Once upon a time, an insane Christian book that claimed the devil created football as a tool to destroy humanity trended on the internet. I did the dirty work of actually reading and recapping it. The article was so popular that I decided to make my recaps into a weekly series named “So You Don’t Have To “, where I find batshit crazy pieces of media (books, movies, etc.) and recap them for your pleasure.
“The reason one of the taglines for “Saltburn” is “We’re all about to lose our minds” is because that’s exactly what happened to me when I watched these sex scenes from the movie.”
– Me (2023)
If you haven’t seen “Saltburn”, you probably already know what it’s about. Oliver Quick (Barry Keoghan), a student at Oxford on a scholarship, becomes obsessed with Felix Catton (Jacob Elordi), a wealthy and charismatic classmate of his, and proceeds to infiltrate his life, a task that becomes easier for Oliver when Felix invites him to spend the summer at his family’s sprawling estate named Saltburn.
Oliver eventually succeeds by engaging in insane levels of lying and scheming. He also does some things that can only be described as fucking unhinged. If you’ve seen the movie, you know the things I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you’ve seen posts on social media about them. Those scenes are what we’ll be going over today.
The One With The Cum-Flavoured Bathwater
So we’re like forty minutes into the movie at this point, and out of pity, Felix has invited Oliver to spend the summer holiday with him and his family at their estate. Felix and Oliver are staying in adjoining rooms and share a bathroom. One night, Oliver peeps through the bathroom door on his end and finds Felix beating the shit out of his meat in the bathtub.
Oliver finds this hot as hell.
So after Felix sprays his man seed in the bathwater and leaves the bathroom, Oliver has an idea.
He climbs into the bathtub and rubs his face in Felix’s cum-flavoured bathwater.
Just when you think the scene is over, Oliver takes it up a notch by sticking his tongue down the bathtub drain and slurping up what’s left of the cum-flavoured bathwater.
The One With Period Blood
As soon as Oliver arrives at Felix’s family’s estate, Venetia (Alison Oliver), Felix’s sister, takes a weird liking to him. She parades the estate grounds in a see-through nightgown in view of Oliver’s room window, hoping to get his attention, and she does. He comes down to meet her, and after a sexually charged conversation, he says he wants to eat her hairy snail. Venetia isn’t against it but points out that she’s on her period. This doesn’t deter Oliver at all. He looks at her and says…
And proceeds to eat her out, looking like Beelzebub from “End of the Wicked” in the process.
Oliver also feeds her the period blood in what I assume is a kinky display of their power dynamic, but I won’t show you that because I hope to make heaven someday.
The One With The Non-Consensual Genital Meet & Greet
Farleigh (Archie Madekwe), Fexlix’s cousin and classmate at Oxford, is super suspicious of Oliver when Fexlis starts hanging out with him. Farleigh also lives at Felix’s family’s estate and hates that Oliver will be spending the summer there, so he keeps doing things to prove Oliver is a creep, including reporting Oliver to Felix for eating Venetia’s ponmo. Oliver doesn’t like this, so he sneaks into Farleigh’s room one night and straddles him.
Farleigh tries to move, but Oliver holds him with his thighs. He tells Farleigh he doesn’t like how Farleigh’s been acting, asking him to behave. Farleigh responds by saying no twice but says yes the third time. Then Oliver does this…
…and pleasures Farleigh either by handjob or anal sex. The scene is shot in a way that doesn’t make it clear.
The One With Graveyard Sex
This one has a kind of a long setup, but stay with me.
Throughout the movie, Oliver tells Felix (and the Catton family) details about his home life. He says both his parents are poor drug addicts and that his father recently died of an overdose. Felix’s pity for Oliver is why he invites Oliver to stay at his family’s estate over the summer. On Oliver’s birthday, Felix surprises Oliver by driving him to see his mom. What Felix meets is not what he expected: Oliver’s father is alive, his parents are not drug dealers, and they live in a respectable middle-class suburb. Felix is horrified by Oliver’s lies, telling him to fuck off. Felix is found dead the following day.
After Felix’s funeral, Oliver goes to Felix’s grave, lies on it, and cries. This goes on for a while, and you start to feel bad for him until he…
…and starts dry-humping the fresh soil on the grave!
All this happens in the rain, by the way.
Bonus Entry: The Finale
It’s not a sex scene but involves nudity, so I’m throwing it in here. By the movie’s end, Oliver is now the sole owner of Saltburn and the Catton family fortune. How did he do this? By all that lying and scheming I mentioned earlier. Let’s go over it.
He orchestrated the incident that led to him and Felix meeting and poisoned Felix’s drink to avoid being exposed for his lies to the rest of the Catton family. He set Farleigh up for theft, causing the Catton family to kick him out of the house. He orchestrates Venetia’s suicide by suggesting it to her while she’s in the bathtub and leaves razors nearby. Felix’s father, James (Richard E. Grant), dies of a broken heart not long after Venetia’s death, so Felix’s mother, Elspeth (Rosamund Pike), who has taken a liking to Oliver, asks him to live with her permanently.
Elspeth becomes fatally ill a few months later. As she’s on her deathbed, after putting Oliver as the sole heir to the Catton fortune, he reveals to her his role in the series of unfortunate events that have happened to her family. He turns off her ventilator and watches her die. Then he proceeds to do cocaine and dance naked around the mansion — swinging his actual penis, not a prosthetic — to Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s “Murder on the Dancefloor.”
THE END
