my eye tomorrow. Just remember that ticket prices are rising, so it’s a wise time to diversify your modes of transportation.
Manifestation
You’ll need three vital things to make this work: a silver disco ball, a picture of Beyonce from her Dangerously in Love era (to show you’re a day-one fan), and finally, candles that smell like Beyoncé (I don’t know what she smells like either). Gather them in one room, kneel down and chant that “Tip tip tip on hardwood floor” part in Heated, for 20 minutes daily.
Your ticket and flight money will appear one week later.
Convince Bubu to make you an ambassador before he leaves office
Ambassadors get to have their lives funded by the federal government while they avoid naira and fuel scarcity in a foreign country. This is the best time to call Buhari and ask him to make you the ambassador to one of the countries Beyoncé will visit during her tour. Bubu owes all of us; call in your favour before it’s too late.
Join the Illuminati
It’s hard to miss your Mummy GO’s concert when you’re a loyal member of the Illuminati. You know what? Forget Beyoncé tickets. Joining the Illuminati would be a great networking opportunity for all you aspiring billionaires. Start by getting a form from their Yaba branch today.
Find a glucose guardian
Why hustle for flight and ticket money when you can use someone else’s money? The thing is, you need to find this sugar daddy or mummy ASAP because it may take a while for you to romance them enough to give you their ATM pin. It’ll be tough, but watching Beyoncé sing Alien Superstar will make it all worth it.
Give up
Dear, you couldn’t afford Asake’s ₦70k tour in 2022, but you think you can land Beyoncé tickets in 2023? Please and please, let’s be serious here.
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