*Dewunmi (31) grew up fast and never expected life to hand him anything on a platter — not even marriage. In this week’s Marriage Diaries, he shares how responsibility shaped his idea of partnership, why boundaries matter, and why he believes love isn’t enough.
This is a look into Dewunmi’s marriage diary.
I’ve always seen marriage as work
My idea of marriage has changed many times throughout my life. As a teenager, I thought it was a romantic fantasy. You meet your person, fall in love, and everything becomes soft and happy forever. But that version of love didn’t survive adulthood.
By the time I was ready to marry, I’d already stopped seeing marriage as just companionship. I saw it as a skilled partnership — two people tackling life together, but with a clear structure. I don’t believe in 50:50. As a man, I believe you must take overall responsibility. Not because your partner is inferior, but because leadership brings stability. Still, that doesn’t mean you ignore her input. She’s your partner, not your subordinate.
This mindset didn’t just come from culture or religion. It came from experience. I had a tough childhood. I didn’t get the luxury of innocence. From a young age, I was caring for my siblings, taking charge of the house, even “parenting” my parents at times. So when marriage came, the idea of being responsible for someone else didn’t intimidate me. It just felt like a continuation of the life I already knew; only this time, the responsibility felt more focused, more intentional.
The only hesitation I had was about when to marry, not who. My family had strong opinions. But eventually, I had to shut out the noise and remind myself: these people won’t be in the marriage with me. They love me, sure,but they’re not the ones who’ll do the work. That clarity helped me make my decision.
No one warns you about the permanence of marriage
You think you understand commitment when you’re dating, but nothing prepares you for the permanence of marriage. Your spouse is always there — in your space, your plans, your day-to-day decisions. You talk every day. You plan everything together. There’s no break. And that’s not a complaint — it’s just a reality that people don’t talk about enough.
That permanence also applies to your partner’s flaws. When you’re dating, you can overlook certain traits and hope they’ll change with time. But marriage forces you to accept that some things won’t. You either learn to live with those things or you live in frustration.
In my case, I thought my wife was shy and would eventually open up. But she didn’t — because she isn’t shy, she’s introverted. I’m introverted, too, but she’s the real deal. It took marriage for me to realise this isn’t a phase. It’s who she is. And that’s okay. I don’t need her to become someone else. I just needed to adjust my expectations.
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Boundaries are everything
One of the earliest and most consistent sources of conflict in our marriage has been boundaries. I’m big on them. I believe every person, no matter how deeply in love or committed, should have personal standards that must be respected.
For me, it’s how I’m spoken to; how I’m approached; how certain lines shouldn’t be crossed — not because I’m difficult, but because comfort can breed carelessness. And I’ve seen it happen in other relationships, even in friendships. People start off respectful and careful, but once they get too comfortable, they begin to say things they shouldn’t, or act without regard.
I believe I’m an African man with reasonable expectations. I’m not asking for submission or blind obedience — I just expect that my dignity is protected, especially by the person I love. Unfortunately, insisting on these boundaries has led to arguments. But I’d rather fight for my peace than let resentment build over time.
Those moments taught me that being right isn’t always enough. You can be right and still say the right thing the wrong way. I now take time to cool off, think through what I want to say, and how I want to say it. It’s made communication easier. It’s made me easier.
Nobody tells you the sex will decline
One of the most surprising things about marriage is the way sex and romance naturally decline. I don’t know why more men don’t talk about it, but I think it’s one of those quiet secrets you don’t discover until you’re inside.
It’s not that you love your partner any less. It’s that life gets in the way. Children, responsibilities, bills. You’re not in a constant state of play or excitement. You’re in survival mode. Sometimes, you still find moments for romance and intimacy. But it’s not as frequent or spontaneous as it was at the start. And for many people, especially men who never hear these things discussed openly, it comes as a shock.
I still don’t know if our experience is the norm or if other couples have cracked the code to keeping the fire alive consistently. But I do know it’s something every couple has to confront in their own way. It’s not always about desire — sometimes it’s just about energy and bandwidth.
ALSO READ: The Wife Who Expected Her Marriage To Be A Romantic Comedy
I’ve recovered the happier version of myself
People often say marriage changes them. For me, it’s helped me recover a version of myself I thought I’d lost. I used to be angry and always frowning. But people who knew me as a kid said I was very cheerful. Somehow, marriage brought that version of me back.
I don’t feel like I’ve lost myself. If anything, I feel more settled. As the first child, I’d always carried the weight of being responsible for everyone. Now I feel like I only have to care for one person — and that’s been a relief.
Don’t marry someone who loves you, marry someone who wants to stay married
If I could go back and advise my unmarried self, I’d say: never enter marriage expecting your partner to change. Ask yourself, “Can I live with them as they are right now?” If the answer is no, then don’t move forward. Change isn’t guaranteed. In fact, what you see is probably what you’ll get — permanently.
That’s also why I don’t believe love is enough. Love is real, but it’s emotional. It comes and goes. Some days, I feel deeply in love. Other days, we’re just running errands, checking off the life to-do list. And that’s fine. It doesn’t mean the marriage is broken. It means we’re human.
What sustains a marriage isn’t love. It’s commitment. It’s the shared understanding that you both chose this and want to keep choosing it. You have to marry someone who doesn’t just love you today, but wants to do the work of staying married tomorrow. Someone who understands that romance fades, but partnership is what keeps the house standing.
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