Nenye* (26) talks about her three-year relationship with her ex, the several money-related issues they had, and why that experience has turned her off dating men with less money than her.
As told to Boluwatife
Image designed by Freepik
I’m used to men ghosting me. They toast me, we enter into the talking stage, and they disappear after a few days. I’d be lying if I claimed not to know it’s because of my insistence on evaluating their financial situation.
I always ask questions like, “How much do you earn?” “Would you classify yourself as middle class?” or “What are your thoughts on sharing finances in the home?” My friends think those questions are too much for the talking stage, but I’m trying to avoid getting bitten twice.
I was young and foolish when I dated Ola*. It started in 2020, but I still think about what he put me through and wonder why I let it go on for three years.
We met in one of those online speed dating sessions that were common during the pandemic — Popular Instagram pages held live broadcasts and invited followers to come and toast themselves on live.
I worked with an NGO, and when we went remote, I was bored — so I DM’ed Ola after meeting him in one of the online sessions. We hit it off quickly and started chatting regularly. He was a graphics designer, but I wasn’t really concerned about his job or salary. Two weeks after we started talking, we became official.
I still wasn’t concerned when he didn’t get me a birthday gift two months into our relationship. I was one of those “Love doesn’t cost a thing” girls. He designed a birthday flyer for me, and that counted at the time.
After the lockdown was lifted, I developed a habit of going to his self-contained apartment after work and only returning home to sleep. I lived with a roommate, and he lived alone. After some time, I started sleeping over and going to work from his place.
On one such visit, he saw my salary come in as a credit alert and said, “You’re a rich babe o. You’re earning double my salary”. My salary was ₦100k. That was the first time we talked about salaries. Before then, I’d noticed he always told me to buy food for us on my way from work, but never gave me money for it. We also hardly went out. I didn’t ask why because I didn’t want it to be awkward, but finding out about his salary clarified things.
As a good girlfriend, it was only right for me to support him since I made more money.
I’d branch at the market on my way from work to buy foodstuff, get to his place and cook up a storm. I even regularly paid for his data subscription because he needed it for work. I even paid for a couple of his design courses.
In 2021, he decided he wanted to learn software engineering and told me he was saving up to pay for a ₦70k course.
Now, I understand how he extorted money from me. He’d tell me about something he wanted then complain about it until I felt bad enough to help him. I had no responsibilities. I’m the last born, and my parents still paid for the apartment I shared with my roommate at the time. So, it was easy for me to foolishly bring out money for what he needed.
I paid the ₦70k for that course.
Then he started policing how I spent money. If he noticed me wearing a new pair of shoes, he’d remark about how I needed to be disciplined with my spending. One time, I responded, “But I’m working. I should be able to buy what I like,” and he twisted it to seem like I didn’t want to take his corrections because I earned more than him.
Money became a sensitive issue between us. If I complained about how we hardly went on dates, he’d say I wasn’t satisfied with what he could afford. When I talked about wanting him to reciprocate with random gifts like I did, he said I was rubbing my money in his face.
By 2023, my salary had increased to ₦200k, and he’d become a freelancer, AKA no salary. The next thing he did was imply that I put him on a monthly allowance. According to him, waiting till he complained about needing help made him feel like a beggar, and no “man” wanted to feel like that.
We broke up in 2023 because he didn’t “see a future with us”, and I was heartbroken for weeks. But after a year, I can’t explain why I put up with him for so long. Maybe I was dickmatised or just foolishly in love.
Maybe it’s linked to my frontal lobe finally developing at 25, but I can never be in that position again. Since the breakup, I’ve read and heard different stories of women who earn more than their partners, and it rarely ends well.
Let people call me a gold digger; I don’t care. All I know is I don’t want to be with someone who makes less than me. It’s not like rich men are perfect, but at least, I wouldn’t have to massage someone’s fragile ego because they think the money in my account isn’t allowing me to be submissive.
I’ve tried broke love, and I’m not doing it again.
*Names have been changed for anonymity.
NEXT READ: “He Cut Her Braids Short in Public” — 7 Women on Why They’d Rather Make Their Own Money
