Twitter is not very different from many markets in Nigeria. Everyone is allowed to enter, and if you hang around long enough, you’ll stop getting shocked at the crazy things your two koro koro eyes are witnessing.
We made a list of all the people you’ll find on your Twitter timeline (TL) if you’re doing Twitter right.
Feminists
These are very intelligent women who do everything in their power to advocate for gender equality in all walks of life. I love them and support everything they do. All power to them forever and ever. Amen.
Alpha males
“As a man, you should never be caught using an umbrella. Show your dominance and tell the rain, “If you touch me, I will slap you.” Be a man.”
People who get upset at everything
Maybe it’s just them.
People who must always have opposing views
These ones wait for everyone to form an opinion before coming out to say the exact opposite (and full of bbuzzwords, don’t forget) just to feel intelligent Like Ololade mi Asake said, “Some of us are wise, every other person overwise.”
Christians
There’s always someone proclaiming their love for Christ or their favourite person of God on the TL. You’ll also see someone come online to share a testimony of a miracle God did for them.
People who’re always ready to drag Christians
Once these ones hear “Jesus” like this, they’re ready to drag whoever mentioned his name. “Oh, so Jesus saved you from death? Why didn’t he save all the other people who die every day???”
Relationship people
You’re scrolling Twitter on your own, looking for something to take your mind off the breakup text you just received. Next thing you know, you see a picture of people celebrating their 12th-year anniversary with before and after pictures, and you begin to wonder if you’re actually a real human being or a potato.
BBNaija stans
My personal least favourite people on Twitter. Why are you fighting over random people in a house who you only knew existed three weeks ago? Why?
Football people
Arguably the funniest people on the platform but also the most unhinged. Leave them to their banter, and you’ll be fine. If you, a non-football person, try to attack their club or favourite players, anything you receive, take it like that.
People that ask the weirdest questions
“Don’t lie, is ₦1.8m enough as a salary for a married man who has two children, two side chicks, lives on Lagos Island, works in Mowe and is processing his Canada japa?
Follow me, I post only bangers.”
Thirst trap people
Oh, you don’t know about them? Just open your Twitter by 1 a.m. and search “TL sleep?” or at the end of the month and search “*Month* Dump”. The things your eyes will see.
Doctors
I’ve not been to the hospital in years because I get all my unsolocited medical advice from Twitter doctors. Thanks guys.
Comrade and vawulence people
They’re like cockroaches. They’re not exactly on the surface (TL) for you to see. But once you open the cupboards (replies), you’ll see them in their numbers swarming everywhere. They even bring drinks and chairs for people who want to be comfortable to witness the “vawulence”.
BTS and K-drama stans
I can’t say anything about these people because I don’t want anybody to cyberbully me. I love BTS people, please.
Follow for follow people
“Ifb”, “No Twitter user should have less than 8k followers.” Let’s start a follow-for-follow thread. Follow everyone who likes this tweet. I’ll follow everyone back too.” In this big 2023. SMH.
Abroad people disguising like they’re in Nigeria
It’s them that’ll first complain about the potholes on Ring Road, Benin, and the UNILAG sun. Check their location, it’s Winnipeg.
UI/UX Design Twitter
These ones are always “playing around” on Figma and “mistakenly” coming up with well-thought-out product designs.
Tech bros and babes earning in fx
“Oh look at me everyone, I have money. Yen yen yen.” If you don’t gerrout.
God, please do my own too IJN.
Influencers
Twitter is an office for these ones. Do they really use the products they’re talking about, or are they being paid? It’s never really difficult to tell, don’t worry.
Banger boys and girls
They’ll steady drop funny or quirky tweets that do numbers. Once they start, they can never stop trying. There have been rumours that many of them have group chats with like-minded individuals who “boost” their tweets. Me, I don’t care. As long as the tweets are funny, I’ll like them. Except, some of them get carried away and start talking rubbish.
