Some people believe that breakups in romantic relationships are the most painful form of heartbreak, second only to losing a loved one to death. While this may be true for some, I’ve found that platonic breakups — the loss of a close friend — can hurt just as much.
I reached out to several young Nigerians to hear about their experiences with the end of a friendship and how they coped with the fallout.
“He gave me the silent treatment, which he knew was a trigger for me.” — Toyin*, F, 22
My friendship with Tobi ended abruptly last year. He was a friend of my cousin, and after we met in 2020, we became fast friends. Then, last year, we had our first and last fight.
I made a joke in passing, and Tobi told me he didn’t appreciate it. I didn’t have a problem with that and apologised, but he didn’t let it go. He started saying hurtful things about how I was self-absorbed and self-serving. It got to the point that I started wondering if it was because of a joke that we’d made several times in the past with no problem. It turns out that he was resentful and silent about many things that had happened in our friendship over the past four years. But how was I supposed to know what he was thinking if he never spoke up?
After that day, he started giving me the silent treatment, which he knew was a huge trigger for me. After months of trying to reach out and find a way to mend our friendship with no answer, I gave up and started grieving the end of our friendship. I told him not to text me anymore and I apologised for hurting him again. Then he started tagging me in reels and TikTok videos like the past three months of silence never happened.
How did you deal with it?
I think I’m still dealing with it, to be honest. I know there’s nothing I can do to change what happened, but I also know who I am — and the things he said about me aren’t true. Still, some days, it’s hard not to doubt that.
Regardless of how badly he treated me, I still really love him. I could barely eat or speak after our breakup happened. My friends tell me that I’m giving him unnecessary grace, but I think this is how I want to move past it.
Holding on to the thought that he might’ve not meant it, or I triggered him, and I could have handled the situation better keeps me up at night sometimes, but I’m looking to the future now. I took advantage of some free therapy opportunities to help me cope.
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“I didn’t lose a single person, I lost my entire friend group.” — Ayomide, M, 29
I’d been friends with several of these guys since primary and secondary school, and I used to think that we’d be friends for life. We were so close that even if I went to a different part of town alone, people would ask, “Where is the rest of your group?” It breaks my heart that I had to sever our bonds.
We fell out in 2020 because of money — well, how we made money. Back in uni we used to do writing gigs on Upwork and we’d make great money for our age. ₦100k here, ₦200k there; very decent money for the time, but like all freelance work, it was not steady. Unfortunately, my ex-friends turned to doing “Yahoo” to make money, and they made a lot.
At first, I didn’t say anything about it. I didn’t support it, but I didn’t think I should force my own ideals on anyone. Then December 2020 came around, and the entire group did an intervention for me where they tried to pressure me to start doing Yahoo too. I stood my ground, and said I had no interest in making money that way. They ridiculed me and made me question my life choices. I wasn’t making a lot of money then either, so it really stung that my day ones would stoop to that level just to get me to do what they were doing. So after a lot of reflection, I cut all of them off. Some of them reach out to check on me every once in a while, but our friendship can never be what it once was again.
How did you deal with it?
I focused that energy on my friendship with my brother. I now see that he’s the only person I know who would never make me feel lesser for making my own life choices and choosing my own path. That’s the only kind of acceptance I need in my life, not one that depends on how much I make.
“After we parted ways, my other friends in the friend group told me they were wondering how I was coping with her.” — Dabira*, F, 25
I don’t know that it was an “official” break-up, but I kinda just had it up to here (my chin) and tapped out. I had noticed some extremely selfish behaviour and kept telling myself I was overthinking things. It was upsetting because I generally put my friends first or at least with more regard than regular people, and this babe was not about that life. I didn’t like how it was changing me, because I would want to do something nice for her and immediately think ‘If the roles were reversed, she wouldn’t be thinking about me.’ It was stressful. I didn’t have to do that with my other friends.
It was a lecturer that snapped me to reality. I had to submit an assignment for both of us, because we were in the same department, and I had hers on top of mine. I handed it over to the lecturer like that, and he asked why I would put someone else’s work before mine, and if he had decided not to collect any more after hers, what would I have done? He really went off on me, saying that I should put myself first, and it was the reset I needed.
I’m a nonconfrontational person, so I wasn’t going to ‘talk’ about anything because I knew it’d just get awkward. I slowly withdrew from her, and now we only wish each other happy birthday.
How did you deal with it?
There wasn’t much to deal with. After we parted ways, my other friends in the friend group told me they were wondering how I was coping with her. It’s funny because I was the closest to her in the group. I felt so validated after that because I thought I was the problem.
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“I’d travel from Ajah to Surulere, but she never made the effort to come to my side.” — Tunmise, M, 29
For me, relationships — whether romantic, platonic, or familial — are like a ship on a journey. The ship moves forward only when everyone on board interacts harmoniously; if not, it stalls or even sinks. I believe in giving my all: it’s full love or no love at all, whether I’m a partner, friend, or family member.
I remember when I was 16, fresh out of secondary school. I was growing closer to someone, but at that time I had no boundaries — people could easily take advantage of me. It took a lot of hardship before I realised that I was the only one keeping that relationship afloat. While she was studying in Canada, and I was at UNILAG, we stayed in touch constantly despite the time differences.
However, after about six months, I started feeling that something was off. I was pouring so much of myself into the relationship, yet it felt increasingly one-sided — especially when she visited Nigeria for the holidays. I’d travel from Ajah to Surulere, but she never made the effort to come to my side. It became clear that the friendship wasn’t as important to her as it was to me, and that realisation changed everything.
How did you deal with it?
There wasn’t a dramatic fight, we simply drifted. What started as occasional silence eventually became days, then weeks, and ultimately a full year without a conversation. I never voiced my feelings, but I did feel taken for granted — though I now realise it was partly my fault for not understanding boundaries and how to protect myself.
There’s no hard feelings now; if she reaches out, I respond. In fact, she did in 2024, and we had a pleasant catch-up. I believe every relationship serves a purpose — some are lifelong, while others are temporary. For me, it takes a lot for a relationship to turn into a conflict, and thankfully, it never reached that point.
“She demanded my attention but I was under a lot of pressure.” — Atinuke*, F, 28
I met this babe in a book club in 2022. We instantly clicked over one of the books, and our commentaries were hilarious as we read together. So we exchanged numbers, and we quickly became “book besties.” We would pick a book to read and dissect, and it was great because our book tastes were practically identical.
I wasn’t working at the time, and I had a lot of time on my hands, so it was easy to keep up with texts and read new books. Then came 2023. I moved to a new city in August while still in the early stages of grieving the loss of a close friend who had passed away in May. The move was hectic, and as I tried to find my footing, I was also dealing with medical issues.
Omo, looking back, it was just a lot. Naturally, I was distant and wasn’t reading as much. My friend would send me long messages, complaining that I had time to tweet but not to read books with her. I tried to explain that doomscrolling on X was just a way for me to cope and that I didn’t have the bandwidth to read or reply to texts as quickly as I used to, but I don’t think she really understood. She constantly took it as me not wanting to communicate with her.
Then, sometime in 2024, she sent me another long message, and I had just had enough. I told her it was best for us to go our separate ways. You can’t be this demanding of my attention while refusing to understand that I was under a lot of pressure. And just like that, our friendship fell apart.
How did you deal with it?
I wouldn’t say I dealt with it. I just locked it away, waiting until I was ready to face the other emotional issues I had been avoiding. But I know I miss our friendship whenever I pick up a book and think, ‘Wow, she would have loved this one. We would have had a great time buddy-reading it.’
How to Deal with a Friendship Breakup
Letting go of friendships can be incredibly painful, especially when you still care about the person but there’s a growing rift between you. However, suppressing those emotions isn’t the best way to cope. Here are a few tips to help you navigate the loss:
1. Limit their access
To truly begin the process of moving on, you need to create some distance. This could mean unpinning their chat on WhatsApp, removing them from your burner accounts, or gently stepping back — just like Dabira* did. Giving yourself space can help ease the emotional toll.
2. Write out your feelings
Journaling can bring clarity and closure. Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you process what happened, acknowledge your efforts in maintaining the friendship, and ultimately make it easier to accept the situation.
3. Talk to a professional
If you have access to therapy, whether free or paid, consider speaking to a professional, like Toyin* did. Therapy can provide valuable tools for healing, helping you work through your emotions and strengthen your existing friendships.
4. Open yourself up to new connections
Losing one friendship doesn’t mean you should close yourself off to new relationships. There are still so many people out there who will become part of your life. Even if it feels daunting, keep putting yourself out there. Who knows? Your next best friend could be just around the corner.
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