Bukunmi*’s only daughter is about to start preparatory school, but instead of feeling excited and proud, the first-time mum is overwhelmed with sadness.
She shares how her mother’s struggles with parental attachment might be setting her up for a similar challenge.
As Told To Adeyinka
If anyone had told me I’d be this attached to my child, I’d have argued endlessly. Her pregnancy came at a time when my husband and I weren’t ready to become parents.
After we got married in 2021, we decided to wait a few years before having kids. We wanted to enjoy the first years of marriage and be financially stable before bringing a child into the world. But you know how they say, “Man proposes, God disposes.” Despite not planning to have kids right away, we didn’t use protection.
My husband’s withdrawal method always worked—until it didn’t.
I still remember the day I took the pregnancy test. I had missed my period for longer than usual, so I took the test just to be sure. When it came back positive, I didn’t believe it until I got a blood test confirming I was four weeks pregnant.
Even though my husband and I had discussed abortion in case of an unplanned pregnancy, when the time came, it wasn’t an easy decision. So, we kept the baby, and that’s how our daughter came into our lives.
The first three months after her birth were difficult. I was always in a bad mood and felt sad all the time. Thankfully, my mum was around and took over most of the baby’s care. If you didn’t know better, you’d think she was the one who gave birth. It was a relief in some ways, but I also felt like I wasn’t bonding with my child.
When my mum finally left, it felt like I was experiencing motherhood for the first time. I was now responsible for all the feeding, bathing, and pacifying. It was beautiful, and since my husband worked late, it was mostly just me and my daughter.
I stopped working two months before delivery, and my husband encouraged me to hold off on returning to work until I was ready. I took on a few freelance gigs, but nothing major. So, my days revolve around her, and we’ve spent almost every moment together for the past two years.
But now, as she’s about to start pre-school, I can’t help but feel sad. Instead of the proud “My child has started school” moment, I feel like I’m losing her.
While I know it’s natural to have a deep bond with your child, I sometimes worry I’ll be like my mum.
My mum struggled with letting go. She was overly attached to us, and I’d say it bordered on extreme. I remember when I resumed boarding school, she came with food and water for two weeks until the school stepped in and stopped her. She didn’t let us go on vacations or visit relatives, and on countless occasions, she got into quarrels with her siblings who always said she overpampered us.
There was a time when my dad insisted my siblings and I went on holiday at our granny’s, and my mum became a complete mess. You’d have thought they were taking us away from her.
I now realise that my mum’s behaviour was extreme, but I initially saw it as her way of showing love. Even now, she still calls every morning and night and visits at least once a month.
My daughter turned two in July and will resume prep school by mid-September. I know it should be something of joy to look forward to, but I can’t help feeling sad. She’d only be gone for a few hours a day, but the thought of her being away from me is unbearable. It’s like a wave of sadness hits me every time I think about the resumption.
I’ve talked to my husband about it, and he thinks it’s because she’s our first, and I don’t have work commitments to distract me. While that’s partly true, I know it’s more than that.
I’m worried I’ll be a complete mess on her first day of school and even the rest of the week. I keep telling myself she’ll only be briefly gone, and I can always check on her whenever I want.
The entire experience is strange to me because the history with my mum made me conscious about being an emotionally needy person. I always strive for balance in friendships and relationships, and I’ve had situations where friends say I’m the least caring person because of how easily I move on.
I just never imagined this was something I’d have to face with my child.
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