Genital meet and greet can be sweet, messy, funny or intense, but one thing it should never be is boundary-less. Whether it’s “don’t touch my belly button” or “don’t talk to me while we’re doing it,” everyone has that one thing that must never happen in the heat of the moment.
We spoke to 14 Nigerians about the strictest intimacy rules they live by, and why they’ll never compromise on them. From spicy food bans to no butt play these entries will have you seriously reevaluating your own list.
1. “If we’ve argued that day, don’t touch me” — *Ronke, 51
For some, make-up sex is sweet. But for *Ronke, nothing about unresolved tension feels romantic.
“There’s this idea that anger and passion can mix — that you can argue and still end up in bed like nothing happened. Not for me. If we’ve quarrelled that day and it hasn’t been properly settled, please face your side. I’m not a fan of pretending. I need emotional peace before physical connection. We must talk, apologise, or at least laugh again before anything can happen. Otherwise, I feel like I’m giving access to someone who hasn’t even earned my trust back yet.”
2.“No tongues in my ears, please. I’m not a teacup” — *Amaka, 28
Some people crave earplay like it’s the height of intimacy. For *Amaka, 28, it’s the fastest way to kill the mood and possibly get elbowed in the face.
“There’s nothing sexy about having someone flick their tongue into your ear canal. I’m ticklish, for one. And two, it feels like someone dropped draw soup into my head. The first time it happened, I instinctively slapped the guy. I’ve since made it clear — my ears are for hearing, not tasting.”
3. “Don’t talk to me. I mean it” — *Tope, 23
For *Tope,23, silence is golden — especially when things get steamy.
“Communication during sex is awesome but it shouldn’t be like a conductor-passenger dialogue. Communicating should be based on body language — soft moans but never screams. Once I notice my partner is talking during sex, I don’t respond verbally. However, I listen, especially if the person is complaining about discomfort or wants to stop. I just don’t think people should be talking during sex..”
4. “No spicy food before kissing. I’m begging you” — *Fola, 22
Imagine locking lips with the LOYL one second and searching for cold water the next. *Fola, 22, doesn’t move that way.
“I don’t play with my taste buds. There’s nothing worse than going in for a kiss and getting ambushed by pepper residue. I once dated someone who loved food. Sometimes I’ll lean in for a random kiss and my lips would be on fire. Since then, I always ask: ‘What did you eat?’ before any action starts. I remember this other guy who set my nipples on fire. I’m not sure if it was his roughness or spicy food.”
5. “I don’t want to be touched immediately after” — *Obinna, 34
Not everyone is big on post-intimacy cuddles and giggles. *Obinna, 34, falls into the category of “I need to breathe in peace first.”
“Right after sex, I need my me time and space. My body gets hypersensitive and touching me feels like you’re scraping me with sandpaper. I’ve had partners get offended, but it’s not personal. I just need a 10-minute reset window. Then we can talk, kiss, cuddle; all the love and affection you want.”
6. “Don’t go near my anus” — *Kaosarat, 30
Butt play might excite some people but *Kaosarat’s is clearly not a fan.
“A guy once poked a finger in my anus during sex and I was enraged. I was really angry. He did it on purpose and seemed to be amused by my reaction till he saw how serious I was. I didn’t let him touch me for a while. As if that wasn’t bad enough, another was pitched the idea of anal to me and I made it clear that I didn’t find it funny at all. Told him to go and meet men if he was gay. The gay talk seemed to make him back off.”
7. “No biting. I’m not meat” — *Ibrahim, 25
Pain is not part of foreplay for *Ibrahim, 25. The minute your teeth enter the chat, he’s out.
“You can kiss me, grab me, do what you want. But once you start biting, it’s over. One babe bit my chest so hard, I had to check for puncture wounds after. Also, while I can still tolerate soft biting on my body, don’t do it to my penis. I’ve punched someone in the head because of this. It wasn’t intentional; it was just reflex. Although the smirk on her face suggested she did it on purpose.”
8. “I’ve got quite a bunch of rules” — *Hassan, 23
While some people only keep to one or two rules, *Hassan, 23, has a bunch of them, usually laid out right before things get steamy.
“First of all, I don’t like fingers in my hole. Don’t do it. Also, you don’t have to rim me, but if you must, don’t use teeth, or I’ll just push you away. My rule for oral play is also simple: I’ll go down only if you will suck my nipples or play with them at least. With choking, don’t do it if I don’t give consent. And finally, you can cum on my face if you like. I love it. I’m usually upfront with these rules before we get down, but if I have to keep correcting you, that would be the end. I probably won’t see that person ever again.”
9. “Please don’t call God or any spiritual figure” — *Chris, 25
Some people moan their partner’s name. Others invoke higher powers. *Chris, 25, just wants you to keep things simple, please.
“There was a girl who shouted ‘Jesus!’ every time she was close. At first, I thought it was just the heat of passion on something. Then she moved to calling ‘Holy Ghost.’ I had to pause and what was going on. It was so off putting because how are we fornicating and you’re still dragging God into it. Please, let’s not do that. It makes me super uncomfortable and it’s definitely a vibe killer.”
10. “Keep my feet out of this” — *Ayomide, 24
Foot fetishes are a thing, just not in *Ayomide’s, 24, books. Her feet are to be seen, not touched, kissed or (God forbid) sucked.
“I have beautiful feet. I also don’t want anyone near them. No sucking, licking or spilling seeds over them. Even massaging my feet during foreplay will make me sus. For reasons I can’t explain, it makes me feel weirdly exposed — like I’m being spiritually monitored. You can worship every other part of my body. My feet? Off limits.”
11. “I can’t do any sort of baby talk. It gives me the ick” — *Wale, 40
*Wale, 40, doesn’t mind compliments, but if you call him zaddy or daddy, he’s logging out.
“I get that some people find it hot — the power dynamic, the control, all of that. But for me, it’s jarring. I have a daughter. I hear ‘daddy’ at home when someone needs help with homework or wants me to buy Ribena. So when someone calls me that in bed, it immediately pulls me out of the moment. I want to enjoy intimacy with you without hearing a word that ties me back to my parenting role. Call me sweet. Say I’m doing amazing things to your body. But please, leave ‘daddy’ out of it. It makes me feel like I’m playing a role I never signed up for in the bedroom.”
12. “I don’t want quick, silent things ” — *Ajayi, 48
The youngins might be a fan of quickies, but it’s far from the case for *Ajayi, 48, who craves deep intimacy far more than anything at his age.
“As you grow older, you start craving presence more than pleasure. It’s not just about how long it lasts — it’s about whether the person is even present with you. Some people just want to rush and finish. No eye contact, no conversation, nothing before or after. That’s not intimacy. That feels transactional and while I might have enjoyed it at some point, it’s not what I want now. I always tell my wife: ‘If we’re going to do this, let’s take our time. Let’s be there and really enjoy this.”
13. “If I spot a rash or strange bump, I’m gone” – *George, 27
For *George, 27, physical attraction isn’t just about looks, but about what a partner’s skin says. And he’s not sorry for zooming in.
“I know it might sound shallow, but I mentally check out the minute I see anything that looks like a rash or a weird bump. It’s not even about judgment; it’s about caution. Growing up queer in Nigeria already came with so much shame and fear around sexual health. So I tend to over-observe, maybe even overreact.
I’ve ended entire hookups because I couldn’t stop staring at one unfamiliar patch of skin. My friends joke that I conduct visual STI screenings, but it’s a real anxiety. I’m working on relaxing more and trusting my partner’s hygiene and openness, but until then, if my eyes clock something strange, my body shuts down immediately.”
14. “Once I say I’m tired, it’s final. Don’t push” — *Chinyere, 33
*Chinyere, 33, isn’t a “just five more minutes” kind of girl. Once she says she’s done, don’t push it; wrap it up immediately.
“I hate when someone tries to convince me to keep going after I’ve said I’m done. Usually, I only get to that point when it’s starting to hurt or I feel like I’m not really getting the type of satisfaction that I want. Sometimes, I try to compensate with a handjob just so the person can get their orgasm. But again, it’s entirely up to me. You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to.”
READ THIS TOO: How to Handle an Embarrassing Sex Moment, According to 8 Nigerians
