I was looking to speak with someone who has experienced sibling rivalry caused by their parents when I found Abimbola*.
She’s her mum’s first child, but years of favouritism have left her feeling like an outsider in her family. This is her story.
As told to Adeyinka
My mum had me when she was 20 and still in university.
It wasn’t an easy time for her. My father didn’t want anything to do with the pregnancy, so she moved back home to my grandparents. They were disappointed and constantly reminded her of it, but they still tried to support her. They made sure she graduated, even though life wasn’t easy. I remember overhearing their arguments about money and responsibilities as a child. My grandma would say things like, “It’s not the baby’s fault. She didn’t ask to be here.” Those words stuck with me—they were the only reassurance I had as a child that I wasn’t the problem.
Things started to look up when my mum graduated and got a job. She moved out of my grandparents’ house, started dating again, and eventually married my stepdad when I was around 10. In those early years, he was cautiously kind. He wasn’t overly affectionate, almost like he didn’t want me to get mix signals about his role, but he treated me well and even started calling me his “daughter” occasionally. For a while, I thought we were finally building the family I had always dreamed of. I felt I didn’t have to call my grandfather my dad anymore because I finally had one.
However, that dream ended when my mum gave birth to twins five years into their marriage. At first, I didn’t mind the shift in attention. They were babies, and I understood that they needed extra care. But as the years passed, it became clear that the twins weren’t just getting more attention—they had become the centre of my parents’ universe, even some family members. They’d visit us, and I was always the afterthought, the one they only remembered to ask after when there was nothing more to discuss.
I remember winning an award for academic excellence when I was around 16. I came home that day, a certificate in hand, expecting my mum to celebrate with me. Instead, she barely glanced at the certificate and said, “Well done,” before returning to help the twins with their homework. A week later, when the twins brought home handmade Mother’s Day cards, she couldn’t stop gushing about how thoughtful they were. She even hung them in the living room. For some reason, that moment stuck with me, and it sort of set the tone for where I felt I’d been placed in her life.
Fast forward to years later, the twins had picked up on these things and also started to treat me like I didn’t belong. When they were younger, I was like a second mum to them. I helped with their homework, babysat them, and even broke up their little arguments. But they mimicked my parents’ behaviour towards me as they grew older.
Now that they’re teenagers, it feels like a full-blown rivalry. They roll their eyes when I speak, exclude me from conversations, and sometimes make snide comments about how I’m “not really part of the family.” One argument still sticks with me. One of the twins said something along the lines of, “This isn’t even your house.” I gave him a good beating and made sure I got my pound of flesh. But it didn’t stop me from pondering over what he’d said. Deep down, I knew he was repeating what he’d picked up from my parents.
It’s hard not to blame my mum for everything. I understand that my stepdad might never fully see me as his child, but my mum? She’s the one person who should always have my back. I’ve tried to talk to her about how I feel, but she always brushes it off. The last time I brought I tried to have a conversation, she said, “You’re an adult now and you’ll be the only mother they have when I’m not here. Why are you still bothered by this?”
That question hurt more than anything. I’m 25 now, but how am I supposed to let go of years of being sidelined? It’s not about being an adult—it’s about feeling like I’ve never truly had a family.
These days, I avoid going home unless it’s necessary. I only visit for major holidays, and even then, I try to stay out of the way. The twins don’t even hide their dislike anymore. Last Easter, my sister asked me why I bothered coming home when I could have just spent the short break in school. Something about that comment felt off. I wanted to be home so I could spend the break with my family like everyone else. My mum overheard and laughed it off, saying, “You know how teenagers are, she didn’t mean it like that.”
It’s taken me years to accept that sibling rivalry isn’t only about competition. Sometimes, it’s the parents who unknowingly create the divide. My parents’ favouritism set the tone for my relationship with the twins. They see me as less important because that’s how my parents treat me. It’s not their fault, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I’ve decided to focus on building my own life. I have a good job, great friends, and a sense of peace I never had growing up. But deep down, I still wish things were different. I see friends who are close to their siblings and wonder what that must feel like.
I love my mum and the twins, but I’ve learned to love them from a distance. I don’t think I’ll ever stop feeling like an outsider in my own family, but I’m determined to break the cycle if I ever have children. No child of mine will ever feel like they don’t belong.
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