I enjoy speaking with people who have interesting perspectives on romance. So when I came across Meg* (22) who loves older men, we had an interesting conversation about gerontophilia, the challenge with dating older men in Nigeria and what her ideal man looks like.
As told to Betty:
I can’t pinpoint the exact reason I’m attracted to older men. I think it may have a bit to do with how I got into being with men in the first place. I didn’t enjoy my first experience with a man. I was taken advantage of at 14 by a 24-year-old, and I hate that my first experiences were warped by him. It happened again at 15, this time by a 30-year-old. Since then, I’ve reclaimed myself and my desires, and I’ve remained drawn to older men.
The youngest person I’ve ever been with was a year older than I was — 19 when I was 18 — but since we split up, I won’t even consider a man if he’s younger than 35. Not that the experience was awful; I just find older men more attractive and more suitable for the kind of lifestyle I want for myself. Also, younger men these days always seem to have no ideas or beliefs of their own. They parrot ideologies from male influencers they can’t even explain properly, and it’s very unattractive. I like a man who has his own principles and can defend them; older men usually have that.
That being said, just because I like older men doesn’t mean dating has been easier. There are clowns at every age, and getting older doesn’t mean a man will magically let go of his foolishness. I haven’t seriously dated anyone since I was 18 because the playing field is rife with dishonest men.
For context, I don’t date married men, but some of these men would rather eat their right leg than admit they’re married. Now, I’ve developed a good eye for spotting a married man masquerading as an older single dude, and I avoid them. I’m very strict that way.
The most exciting person I’ve ever been with was a man named Deji*(38). When we first met last year on a train ride, I didn’t believe he was his age because he looked and acted so young. He had to prove it to me with his official ID.
We hit it off immediately, and I would have liked for us to get into something serious and long-lasting, but we lived in different cities and had different ideologies. For example, I like to have fun, but I don’t drink or do other drugs. Deji*, on the other hand, loved to partake. He kept trying to pressure me into doing them with him, which I didn’t like at all. Ultimately, we stopped seeing each other, but we’re still cordial.
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A big misconception people have about me being into older men is that they think I’m chasing a wealthy lifestyle or I’m looking for a sugar daddy, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love kids, but I want to be child-free, and a much older person is probably not looking to have kids which is compatible with the life I want to build for myself. Also, money isn’t everything. Trust me, I know — I’m very well off. I don’t particularly care for a wealthy man if he’ll be as dishonest as any of the men I’ve met so far. I want to be with a kind man who is ideally in his 40s and wants to live a child-free life.
This doesn’t mean I like broke men, please. In 2023, I got with a 50-year-old who didn’t have a lot of money, and I basically bankrolled him at some point. I’m sure he thought he had found a cash cow, but I cut him off with a quickness. Now, if you approach me, please, have your own money. You don’t need to be Bill Gates, but I don’t want to bankroll anybody that isn’t my younger sibling, abeg.
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The biggest challenge I face when dating older people is that they don’t have the time for me, and it stresses me out. Last year, I had to cut off a 56-year-old whose company I really enjoyed because he would ghost me for days at a time and come back to apologise. It got tiring really quickly.
I also face a lot of criticism because of my preference. I tried to tell a friend about it once, and I had to shut down the conversation because she started telling me my standards were too high and it would be impossible to find a man like that. I wish people would stop projecting their fears of age-gap relationships on my personal tastes. I don’t see myself changing my mind about this; it’s just who I am, but I would like the judgement around it to be reduced.
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