I can’t say if it was stumbling on Regina Askia’s Instagram or just plain nostalgia.
But for whatever reason, I’ve found myself thinking about the classics from my childhood; the movies that raised me.
It would take a time machine to bring back the feeling of watching those movies for the first time so I got thinking; what if someone remade these movies for the present era.
Below is a list of my ideas for remakes of the movies I grew up on. If this seems too specific, it’s because I spent too much time thinking about it.
Also, if you read this in the future and someone has made one of this into a real movie, send me their address.
Just A Little Sin (2000)
This movie is the reason I spent my teens mortally afraid of sex. You probably know the story – young lady has pre-marital sex, gets pregnant and dies for her sin. Who needs such negativity though? Not me. Not my kids. That’s why we need to remake a version that’s appropriate for the times.
In my version, a student has sex for the first time, but instead of all that fear-mongering, she goes on a tour of discovery where she learns about her body and having sex the safe way.
We can call it “Just a little knacks” for the culture and show it for free at universities. Sex education never sounded so good.
Most Wanted (1996)
I remember sticking the video cassette tape in the player in the middle of a school night as I and my mum consumed this movie in its entirety. It was the first time I saw a gang of women challenge traditional gender roles and choose to be armed robbers. That’s why Most Wanted couldn’t be anything but a feminist manifesto.
In today’s world, they would totally become the poster girls for sticking it to patriarchy and getting the bag in the same breath (operation). And whatever happens, Toni Tones must be a part of the cast… just because, you know, those armed robber vibes from “King Of Boys” must not go to waste.
Issakaba (Chukwuemeka Emelionwu (2000)
Issakaba was our four-part answer to all the gang thrillers that came out of the black side of Hollywood in the late 1990s. The only difference is the gang in focus was a vigilante group that fought audacious armed robbers in their city. But that’s all in the past.
I’m interested in seeing the story of Issakaba, 19 years later.
It will be a typical Nigerian story – the vigilante group has disbanded. Half of them have formed an armed robbery gang, two members are in prison and their former leader is now the governor’s CSO.
We’ll call it “Issakaba: This Life Sha” because, what else?
Ale Ariwo (2004)
As far as Yoruba movies go, ‘Ale Ariwo’ is a complex maze of betrayal, infidelity and unfulfilled expectations that will have you wondering if your bae is actually your bae. But nothing about the movie even comes close to its soundtrack – a piercing number by the inimitable Tope Alabi that is the only thing I remember from the movie.
In honour of one of our country’s best musical talents, I propose Ale Ariwo: The Musical.
Featuring 2baba as the long-suffering husband, Niniola as the adventurous wife and Teni as a random person who ‘freestyles’ her sister’s trade secrets in public and sets a family on fire.
Osoufia in London (2003)
I firmly believe, as seen as in his recent performances in movies like “Lionheart”, Nkem Owoh showed up a decade too early. And while I enjoyed the original, I’m inclined to say even ‘Osoufia in London’ would have banged even more in today’s world.
My 2019 remake of “Osoufia in London” would retain its slapstick humour, except instead of navigating life in Europe as a Nigerian, we’d explore something more timely – Race Relations.
Imagine Osoufia getting arrested on his first night in the country for ‘looking suspicious’, or his reaction when a pudgy-faced 10-year-old flashes him the bird and calls him ‘nigger’. Comedy. Gold. With a tinge of identity politics that would make Daddy Hov proud.
Odds are, among the remakes, this one would most likely strike a nerve and catch a buzz. Imagine us bowing to a standing ovation at our grand premiere at Sundance. The joy of re-posting reviews on Twitter and acting fake-humble when it wins its first award. Maybe I and Nkem Owoh have some money to make together.
Osoufia, call me!
Alice My First Lady (2006)
The first time I watched this film, it just felt great to see another badly behaved woman apart from Patience Ozokwor terrorizing everyone around her. Imagine my surprise when I got to the end and found out my Alice baby ate juju, then her mother put a curse on her.
When they finally get around to remaking Alice, they can keep the title and the love her husband had for her in the beginning, I’m just going to need them to remove the juju poisoning and curse bit at the end and just let her be a badly behaved queen that she is, no juju attached.
Mark of the beast (
Remember that viral video with the talking pounded yam? Yeah, I’m going to need Nollywood to remake the movie that scene is from. They don’t even have to set it in the 2000’s when everyone was going on about the devil coming and the mark of the beast. They could just give it a modern spin, change the title to “5g and the Antichrist” or something, and watch that Chris Oyakhilome champion their cause and give them free promo.
Girls Cot (2006)
The original was messy AF, and the remake needs to be just as messy, if not worse, I already have the plot. The entire film needs to be about them doing one last job. Everyone needs to come back from wherever they went, Queen needs to get out of jail, Bella needs to be married, but cheating on her husband with Alicia and Eve can just exist as she has.
