Ada* is preparing for her wedding, but mounting pressure from her mum and other relatives to involve her absentee father threatens to overshadow her big day.
She shares how he abandoned their family after moving abroad, leaving her mum to raise three daughters alone, and how her sisters are counting on her refusal to set a precedent that protects them, too.
As Told to Adeyinka
I always thought planning a wedding would be stressful because of things like picking colours or dealing with vendors. But nothing could have prepared me for being pressured to include a man I barely know in one of the most important moments of my life.
That man is my father.
My dad left when I was six. Not after a fight, not with promises to come back—he left. Packed his bags, told my mum he was travelling to the UK for a better life, and disappeared. At first, my mum tried to shield us from the truth. “He’s busy,” she’d say. “He’ll call soon.” But the months turned into years, and soon, even her optimism faded. The last time we heard from him was three years after he left. My mum begged him for help with school fees, but he claimed he didn’t have the money. Not long after, we learned he’d remarried abroad.
Looking back, I can see how much this hurt my mum. She went from hopeful to frantic, calling his family members for support. At first, they seemed sympathetic, but they stopped answering her calls over time. It felt like everyone had turned their backs on us.
For a long time, I didn’t understand why she kept trying. By age 10, I had decided my dad was never coming back. But my mum held on. Even when it was clear he’d moved on, even when his family shut us out, she still tried to keep that door open. I see now that it wasn’t for her but for us. She didn’t want us to grow up without a father. But despite her best efforts, we did.
I don’t know where we’d be if not for my maternal grandfather. He was our rock. He paid for our school fees, ensured we always had food on the table and gave us the kind of love that made it easier to forget the man who abandoned us. My granddad was strict but kind and never made us feel like a burden.
As the eldest, I took on a lot of responsibility too. I helped my mum with my younger sisters, stepped in when she was too exhausted to deal with homework or bullies at school. I became the “second parent” in our home. It wasn’t easy, but it taught me to be strong for the people I care about.
Now, my dad wants back in. He returned to Nigeria two years ago, uninvited and unapologetic, claiming he wants to reconnect with us. For me and my sisters, it was a no-brainer; we wanted nothing to do with him. You can’t ghost your family for decades and then show up like nothing happened. We’ve made it clear that he won’t be part of our lives or our milestones.
That’s why it shocked me when my mum recently said he has to be at my wedding. She keeps saying, “I’m not asking you to forgive him. But it’s better if he’s there. We don’t want problems in the future.”
What problems? What kind of man ignores his family for years and causes trouble because he wasn’t invited to a wedding? If he cared so much, he wouldn’t have left in the first place.
The pressure doesn’t stop with my mum. My in-laws have joined in, insisting I reconcile with my father because it’s “tradition” for the bride’s father to bless the union. I’ve explained that my dad is a stranger to me, but they don’t get it. “He’s still your father,” they say, as if the title alone erases years of neglect.
My fiancé has been supportive, but even he’s starting to feel the weight of his family’s expectations. Last week, his mum pulled me aside and said, “It’s just one day. Let him come and pray for you.” But it’s not just one day for me. It’s a lifetime of unresolved hurt that doesn’t disappear because he mutters a blessing.
I’ve thought about what it would be like if he did come. Would I feel proud introducing him to my in-laws? Would I be happy to see him at the ceremony? Or would his presence overshadow everything else, reminding me of all the birthdays, graduations, and milestones he missed?
My sisters have been vocal about their support. During a conversation with our youngest, she said, “You know we’ve got your back, but if you let him come, what stops him from showing up for our weddings too?” I know she’s right. My decisions now could affect their boundaries in the future.
Still, I can’t ignore my mum’s change of heart. She’s not doing this for herself, she’s doing it for us. I can see how torn she is, trying to balance our feelings with her fears about the future. I don’t blame her, but I wish she could understand that his absence shaped us more than his return ever could.
Because of all this, wedding planning has been a nightmare. My in-laws don’t understand, my mum keeps pushing, and even my fiancé, as supportive as he’s been, is caught in the middle. I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction, and the only thing keeping me sane is knowing my sisters are on my side.
I’ve considered compromises. Maybe I could send him an invitation but make it clear there won’t be any special father-daughter moments. Or I could let my mum handle it, as long as I don’t have to see him. But even those options feel like I’m betraying myself and my sisters.
For now, I’ve made my decision. My dad won’t be at the wedding, and I won’t be visiting him. If my mum wants to tell him about the wedding, she can, but I won’t be the one to do it.
This process has been an emotional rollercoaster, but it’s also taught me the importance of boundaries. My wedding is about me and my future husband, not a man who left when I needed him most.
If my dad truly wants to reconnect, he’ll have to respect my decision. Until then, he’ll remain a stranger—a choice I’m at peace with, no matter how much pressure comes my way.
Read this next: We’re Married, but Her Family Still Wants a Big Wedding
