Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and the streets will soon be flooded with sickening displays of love —oversized teddy bears, annoying flower bouquets, and couples taking up all the good restaurant reservations. If you’re single, you have two options: wallow in self-pity or take matters into your own hands and reclaim the day. We vote for chaos.
Here’s a step-by-step guide to pulling off a successful Valentine’s Day heist and getting away with it.
1. Hijack a Valentine’s Day delivery
The streets of Lagos are about to be filled with dispatch riders carrying everything from designer perfumes to trays of Shawarma & Red Velvet cake combos. Do you see where I’m going with this?
How to execute:
Find a busy junction where delivery bikes tend to stop — maybe they’re checking their Google Maps, or maybe they’re stuck in traffic. Approach the rider and say, “Oh, you’re from XYZ Logistics? Are you the one delivering Sandra’s package?”
The key is confidence. If he hesitates, throw in, “She said I should help her collect it. She’s inside the restaurant already.” Take the package, walk away like you own the street, and enjoy whatever Sandra’s loving boyfriend bought for her.
Risk level: 8/10. Nigerian delivery riders don’t joke with their jobs. If he suspects foul play, he may chase you down with the speed of an angry NURTW roadman.
2. Crash a romantic picnic
Valentine’s Day is the one-time couples forget about security. Love has entered their eyes, and they’re too busy staring into each other’s souls to notice a stranger casually stealing their extra cupcakes.
How to execute:
Wear your best “I belong here” outfit. Casually stroll into a park where lovebirds are picnicking. Pretend you’re looking for your “friend.” Spot a picnic setup that looks promising. Slowly migrate towards it, nodding and smiling like you belong.
At the right moment, strike up a conversation. “Hey, are you guys here for Chidera’s thing too?” No one wants to admit they don’t know who Chidera is. Before they realise, you’re already on the blanket, eating strawberries and sipping Chapman.
Risk level: 6/10. If they suspect you’re an intruder, you may need an emergency fake phone call and a dramatic exit.
3. Take advantage of a wrong number
People text the wrong numbers all the time, and on Valentine’s Day, the chances triple. Someone, somewhere, is texting the wrong person: “Hey baby, meet me at 7 p.m.”
How to execute:
If you get a wrong text, PLAY ALONG. Respond with, “Babe, I’ve missed you too! Where are we meeting again?” Once they confirm the location, show up looking your best. If it’s a restaurant, arrive first and say, “He’s on his way, but he said I should order for both of us.” Eat, drink, and disappear before the real “babe” arrives.
Risk level: 9/10. If you get caught, be ready to perform “I just arrived” convincingly.
4. “Borrow” flowers from a romantic setup
Restaurants and lounges will be decorated with roses, balloons, and cute little love notes. Who said these are just for couples?
How to execute:
Walk in like you own the place, admire the setup, and casually pick a bouquet when no one is looking. Make sure you get the f*ck outta there and don’t look back even if a thousand voices call out to you. Boom! You got yourself an instant Valentine’s Day gift.
Risk level: 7/10. If you get caught, just say “ “Oh, I thought these were complimentary,” and you might walk away unscathed.
5. Fake a Valentine’s Day giveaway win
Brands love Valentine’s Day giveaways and the one thing they hate? Bad PR.
How to execute:
Find a giveaway post that’s picking winners manually (not a random generator). DM the brand with something dramatic but polite.
“Hey, I saw I wasn’t picked, but this giveaway meant so much to me. Valentine’s is really tough this year, and I was hoping for even the smallest joy.”
Most brands would rather give you something small than be accused of dishonesty. Even if it’s just a discount code, it’s still a win.
Risk level: 3/10. The worst thing that can happen is being ignored.
6. Hijack corporate Valentine hampers
Offices love sending out Valentine’s hampers, but let’s be real—not all of them will reach the intended recipient.
How to execute:
Befriend your office receptionist and be on the lookout for unclaimed gifts. If your name is remotely close to the recipient’s, congratulations—you just got a mystery admirer.
Risk level: 5/10. If your bosses find out, your February salary might be a couple thousand short.
Still not convinced about troubling yourself for a successful heist? That’s fine. But you should also read our super helpful guide on surviving Valentine’s Day as a single person.
