How To Annoy An Older Nigerian

Nigerians, much like the country we come from, can be varying reiterations of the same living, breathing paradox. One of the best examples is in how we view our attitude – Any description of Nigerians that does not use the word ‘resilient’ often feels incomplete, yet we have unimaginably short fuses.

Ever walked through Ojuelegba on a Monday evening, preferably between the hours of 5 to 6 pm? You can almost taste the anger in the air, whether it manifests as car horns tooting unnecessarily or frustrated office goers trying to find their way back home in time to manage 2.3 hours of sleep.

If you’re lucky enough, you might even catch a fight or two. Did you hear that short burst of noise followed by a heavy thud and then even more noise? That’s the fight. It already happened.

Nigerians get angry at just about everything. But older Nigerians – well, they’re in a class all their own. We could chalk it down to a number of things, but what matters is that they like things a certain way.

Never mind that this ‘way’ is like the Manchester United way, a myth that is only usefuul for criticising perceived slights. When things don’t go the way an older Nigerian wants, you will know.

Sometimes, as in one case that involved a certain Nigerian Nobel Prize winner and Tony One Week, they begin by acting like they’re angry on behalf of other people. But do not be deceived – as we’ve learned from our mothers and fathers, it can be beautiful to watch, except more often than not, like the bicep-tattoo guy from this story, you’ll end up being blamed for everything, even if you were completely within your rights.

To avoid stories that touch, many of us have had to learn the inner working of the older Nigerian’s mind since we first tried to hand our parents money with our left hands and spent the remaining week wondering if we were adopted.

We want to help you too – that’s why we put together a few things that are sure to annoy any Nigerian. I would advise you to not do these things, but seeing as you may be Nigerian too, just do as you wish. I’m not trying to annoy you either.

• Tell Them To Line Up In A Queue

Nigerians live by our own laws – and we make them up as we go. It’s not that we are allergic to queues. It’s just that we know there are faster ways to get inside that bus than asking people to line up.

When you’re younger, it may involve flying in through the window. But when you’ve lived up to 60 years in this endless re-enactment of “12 Years A Slave”, the average Pa Bayo believes he’s earned the right to jump the queue and just get what you need done. Woe betide you if you dare ask him to respect the line? What could you ever know about respect?

• Show Them That You Don’t Know Who They Are

This is how 90% of fights that happen in traffic get escalated. Random guy bashes other random guy’s car. The two begin a shouting match, then the older man hits turbo mode, beats his chest, raises his hands and shouts to the high heavens, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”.

No, we don’t, oga. Nobody does. Who you epp? Who are you? Do you have grey hair and stories of fighting in the Burma War that just don’t add up given you’re still alive? No? Now that you’ve been stupid enough to ask, kindly enjoy the endless trolling you just earned yourself.

• Ask For Your Seat Back

Kindly see the Twitter post below. May God save us from fighting on behalf of people who did not send us message.

• Show The Slightest Sign Of Disrespect

Or worse still, do something that shows you do not acknowledge or regard their presence. See, respect is to older Nigerians what croissants are to the French and Pasta is to Italians. That’s why the preferred Yoruba way of greeting older people can range from a slowed-down push-up to lying down with legs flailing like a beached whale.

I’m convinced that Nigerians have a secret pouch that you collect when we turn 30 where allows us to collect respect throughout the day and convert it into dollars or something. That’s the only explanation.

• Serve an older Nigerian food without obstacles

‘Obstacles’ or ‘motivation’ is slang for the random, often lonely piece of meat or fish that motivates the average Nigerian to finish his/her meal. Never mind that in other climes, meat and fish are major parts of people’s diets as opposed to the way we present them as the cherry on the top of a giant bowl of rice.

God forbid you serve an older relative their food without meat; on the rare occasion that it’s unavoidable, you’ll have to apologise in person before serving the food. When you don’t, if they’re nice enough to not insult you in person, you’ll see it in the Church or Family Whatsapp group in a matter of weeks. Don’t ask how.

• Having a Foreigner Insult The Country

No one knows how shitty Nigeria is more than the people who come from here, for obvious reasons. So kindly explain why we should allow a foreigner to leave their own country and drag our own through the mud? Answer na!

The funny thing about this is that we could well argue that the older generation of Nigerians oversaw our descent into the abyss – and many of them agree. But here’s the thing – they might not like the men in charge of our country’s affairs or how they’re running the country, they may drag us and our name in the mud in their Whatsapp BCs on a daily basis, But please be informed that they are the only people allowed to do these things. This thing should be in the official Nigeria Travel Guide even.

What other ways do you know to annoy just about any older Nigerian? What did we leave out? Let us know in that box below..