Today, I will be recapping the 2022 erotic thriller, 365 Days: This Day.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
This wildly imperfect cinema masterpiece is the sequel to the equally awful 2020 film, 365 Days. If you haven’t seen that, click here to read my recap of it before you start reading this. Or read this first and experience everything in reverse. Don’t let me tell you what to do.
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Before we start, let’s all join hands and gaze upon this movie’s Rotten Tomato rating.
TRULY ICONIQUE!
Let’s get into it
Surprise! Even though it looked like she died at the end of the last movie in a Princess Diana style assassination attempt orchestrated by Massimo’s enemies, Laura is alive and well. How? The film doesn’t care about explaining, so I don’t care either. The movie starts with what looks like Massimo and Laura’s wedding. Massimo is wearing a black tuxedo, and Laura is in a wedding dress and the most unconvincing wig I’ve ever seen.
It’s all love and fun as we’re shown a close-up montage of the love birds kissing and hugging. Then out of nowhere, Massimo hoists up Laura’s wedding dress and they start furiously bumping genitals.
Now, I’m well aware of what goes on in this franchise so I expected more sex scenes than Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge. What I did not expect, though, was to see them having sex on their wedding day in front of their friends and family. So I’m sitting in front of my laptop, clutching my non-existent pearls like:
When a woman suddenly screams. I know it’s not Laura screaming in ecstacy because they haven’t even been fucking for long. The camera pans out to reveal that Massimo and Laura have been alone this entire time. It’s their wedding rehearsal dinner, and the scream we just heard is from Laura’s best friend and maid of honour, Olga, who’s just mistakenly walked in on them while innocently bringing Laura a variety of potential wedding night lingerie.
Massimo and Laura get married for real in the next scene, surrounded by their friends (?) and family (??), and it’s all super cute. When they get home that night, Massimo looks deep into Laura’s eyes and says:
But Laura is like:
She ties him to a chair and proceeds to masturbate in front of him.
As I’m wondering if Massimo had something more erotic planned and is probably disappointed by this, the camera cuts to a closeup of his face, and I stop wondering because he’s clearly having the time of his life.
When he can’t take it anymore, he breaks free from the chair, tackles Laura to the bed, and they both engage in a genital meet & greet.
And so begins their honeymoon, which mostly consists of them having sex every minute of every day. Here they are having sex the next morning:
Here they are about to have sex on a golf course:
Here they having sex in a jacuzzi:
And here they are having sex in the pool:
When the honeymoon ends, they return to the real world, and Laura soon realises that Massimo hasn’t changed. He’s overprotective and refuses to let her go anywhere or do anything without bodyguards. To avoid her nagging, Massimo sends her and Olga on a vacation. While they’re there, Laura says something about feeling bad for Massimo because he’s always working (i.e. doing mafia stuff) and all she does is eat his money. Olga is like:
You know what Laura decides to give him?
You guessed it. SEX.
Money, clothes, fast cars, and vacations aren’t enough to quell Laura’s desire for independence. She once again asks Massimo to:
And Massimo is like:
Because she almost died in a car bombing, he must make sure that she’s always safe. Laura gives up and lounges in her enormous garden when a hot ass gardener sashays into the movie’s plot. He introduces himself as Nacho — I die laughing because NACHO?! — and is sexy as hell. Seriously, his introduction montage has strong photoshoot-before-the-porn-scene energy. He flirts heavily with her…
…and she caves immediately because Nacho is a stunner.
Christmas comes along, and Massimo admits that he was wrong for being overprotective. He gives Laura a clothing line because he knows she likes fashion, and Laura is over the moon. She says she’ll give him something he’ll never forget as a thank you. If you’ve been paying attention, you already know what that is.
A few weeks later, Laura is at a party with Massimo when he suddenly disappears. She goes looking for him and catches him having a quickie with his ex-girlfriend, Anna.
Laura is distraught. She runs out of the party and comes across Nacho, asking that he get her out of there. After driving the whole night (the party is happening at night and it’s morning by the time they stop driving), Laura says she wants to leave Massimo and never come back. Nacho seizes the opportunity and is like:
You would think that after being kidnapped in the first movie, Laura would know not to go off with strange men. But she’s like:
While Massimo is sad that Laura has gone MIA, she’s busy living it up on a beach with Nacho.
As all this happening, I’m wondering how a gardener is able to afford a beach house. I mean, look at this:
It’s randomly revealed that the person we saw having sex with Anna at the party wasn’t Massimo, but MASSIMO’S TWIN BROTHER, ADRIANO! Adriano has been working with Massimo’s ex-girlfriend, Anna. They planned to get Laura on her own that night and kidnap her, but Nacho just happened to show up (?) Anyway, Adriano is doing all this because he’s jealous that their father left the family’s empire to Massimo and not him.
Shonda Rhimes was found dead on the set of “How To Get Away With Murder.”
Laura is starting to catch feelings for Nacho. As she’s having a sex dream about him one night, someone breaks into the house, but Nacho knocks the person out. When Laura asks how he can afford a beach house on a gardener’s salary, Nacho mumbles something about a wealthy father and distracts her with his hotness. He later reveals that he’s the son of a mafia family that’s the rival of Massimo’s. Laura is pissed.
Nacho reveals that he worked for Massimo as a gardener so he could kidnap her for his father. His father plans to use her as a bargaining chip to get Massimo to step down as the leader of his mafia family.
See ehn, I’m as confused as you are by all this.
Nacho’s father summons Massimo to tell him all this, and in the middle of the meeting, they all realise that Laura, who Nacho brought with him and handed to his father’s bodyguards, is somehow missing. Massimo and Nacho go looking and find Laura with Adriano and Anna. After spitting exposition everywhere, we get the funniest Mexican standoff in the history of film. Anna shoots Laura in the stomach.
So Nacho shoots Anna square in the boobs.
Adriano attempts to shoot Massimo but Massimo pumps bullets into Adriano’s shoulders.
Nacho briefly considers shooting Massimo in the face but decides against it and leaves. And so the movie ends, with a crane shot of Massimo crying with Laura in his arms.
Here’s the thing, though. I know Laura isn’t dead. How do I know this? Because the third movie in the franchise is coming in a few years. Yes, we’re getting another one!
The End
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