Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Brenda: We met at a friend’s birthday in December 2023. It was a house party,, and during a Truth or Dare game, someone dared me to touch Godwin’s dick until it got hard.
At first, I laughed it off, but I looked at him and thought he was cute. So, I decided, “Why not?”
Godwin: I had no idea who Brenda was, so imagine my shock when she casually walked over and put her hands in my jeans. No hesitation, no shyness, just straight to business. It caught me off guard, but I can’t lie, I enjoyed it. It blew my mind that our first interaction featured her hand on my dick.
Brenda: He stood still like a statue! And I could tell he was trying so hard to act unbothered. But I knew I had done my job when I felt him twitch a little.
Godwin: That’s not even the wildest part. When the dare was over, she leaned in and whispered, “Nice.” Then she walked away. I knew I had to talk to her before the party was over.
Right. What happened after?
Brenda: He asked for my number before I left, and I gave it to him. I thought he was cute, and I liked what I felt. So I didn’t think it’d hurt to keep in touch.
We started texting the next day, and we were hooking up before I knew it. I didn’t think it would be anything serious — we were just two adults having fun.
Godwin: That was the plan until I started catching feelings.
Hmmm
Godwin: We texted every day, met up every weekend, and just vibed. She wasn’t just someone I was sleeping with; I actually enjoyed her company a lot.
Although we didn’t speak about it, we both understood that we were together for the sex. I didn’t want to ruin our arrangement by bringing up feelings. So, I kept it to myself.
Did you notice anything though, Brenda?
Brenda: I did. He’d send text messages to check up on me every other day. Also, whenever we met up for sex, he’d be extra in the days that followed — almost like he didn’t want me to feel like I was a fling or something.
I found it sweet and funny. In my head I was like “So, this boy thinks he’s the only one enjoying this?” But yeah, the feelings weren’t mutual. I was clear on what I wanted from the start and I treated it as what it was: a situationship.
Godwin: That was frustrating for me. I wanted more, but she deliberately kept me at arm’s length. I
Then a friend I discussed our situation with then advised me to treat things as they were. After that conversation, I stopped trying and just enjoyed the moment. We’d meet up when either of us was horny, and that was it.
At what point did things change?
Brenda: I think it was when he stopped trying. I’d gotten so used to him always being there — texting me first, making plans, checking in — that when he suddenly pulled back, I felt the difference. I realised I didn’t want him to stop caring about me and doubled down on some of the things he used to do.
That’s when I also agreed to be in a relationship with him. It wasn’t some grand, romantic moment. He asked again when he noticed my efforts, and I said yes. Simple.
Curious. Why exactly didn’t you want to move things forward?
Brenda: I’d been at the spot before. Too many times.
Godwin was going to be my 17th boyfriend in nine years if I agreed to date him. Before him, every time I got into a relationship, I told myself, This is the one that will last. They never did.
After my last relationship before Godwin ended, I promised myself that the next serious relationship had to be serious. I wanted something intentional that could lead somewhere. But Godwin came, and we started as a situationship that was mostly all about the sex. To me, that was a sign. My previous situations didn’t last, so I assumed this would end the same way.
So instead of leaning into it, I wanted things to flow. I convinced myself he’d leave when he got tired. But he didn’t. And when he pulled back, I realised I didn’t want him to. That’s when I said yes.
Godwin, were you aware of these past relationships?
Godwin: Yes. She told me from the start. I mean, everyone has exes. I’ve had my fair share of past relationships, so it wasn’t like I expected her to come into this with a clean slate.
But I won’t lie, when she put a number to it — sixteen relationships in seven years — it made me pause. Not in a judgmental way. I just wondered, “How?”
I asked her once, and she laughed it off like it wasn’t a big deal. She said something about how she dates with intention and moves on quickly once she realises something isn’t working. It made sense to me, but it also left me wondering if I’d just become another name on that list.
Brenda: That’s exactly why I didn’t want to tell him at first. It’s one thing to know someone has had multiple relationships; it’s another thing to put a number to it. But there’s no point in lying about things like this.
Right. So, what were the early days of your relationship like?
Godwin: Those were nice days. Brenda is not the overly mushy, affectionate type, but she cares in her own way. She would randomly send me food when I was too busy to cook. Or she’d come over and clean my place without saying a word.
Also, the sex was really good. It was something I always looked forward to, and I don’t think it has changed even now.
Brenda: My love language is acts of service. I’m not the type to send long, romantic messages or post you on Instagram, but I’ll always do things to make your life easier.
Godwin: That’s one of the things I love about her. She’ll act like she doesn’t care, but the little things she does say otherwise.
Brenda: The early days were great. I liked how easy everything felt. We didn’t have to overthink things. We hung out, had fun, and just enjoyed each other’s company. Godwin never pressured me for anything — not commitment, not validation. That made me feel safe.
But at the same time, I was holding back. Even though we were together, I found it hard to fully commit emotionally. It wasn’t about him. It was just me struggling with the idea of being all in again.
Godwin: Yeah. She had an air of “This isn’t permanent” hanging over her. It was like she was waiting for the inevitable end before we even got started.
It must have been tough. How did you deal with it?
Godwin: At first, I ignored it, telling myself it was just her personality and she needed time. But as months passed, it started getting to me. I did things to show her I was serious — planning thoughtful dates, introducing her to my close friends — but it still felt like she was deliberately holding a part of herself back, like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Brenda: I was. Not consciously, but it was there. It’s not that I didn’t care. Every other relationship before had ended, so why would this one be different? I didn’t know how to break out of that cycle of detachment.
Godwin: That’s what frustrated me the most. I wasn’t one of those guys. I wasn’t just another number. But sometimes, she acted like I was.
Do you think you’re still in that phase now?
Brenda: I’d love to say no, but I’d be lying. I’m trying, though. He’s been patient, which I don’t take for granted.
Godwin: I see her effort. But I won’t like that it’s not exhausting sometimes. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly proving myself or fighting for something she’s already in. Some days, it’s like we’re just flowing, no stress, no walls. Other days, I catch her pulling away, and I don’t know what triggers it.
Brenda: I wish unlearning certain things was easier. My first instinct in relationships has always been self-preservation — keeping a part of myself untouched in case it all crashes. The habit is hard to shake.
Fair enough. What steps are you taking to do better?
Brenda: For starters, I’m being more intentional about reassuring him. Not just with words, but with actions too. I used to shut down or withdraw whenever I felt overwhelmed. Now I make an effort to talk through things instead of assuming he’ll just figure it out.
Godwin: She’s been opening up more, which helps. Before, I’d notice something was wrong, ask her, BUT she’d brush it off. Now, she actually says things like, “I don’t know why, but I feel off today” or “I need some time to process this.” It makes a huge difference because I don’t feel like I’m fighting an invisible battle alone.
Brenda: I’m also trying to change my mindset about this relationship being temporary. It sounds silly, but I literally remind myself, “Godwin is not my ex. This is different.”
Do you think it’s working?
Brenda: Slowly, yes. I still have moments of doubt, but I catch myself faster. And I think that’s a step in the right direction.
Nice. Have you guys had a major fight yet?
Godwin: Plenty.
Brenda: But one almost ended us. Godwin found out I still had dating apps on my phone. I wasn’t using them, but I also hadn’t deleted them.
Godwin: I remember seeing Tinder on her phone, and I was like, “Why do you still have this?” There was Grindr too, which threw me off completely. It made me wonder — was there something about her past relationships that she hadn’t shared with me? Were there female exes I didn’t know about?
Brenda: I wasn’t hiding it. I just didn’t think it mattered. The apps were there, but I hadn’t opened them in forever.
Godwin: But that’s exactly why it mattered to me. If we were exclusive, why did she still need access to that world?
Brenda: I won’t lie, I had to sit with that question myself. At first, I was defensive. I told him, “It’s not like I’m actively looking for someone else.” But later, I realised it wasn’t just about the apps. It was about what they represented.
And what was that?
Brenda: A safety net. I know it sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I’ve had so many relationships that didn’t last that I started to always prepare for the end. I didn’t even realise I was doing it with Godwin too. Keeping those apps wasn’t about wanting to cheat; it was about feeling like I had options if things went south.
Godwin: That’s what hurt me the most. It made me realise that no matter how much I loved her, she didn’t fully believe in us.
Brenda: I get it. If the roles were reversed, I’d have probably reacted the same way. That’s why, I deleted the apps after Godwin and I talked. Not because he forced me to, but I had to be honest with myself. If I wanted this relationship to work, I had to stop holding on to escape routes.
Did deleting the apps solve the problem?
Brenda: Not overnight. I still had to work on my mindset. It’s one thing to remove the apps, but it’s another thing to truly believe in the longevity of a relationship. That part is still a work in progress.
Godwin: I respect it. I just hope she gets to a point where she’s all in — not halfway, not one foot in and one foot out.
What would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
Brenda: Godwin makes me feel safe. I’ve dated a lot of guys, and most of them made me feel like I had to be on guard all the time. With Godwin, I can actually just be.
Godwin: For me, it’s her honesty. Brenda doesn’t lie. She might not always say things in the nicest way, but at least I know she’s always real with me.
Brenda: Also, the sex is good.
Godwin: Facts.
What’s one thing you wish was different?
Godwin: I wish she would stop treating this relationship like it has an expiration date. I know she’s been through a lot in the past, but I want her to believe that I’m not like the others. I want her to trust that I’m here for as long as we both want this to work.
Brenda: I wish I didn’t feel like I always had to protect myself. I envy people who go into relationships with pure optimism, believing it’ll last forever. I want to be like that, to love freely without the voice in my head reminding me of how things have gone in the past.
Godwin: Does this one feel different?
Brenda: It does. And that scares me even more.
Why does it scare you?
Brenda: The more I care, the more I have to lose. Breakups don’t shock me anymore, but this? If this doesn’t work, I don’t know how I’ll handle it.
Godwin: That’s exactly why I want you to believe in us. I don’t want you to be preparing for the worst when all I’m trying to do is give us my best.
Brenda: I know. And that’s what I’m working on.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your love life?
Godwin: Right now, a 7. We have great moments, but I want more security in our relationship.
Brenda: A 6. Not because I don’t love him, but because I still have a lot of unlearning to do.
Godwin: That’s all I need as long as you’re willing to try.
Brenda: I am.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
