Unless you’ve been living under a rock or have let Tinubu and his unending shenanigans steal your joy, you’ve noticed that the Detty December season is almost here. As always, if you don’t plan ahead, you’ll end up exhausting your already limited “God when” bundle for the year.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. The first step to securing a lit AF December is assembling the sickest gang, and we know exactly which of your friends should make it outside with you.
1. The street native
You need a friend who knows where every single party or event is happening, the exact location, and your estimated degree of enjoyment if you attend. They’re like Google Maps, but for Detty December. If you don’t have a friend like this, you better assign this role to the most socially competent person in your group chat.
2. The bartender
Then there’s the magician, in charge of food and drink. Where others pull rabbits out of hats, this one mixes the most nonsensical things in a plate or glass, but guess what? It tastes amazing and hits differently at 2 a.m. Yes, 5Alive and whiskey sounds like an abominable concoction, but wow, does it work or what?
3. The “No go gree” soldier
December is for the detty, not for the demure. Between hairdressers with their own creative direction, audacious event bouncers, rude servers, and chaotic ride-hailing drivers, you need someone in your crew who can change it for everyone—and who has coins to spare. They don’t accept subpar service, and people know to act right when they’re around.
4. The DMC initiator
Your DMC friend keeps the group grounded with deep meaningful conversations. “Ozeba” is still ringing in your ears, you’ve only just stepped out of the function for some fresh air, and your friend asks, “How are you doing? How are you really doing?” Suddenly, you’re having a heart-to-heart about radical joy and the beauty of being young.
5. The drip lord
And of course, during Detty December, neither friends nor foes should catch you looking unfresh. You need a friend who will give you unbiased, life-saving fashion advice. Plaid, stripes, and polka dots all at once? Send that GRWM to your resident Drip Lord for an assessment before stepping out.
