Amanda* (22) has spent most of her life being pursued by much older men. While some may see it as flattery, she shares why it’s anything but that, and how it has affected her emotionally, mentally and romantically.
This is Amanda’s story, as told to Mofiyinfoluwa
The first time I became conscious of this, I was in JSS3. A man I greeted often in my neighbourhood offered to drop me off at home. I didn’t think much of it until he asked me if I had ever had sex. Then he asked me if I would like to have sex with him. I was 12 at the time, and he was a grown man — the father of the boy I had a crush on at the time, to be precise. I was shocked and confused. But I just told him to drop me off and never told anyone.
I only drew more attention from then on. When I was 14, my neighbour’s husband, a man in his 30s, started making advances at me. It got very uncomfortable because whenever we were alone, he was very physically suggestive. I was very close to his wife, so I told her. Instead of confronting her husband, she turned her back on me and stopped talking to me completely. It hurt because it then seemed like I was the one who wanted to steal her man, like I was some kind of threat, when I wasn’t interested. It made me feel ashamed for something I didn’t even do.
I kept getting advances, most of which I ignored. For a long time, I thought it was normal or that it was just a coincidence that men more than twice my age always approached me. But when I got to university, I started to see the pattern. It was always older men. And it wasn’t flattering, it was disturbing.
It wasn’t long until I met a man in church, I’ll call him Mr. Bayo. I was 19 at the time; he was in his late 30s.
He told me I was the kind of woman he wanted to marry. I made it clear to him that I was very young, still in school, and not interested in that kind of relationship. But he said he would wait for me to graduate and marry me. We talked for a while, but he started to make me feel weird. Without asking me how I felt, he just started calling me his girlfriend. Then he started calling me his wife.
He wanted me to cook for him, have sex with him, and take care of him. He assumed this ownership over me that I never agreed to. He’d send me money I didn’t ask for and say things like, “You won’t even let me touch you, and you’re an adult.” It was manipulative and controlling.
Thankfully, since I schooled in a different state from where we lived, I was mostly away and never went to his house to do all the things he wanted. I kept making excuses, and eventually, I had to block him.
Then I met a politician. This one was the most obsessed of them all. He’d show up at my hostel randomly, uninvited. Most times, I had to lie that I wasn’t around just to get him to leave. Around that period, while I was actively avoiding him, I got a strange call around midnight. When I picked up, a babalawo was blowing incantations into the phone. I was scared out of my mind that night and couldn’t sleep. To this day, I can’t prove it, but deep down, I believe it had something to do with him.
Not long after, he posted photos from his child’s naming ceremony on WhatsApp. That’s how I found out he was married with a child. That was it for me. I blocked all three of his numbers. He kept calling me with different ones. I had to keep blocking and blocking. It took God for him to stop.
After school, I thought getting a job would mean a fresh start and more professional relationships. But one of my bosses, who is over 60 and married, started making subtle moves.
Then one day, when we were alone in the boardroom, he said plainly, “If you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” He said he wanted all of me and could “take care of me.” I did the math, and he’s 39 years older. I’ve just avoided him ever since. That’s all I can do for now because I’m not about to lose my job over that.
Now? I’m currently talking to a divorcee in his 40s. He seems kind and listens to me. I don’t even really like him like that, but I’m considering giving it a chance, just to see what it would be like to finally cave in.
But deep down, I know I don’t want this. What I really want is simple. I just want a relationship with someone close to my age. Ideally, not more than two years older than me. It has been my dream to find someone I can grow with and share experiences with, without age and power imbalances. The closest I’ve ever come to having that was one talking stage that didn’t become anything more.
But it almost feels like my destiny. It’s like I’m trapped in this cycle of always being approached by men twice or three times my age, and I can’t run from it.
People say it’s because I’m “mature for my age” and “have a wifely appeal.” But I’m tired. I don’t want to be anyone’s fantasy. I just want to be a normal young woman who can fall in love freely.
I pray that I don’t end up with an old man when it’s time to settle down. Because I never asked for this life.
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