Today, I will be reviewing the most insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet.
Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
The things I saw while researching this article have scarred me for life. If you see me on the road, squeeze $16,000 into my palms.
I have the best job in the world. Do you want to know how I know this? Because I came across this tweet yesterday:
And immediately decided that this week’s “So You Don’t Have To” would be about insane Nigerian porn titles on the internet. My job allowed me — nay, required me — to go through dozens of pages of porn. You wish you had my job.
Also, if you see me on the road, give me a hug and rub my head. I’ve seen horrible things.
I Care A Lot (2020), starring Rosamund Pike.
To be clear, the protagonist of this film would hang around a building full of blind guys, knowing that they would immediately get lost when trying to go anywhere and pretend to help but would direct them to an uncompleted building next door to have sex? I stan a scheming queen.
It’s giving Ralia the Sugar Girl all grown up and looking to provide some sugar.
Where is this local bathroom that she just stumbled into the evil forest from Igodo while looking for it? And why is she naked?
Daddy Bubu has indeed ruined everything. Even Nigerian sexual role play ideas.
You know what? These are trying times, and if Nigerians use role-play to cope with Daddy Bubu’s terrible presidency, so be it.
How To Get Away With Fornication
This story has more plot twists than the 2019 Nigerian crime thriller film, The Set-Up. Inject it.
Maybe this can be the plot of the inevitable Nneka the Pretty Serpent sequel Charles of Play is planning.
I love that the marine kingdom is evolving with the times and now accepts all other forms of payment. Shout out to the current reigning Queen Mother for all her hard work and innovation.
I’m thoroughly confused by this. Did she not know she was naked? And she was sitting on
Temptation Everywhere All At Once (2022)
I wonder if this is what it was like for the people that angels were coming down from heaven to bump genitals with back in Noah’s time.
Old Roger Is Dead (2022)
My theory is that she bumped genitals just above his grave, and Roger wasn’t having it, so he cursed her with leprosy from the afterlife.
Awwwww. I stan a progressive couple.
I can see a piano, so I hope to God that this becomes a musical at some point.
That’s fucked up.
Why the bush, though? Doesn’t the chief’s son have a house??
Things move so fast that you almost forget the implied incest.
Why was she bathing her stepsister?
How To Get Away With Fornication 2: Day of Reckoning
Is the wife having sex with her boyfriend at the gate? That’s hardcore.
My favourite thing about this is how cocky the protagonist sounds.
Somewhere in the multiverse, there’s an insanely misguided White Hunters spin-off named Black Hunters, and this is the plot.
I love behind-the-scenes tea.
There’s way too much going on here to understand, but I’m happy the cameraman got to join in the fun.
Ah. The oracle sef??
Oracles need good loving too. Who knew?
Is…is that the protagonist’s inner monologue?
Konji is a terrible thing.
I’m going to leave you all with the worst of all.
Everything about this is cursed.
The End
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