Two days ago, I asked Nigerians to share what would happen if Nigeria hosted the Olympics and just as I expected, they did not disappoint. Not only did they understand the assignment, they spiral-binded the whole thing and submitted a day in advance.
Taking a page from their assignment, I have decided to compile it into a play.
THE DAY BEFORE THE OLYMPICS
A white BBC reporter is standing outside the stadium, speaking directly into a camera.
Reporter: Today, Nigeria is making history as the first African country to ever host the Olympics. Athletes from every part of the world will be landing in the country today…
A random Nigerian passerby comes to stand behind him and waves into the camera. The reporter stops.
Reporter: Please, we are recording here.
Man: I know. I came to collect omo onile money.
Reporter: What?
Man: 12k.
Reporter: The government said we can record here.
Man: And where did you see the government here?
The reporter gives him some money and he walks away. The reporter goes back to reporting.
Reporter: According to reports reaching me, the Jamaican team is now at Murtala Muhammed Airport and will be heading to the…
(The reporter stops and presses the earpiece in his right ear) What? What? (He looks straight into the camera) The Jamaican team has been taken from the airport by law enforcement officials. They say all of them have dreadlocks. (The reporter pauses to hear the news coming to him) Even Usain Bolt?
Reporter: News reaching us now is that Usain Bolt has also been taken into custody. And even though he doesn’t have dreads, the Nigerian police think he looks like a scammer.
A day before the Olympics. The reporter is sitting with Nigeria’s Honourable Minister of Youth and Sports Development, Mr. Sunday Akin Dare and other ministers.
Reporter: Honorable minister, the swim team has been complaining that there is no water in their hostel to take a bath.
Sunday Dare: Is it not swim they are going to swim tomorrow? Why do they need to bathe?
Reporter: We have not seen half of the American team since they arrived. Do you know where they might be?
Sunday Dare: Me too I have not seen them.
Reporter: When will the kits be ready? The games start tomorrow.
Sunday Dare: Let me call our tailor (He calls Abba) Hello?…. When??? …. Are you sure?? …. Don’t shift it again o! Okay. Okay!
Reporter: When will they get it?
Sunday Dare: December 12.
Reporter: But today is August 6th.
Sunday Dare: That’s what he told me. Abi you will talk to him?
Reporter: Mr. Lai, viewers from around the world are complaining that they may not be able to watch the Olympics.
Lai: Do they have NTA? It’s only NTA that will show it.
DAY OF THE OLYMPICS.
Everybody is standing outside the gate waiting for the stadium to be open.
Sunday Dare: (yells) Who carry key go house yesterday?!
Sellers and vendors start arranging their wares in front of the stadium.
Vendor: Buy Gold Medal! No need to enter, buy gold here!
The gates are finally opened and everybody enters.
Commentator: The games have begun! Let the Olympic torch be lit!
Yoruba people: Ha
Commentator: Where is the Olympic torch?
Yoruba people: We used it to cook party rice oh.
The athletes are preparing to start. President Buhari and other dignitaries are sitting in the stands.
Commentator 1: The relay will be starting soon but it appears the batons have disappeared.
A young man runs out with a basket and hands the athletes something.
Commentator 2: Are those brooms?
Buhari: HAY-FI-SIII!
Commentator 2: Back to the 100 meters race.
An athlete slumps.
Commentator: (screams) We need first aid on the field!
Sunday Dare: Go and pour glucose in her mouth!
Nigerian official: Someone has licked glucose finish o.
Sunday Dare: (yells at the athlete) STAND UP IN THE NAME OF JESOS!
Commentator: It is time for the indoor javelin game. And now, England steps up. She is going for it.
As the England athlete is about to throw it, the power goes out and the javelin lands next to Lai Mohammed but he holds his face and screams.
Lai: (yells) NO MORE UK VISA FOR ANYBODY!
Nigerians:
Commentator 1: The next Javelin throw is from Nigeria.
Solomon Dalung steps up.
Commentator: What is he doing? That is not a javelin!
Solomon Dalung aims at Sunday Dare.
Sunday Dare: IF YOU SHOOT ME!
A fight ensues.
Commentators:
The medal ceremony is being held and all the winners are ready to be presented their medals.
Commentator: Where are the medals? There appear to be none.
Sunday Dare: The welder we gave the job to, his mummy is sick so he went to the village. So we will give you souvenirs.
Commentator: What?
Sunday Dare walks up to the winners and hands them a baff with the inscription ‘Adieu Mama T, courtesy children.”
Everyone:
THE END OF THE OLYMPICS.
Reporter: We have come to the end of a very eventful olympics. Nigerians have been so welcoming. Some of them have chosen to see the athletes off.
Nigerians at the airport:
Reporter: And some athletes have chosen to stay back as they seem to have found love in a clearly hopeless place. I’ve been Mark Zugarbe, for BBC.
Nigerians at Ikoyi registry:
The cameraman turns off his camera.
Cameraman: When is our flight back to England then?
Reporter: Oh I wouldn’t hold my breath. Our pilot has been stuck in traffic for four hours. Just get your passport ready f… (he checks his pockets) Did you take my passport?
Cameraman: No. (searches his pocket too) Wait. Mine is gone as well.
