Today, I will be reviewing the most insane mobile game ads I have ever seen.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
You know what?
I get it
The mobile game ecosystem is harsh. It’s hard to get noticed when thousands of developers worldwide are trying to make the next Among Us or Candy Crush. Even those games I just mentioned aren’t as popular as they used to be. They were hot for like a year or two and eventually went to join once-legendary games like Angry Birds and Subway Surfers in the mobile game afterlife in the recesses of our minds. The need to stand out is also why mobile game developers started lying about their games’ appearance in their ads.
The lies started small. And because I understood their plight, I was willing to overlook these cute little untruths. However, the lies have gotten out of hand. Mobile game developers have started lying about what the hell their games are about. They attack us on every website and social media with ads featuring the wildest plots this side of a Tyler Perry Productions and Wattpad crossover. So, today:
Because I can’t take it anymore.
Here are the most insane mobile game ads I’ve come across.
Let’s get into it
Merge Mansion.
In this video, a sad woman in a wedding dress gets down from a cab. Her dress is drenched, and her mascara is smudged, so it’s clear that this poor lady has been through it. When you think it can’t get worse, Sad Bride Lady (this is what I’m calling her now) turns around to see that her house has burned to the ground. Sad Bride Lady starts bawling her eyes out but is interrupted by a call from her grandma. Grandma gives Sad Bride Lady a house on the condition that Sad Bride Lady renovates the house herself. Sad Bride Lady gets to work and is having a blast serving Bob the Builder realness when Grandma suddenly gets arrested. As she’s being driven away in the police car, Grandma gives an evil smile and sticks her palm to the glass to show Sad Bride Lady a message: He’s still alive.
Who’s still alive?? Sad Bride Lady’s fiancé who left her at the altar? I assumed that he ran off with some other girl. But could Grandma be the reason he never showed up? None of these questions are answered when you play the game because it has no story whatsoever. The entire game play is just Sad Bride Lady cleaning an enormous house.
It’s like The Sims, but for people who like to clean.
If anyone knows the name of this game, please drop it in the comments because WTF??
In this hilariously horrifying clip, a red-haired, heavily pregnant woman is walking down the street when she spots her boyfriend crossing the street hand in hand with another heavily pregnant woman. Before red-haired, heavily pregnant woman can process the fact that her boyfriend has shared his seed with another woman, she gets hit square in the stomach by a football that comes out of nowhere. She falls to the ground crying as her water breaks and forms a pool around her.
Again, WTF?
Project Makeover
Two hot girls are working out at the gym. I’m describing it as working out, but all that’s happening is that one girl is releasing incredibly toxic farts (the fumes are green) into the other girl’s face. Before you have a chance to ask whatever the fuck is going on, the camera pans out to reveal that they’re being watched by an unkempt girl who seems to also has a fart fetish. She longs to join them but knows she can’t until she gets a makeover. So she showers and attempts to look presentable but doesn’t do a great job. She approaches the farting ladies but is told to fuck off with more vitriol than Benita Nzeribe used to tell Rita Dominic that she stinks with poverty in that one old Nollywood clip.
The moral of this story: Always be down for a makeover so you’ll never be turned away from an orgy for being too ugly.
Whispers
These screenshots tell the whole story. The guy in red flannel loves his wife but can’t resist the sheer hotness of his suit-clad boss. After thinking it through for a few seconds, and because body no be firewood, he gives in to the carnal pleasures of the flesh and lets his boss give him a hand job.
It’s a tale as old as time, really.
Tasty Makeovers
This one is just like the ad where a pregnant lady gets hit in the stomach by a football. A pregnant woman, who looks a lot like Britney Spears returns from the grocery store, complete with a baguette and celery sticking out of the brown paper bag, to find her husband doing some Kamasutra sex shit with another woman. The husband is spread out on the dining table while the mistress hangs from the ceiling with Christmas lights on some Cirque du Soleil shit and vacuums his tonsils with her tongue. Pregnant lady has two options: endure or leave, and she leaves and delivers her baby alone in a building with no roof in the middle of a snowstorm.
Let’s end this one that took meta to a whole other level.
Girl, I’m done.
The End
To the developers putting out these insane mobile game ads, maybe your games would do well if you put as much effort into the actual gameplay as you do the fraudulent ads.
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