Nollywood is improving and we appreciate them for it, but the sex scenes still need extra work. If you watch Nollywood movies hoping to get an idea of what sex looks like, you will be shocked. Here are 9 unrealistic things you will encounter in Nollywood sex scenes:
1. Opening the door and scattering things.
Nollywood (and Hollywood) have some sex scenes that leave me wondering what exactly is going on. Two horny people bang the door open and suddenly start rushing each other like hot jollof. They’ll kiss against the wall, scatter the table, break bulb, remove wig, yank off eyelashes, all the while squeezing and roughing up each other like kitchen foil. Wetin dey go on? Why are you people treating sex like hot yam? Is that how people do it in real life?
2. Questionable sex positions.
I know the idea is not to turn it to porn, but at least make it as realistic as possible. Your actors are doing doggy style but it looks like they are doing bumbum choreography. Plis plis plis. Even the dogs that are the actual inventors of the style sef don’t do it that way. Doggy well or don’t doggy at all.
3. Sex under the sheets.
I am a virgin oh, but even at that, I know that people don’t have sex with the duvet covering them up. First of all, it will impede movement. Secondly, all that kpa-kpa-kpa is happening under a duvet and you are not scared of the heat that will cook up your genitals? By the time you finish the first round under that thick sweater you call a duvet, prepare to emerge with a boiled kpekus and John Thomas.
4. Intense sex but the make-up is still intact.
They will rough up someone in a Nollywood movie, and by the time they are done, the make-up is still intact, eyelashes is still popping, wig is still set. Who are you people deceiving? Ordinary kissing that we are kissing people, things are shifting positions. But you all will now do all that tug of war and nothing will change. Please, please, just stop.
5. Fake moans.
PLEASE STOP OH. JUST STOP. I know people fake moans in real life and films try to be as close to reality as possible, but some fake moans are too fake, please.
6. Ejaculation faces.
Don’t even get me started on this. Can’t we have men looking pretty when they arrive at “the destination”?
7. Kissing with morning breath.
Nollywood (and Hollywood) people wake up and start kissing each other. I don’t care how much I love whoever is in bed, but if it’s early in the morning and a toothbrush hasn’t touched that mouth, please keep it far away from me. Keep iniquity away from my holy mouth.
8. Unrealistic timing.
Just look at this. Una no get job?
9. Collecting tea after sex.
I kid you not. I saw this movie where the actor gave the actress a cup of watery Milo in the morning after sex. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he said, “Thank you for allowing me deflower you.”
First of all, girl, I am disappointed in you. Someone entered your flower garden to pluck it and you are collecting watery Milo?? Best believe if it were me, I’d be asking you for your entire life.
Anyway, the whole point of this is simple: Sex happens a lot differently from what Nollywood shows us. Please do better or don’t do anything at all. Let your characters be virgins, we will collect it like that.
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