Siblings are meant to be the closest people in your life, but what if you’re not lucky enough to have that? What if every attempt to build that bond falls flat?
That’s Demilade’s* reality. He shares how years spent away at boarding school, the introduction of stepsiblings, and his mum’s attachment to him as the last born may have fractured his relationship with his brothers.
As told to Adeyinka
I’ve never related to people who call their siblings their best friends. With two older siblings and three steps, that’s never been my reality, and I’m not sure it ever will be.
Watching the twins and siblings on the recent BBNaija season made me wish I had that sort of bond. The way they stood up for each other, completed each other’s sentences and had fun together always got me thinking about my situation.
Our relationship wasn’t always this way— There was a time when “best friends” could have described our relationship. What went wrong? It’s hard to pin down, but I’ll try to explain.
My dad married two wives. The first wife has four kids while my mum, the second, has three. Both wives get along well, probably because they live in different locations. My dad also found a way to manage his time between them so things were fine on that front.
While the wives aren’t exactly best friends, they are cordial. My dad tried to get them closer but eventually accepted that things wouldn’t be as perfect as he wanted. However, he insisted we, the children, spend time together. He didn’t want the divide between the wives to affect us. He’s always going on and on about when they, the parents, are no longer here, we’d only have each other left.
Growing up, we spent holidays between both households. But I spent less time at my stepmother’s place. My mum was very attached to me as a child. Some say it’s because I’m the last born, and I’ve come to accept that because no other reason makes sense. She would let my older siblings go, but I always stayed back with her. At first, I felt like I was missing out—my siblings would return with stories of all the exciting things they got up to with our stepsiblings—but over time, I realised I enjoyed my time with my mum. My siblings realised it too and didn’t bother to ask if I was visiting our steps’ because they always knew what my response would be.
My dad didn’t like this. He and my mum argued a lot because he felt she was isolating me and making me soft by spending so much time with her.
As a way to get back at my mum, and maybe teach me a lesson, he sent me to boarding school, even though all my siblings, including my stepsiblings, attended day school. It caused a major fight between my parents, but my dad didn’t budge.
If spending time with my mum drove me away from my siblings, boarding school only made things worse. Whenever I came home, I always felt like a stranger. Because my siblings were older and in the university, there were long stretches where we didn’t see each other. The only time we were all together was mostly during public holidays, but even then, my brothers preferred spending time with our stepsiblings at the first wife’s house.
By the time I finished secondary school, I had become sort of grown into my own person, thanks to my boarding school experience. So, it didn’t bother me much that my siblings weren’t around because I’d gotten used to absence.
My parents never addressed this, and I suspect my mum wasn’t keen on the idea of spending so much time with my stepsiblings anyway, so she was more than fine having me stay back.
I gained admission in 2012 and the university only strained the relationship with my siblings further. I rarely saw them, except for uniform holidays.
During the ASUU strike that rocked 2013—probably one of the longest stretches we spent together—I began to wonder if we were really related.
Our interactions were cordial, but they just always felt so distant. I could have sworn I had friends in school who would have easily passed as my siblings if we ran along with the lie.
They’d give short responses whenever I tried to engage them and they didn’t really seem interested in any goings-on in my life.
At some point, I thought maybe it was the age gap since my eldest sibling is four years older than me and the immediate is three years older, but then I saw how they interacted with my stepsiblings, who are closer in age to me, and realised it wasn’t about the age. They just didn’t like me.
After we all returned to school when the strike was called off, I made up my mind to let things be. My mum didn’t have a great relationship with her own siblings, so I chalked it up to a family pattern.
Fast forward to present day, things still haven’t improved. In fact, they’ve probably gotten worse now that we’re full grown adults who feel like we’ve got our individual lives to care about.
But still, it’s hurtful to that I have siblings, yet I always feel so alone. On several occasions, I’ve seen my siblings and stepsiblings hang out on social media, and I’ll wonder, “When did this happen? Why wasn’t I included?” Although, I’ll admit that I hardly feel the need to ask– It’s sort of like lobbying to be included where you aren’t wanted.
My mum has tried to step in. She’s had talks with my brothers, stressing the need to strengthen our bond first before bringing in our stepsiblings but they don’t see her point. They always say, “As long as we share the same dad, we’re all one,” so my mum tries not to push too hard.
I’m grateful for friends who’ve become like family, but I still think about the situation with my siblings a lot. I worry about what will happen when our parents are no longer here. Will I be the sibling who’s cast aside by the rest of the family? Will my kids have cousins they can spend time with?
I’ve tried talking to my siblings, but I’m not sure it’s helped. We’ll get along for a while after our conversations, but then everything returns to the way it was.
I’ve heard these things take time, so I’ll keep trying.
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