Life is hard, but life in Nigeria is even harder for young people under Emilokan’s government. If you’ve managed to secure a sugar mummy who hasn’t yet taken the hint to make your life easier by shipping you off to the UK or US, don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.
Here’s a no-fail guide on how to make your glucose mummy sponsor your relocation from Nigeria.
Dump your Nigerian name
If you’re a Mukaila Alao or Adeniji Ifasowapo, it’s time for you to abandon those names and insist on your sucre mamito calling you a Jack Ferguson or Brandon Hammerman. It’ll make it easier for her to start seeing you as a foreign somebody.
Organise a “send forth” party for yourself
Throw an elaborate party where you invite her entire clique, and call it “Baby Brandon takes Europe.” Complete with a cake that says, “To Europe, With Love from Mama Sugar.” Guilt trip her into making the relocation dream come true.
Become her travel content creator in training
Convince her that sponsoring your relocation is in her best interest because you’ll start a social media series documenting “The Adventures of Lady Suzzy and Boy Brandon.” Promise her she’ll be famous worldwide.
Introduce her to International Sugar Mummy Societies
Tell her she needs to network with sugar mummies in London or Dubai for “business connections.” Obviously, you must go ahead first to prepare the way for her royal arrival.
Start speaking only in foreign currency
Refuse to acknowledge Naira anymore. Every time she asks you how much something costs, respond in dollars or euros, and explain that you’re just preparing for your new life abroad. She’ll get with the programme.
Fake an international sponsorship deal
Tell her an “abroad-based” Nigerian sugar mummy has offered to sponsor you, but you turned her down out of loyalty. Remind her that “opportunities like this don’t wait forever,” so she needs to act fast.
Start a countdown clock
Set up a giant clock that counts down the days until you “have to leave for abroad” and put it in her living room. Tell her it’s a motivational reminder that life is short, and the time for action is now!
Master the art of emotional blackmail
If everything else fails, you’ll most likely secure that abroad sponsorship with the emotional blackmail card. Tearfully tell her that whenever you dream about your future together, it’s in an exotic location, like Santorini or Paris. Hold her hand and whisper, “Mama, do you really want us to die in Mowe Ibafo?”
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