Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Henry: It was in 2018, at a wedding where Joy was a bridesmaid, and I was a guest. We sat at the same table and she made a joke about her dress being too tight. I laughed so hard I spilled wine on myself. There was a charm about her that just pulled me in.
What made her joke that funny?
Henry: It was the delivery and how freely it came out. I think that’s stuff you only say to your girls, not to random guests at a party.
Joy: That dress was suffocating me. I saw Henry laughing after my comment and thought, “He seems like a fun guy.” Later that night, the MC dragged us to the dance floor for a competition, even though Henry swore he couldn’t dance.
Henry: It’s the truth—I still can’t dance. But we had fun.
Did you spend the rest of the wedding together?
Henry: Not really. We talked and danced for a bit, but nothing deep. We talked about Nigerian tailors, the food, and the bride, who was a mutual friend. Also, she had bridesmaids duties, so she kept disappearing.
Joy: He asked for my number at the end of the night. I thought to myself, “Hmmm, would it kill Lagos men to talk and leave it at that?” But I gave him the number. I figured I could block or ignore him if things got weird.
So, when did you contact her, Henry?
Henry: The moment I got home. I wanted to be sure she gave me the correct number, and I was curious to see if she had the same energy online.
Joy: I was close to ignoring him because I was exhausted when I got home. But he kicked things off with a string of unhinged stickers, and as a WhatsApp sticker collector myself, I knew he had a sense of humour. We texted a little bit that night, then every week after that. At first, it was just small talk as we slowly got closer. I realised I liked him when he started calling me his “go-to for good vibes.”
Henry: I liked her even before she realised it. She seemed thoughtful and really present. She cared deeply for those around her, which I first noticed at the wedding, but I chalked it up to her bridesmaids duties.
One day, I casually mentioned I had a terrible cold at work. Joy showed up at my place that night with a bowl of pepper soup and painkillers. That was when I knew I wanted more with her.
Sounds like you both clicked very early
Joy: Yes, we did. The early days of knowing each other and becoming an item were really good. We spent so much time together—going on dates, hanging out with friends. It was fun and easy because Henry didn’t try to control my carefree nature. I’ve dated people who said I was too much or not ladylike enough. But Henry accepted me for who I was.
Henry: We were inseparable. My friends and family members also loved her. Her infectious energy lights up a room and attracts people to her. I didn’t have to do much to bring her into my social circle.
I feel like I’ve missed something. When did you guys become official?
Henry: Six or seven months after we met. We were both single, and our family and friends already assumed we were together because we showed up to gatherings and posted the cutest photos. We didn’t try to correct the impression that we weren’t lovers, but it might have sped things up.
Joy: I’d been single for a year and some months, and I think I fell for him because of how spontaneous everything was. I’m intentional with everything, including my love life. But when I met Henry, I wasn’t searching like I’d been for previous relationships. The spontaneity made it easy to go with the flow and say yes to him when he asked.
Right. Seeing that the early days were sweet, was there ever a moment you noticed something that made you pause?
Henry: Yes, but it wasn’t immediate. At first, everything was fine, but I started hearing things from mutual friends about how Joy owed them money. I didn’t think much of it because it felt like normal life stuff.
What do you mean by “normal life stuff”?
Henry: You know, like running short on cash before payday or borrowing to cover emergencies. I figured everyone has those moments. But it became concerning when I noticed how often it was happening. Friends would make side comments or joke about her borrowing habits, and it started to feel like more than occasional lapses.
Joy, what were you borrowing money for?
Joy: Mostly for my side hustle—an events business. Sometimes I’d take loans to pay vendors or secure venues, thinking the next client payment would cover it. Other times, it was for personal things—family emergencies and other bills. I always thought I could manage it until things spiralled out of control.
Did Henry know about this while you were dating?
Joy: I didn’t want Henry to think less of me, so I made a conscious effort to not involve him. I never borrowed from him or shared that part of my life with him.
Henry: Hearing about it from other people made it worse. I felt like she was hiding things from me. I couldn’t comprehend the situation because I hardly turned down her financial requests when she asked. She was also on a ₦50k monthly allowance, which I insisted on giving her, even though she said she wasn’t comfortable placing that kind of financial burden on me. If she needed money for her business or personal stuff, I’d have happily given her without expecting her to pay back.
How did that impact your relationship?
Henry: It was a source of constant arguments. When I heard something, I’d try to bring it up gently, and she’d get defensive. It wasn’t even about the money — it was the secrecy and how it made me feel like I didn’t fully know the person I was with.
I couldn’t understand why it was even happening. She had a good paying job, her parents are above average, and on top of that, she had a boyfriend who was willing to give if she asked.
Joy, how did you feel when Henry brought it up?
Joy: I felt ashamed. I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t want it to affect us, so I kept that side of my life away from him. When he confronted me, I went defensive every time because it felt like a personal attack, even though his heart was in the right place.
Suddenly, my parents’ and siblings’ warnings replayed in my head. They’d insisted I talk to Henry about it when we got serious, but we had something good. I didn’t see the need to sour it up. Moreover, unlike previous partners who I’d borrowed from, I never borrowed from Henry. This was progress in my books.
Did you ever think it could threaten your relationship in any way?
Joy: Deep down, yes. But I convinced myself that we’d be fine as long as I didn’t borrow from him or make it his problem. Looking back now, I see how naive that was. Even if I didn’t borrow directly from Henry, it still seeped into our relationship.
Henry: And that happened in some of the ugliest ways possible. Some mutual friends started calling her “Debbie” and I didn’t get it at first.
One day, a mutual friend texted me saying, “Tell Debbie to pay up,” and I was determined to get to the root of the matter. I didn’t care that it meant getting into a fight with her.
Was that your first big fight?
Joy: It was. I hated that it was about money, and even worse, my borrowing habits.
Henry: After I confronted her, she got defensive and tried to play the victim, saying I should be on her side regardless of whatever accusations. It didn’t matter that she was ruining our reputation and making people say ugly stuff behind us.
Joy: I cared about those things, but I was also helpless. The ordeal was overwhelming, and I felt like I’d failed myself yet again. All the spiritual interventions, therapy sessions and attempts to better myself—all down the drain.
I’m sorry. Did this fight lead to a turning point in your relationship?
Henry: Not entirely, but it planted the seed for our breakup. The final straw was when Joy borrowed from a loan shark and defaulted. They showed up at my office and caused a scene. I can’t describe how humiliating that was.
Joy: That day was my rock bottom. I realised my actions didn’t just affect me, they also hurt the people I cared about.
Henry: After the loan shark incident, I asked for a break to cool off, but what should have been a few days break became weeks, then months. Joy didn’t make any attempt to reach out, and I just left it at that.
Joy: I wasn’t sure how he would react if I reached out. After the loan shark event, he didn’t try to have a discussion or register his displeasure. He just went silent, and in my head, I was sure he was done with me.
I’m not sure he remembers, but the way he asked for a break reinforced the thoughts I had about him being embarrassed of me.
I’m curious. How did you both handle the breakup?
Henry: I buried myself in work and tried to move on. I dated a bit, but nothing serious.
Joy: It was a wake-up call for me. I started therapy again and took steps to manage my finances better. I dated other people as well, but I felt like Henry was the one who got away. We were perfect, didn’t have any problems in the relationship except my personal issues, and I knew deep in my heart that I’d give it a chance if he ever asked again.
But we had no contact for two years.
So, how did you two reconnect?
Joy: In July 2023, we bumped into each other at another friend’s wedding i. I suspected he was going to be there, and I promised myself to keep things cordial regardless of the energy I got from him.
But my courage flew out the window when he approached to say hi. I became nervous, but I managed to apologise and tell him about my progress.
Henry: I’d seen her a few times since our breakup but avoided her. Once, I saw her at a mall and left for a different one.
I knew she was going to be at the wedding when I got the invite. I considered turning down the invite, but I was also itching to talk to her. I could see she had changed, she seemed more grounded, and she was eager to talk about her progress with her money problems. Speaking again felt like old times.
What happened after you met at the wedding??
Joy: He checked in the following day, much to my surprise. I didn’t expect him to follow up so quickly.
At first, our conversations were casual—exchanging updates and catching up on life. About a week later, we decided to hang out for lunch, and it was like no time had passed. The difference this time was that we had a lot more honesty between us.
Henry: We eased into things with frequent calls before meeting up for lunch a week later. I didn’t want to rush or complicate things, so I kept it light. That said, spending time with her reminded me of everything I loved about her. As we continued hanging out, old memories returned, and everything felt natural again.
I see. What’s the situation with you two now?
Joy: We’re taking things slow. I was seeing someone when we reconnected in July, and I didn’t think Henry would be keen on a second chance. But I broke it off because I see something long-term with Henry.
Henry: It’s hard to deny her growth. She has a level of honesty and accountability now that makes me see her in an entirely different light. I still feel strongly about Joy and I believe we all deserve a second chance.
Sweet. How are you helping her stay on track, Henry?
Henry: Therapy has been a game changer for sure; I make sure she doesn’t miss her sessions. I’m also a lot more involved in helping her budget, set financial goals, and only borrow when absolutely necessary. I’m her official accountability partner.
Neat. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?
Henry: I’d say a 7. We’re rebuilding, but we’re in a good place.
Joy: Same here. It’s not perfect, but it feels like we’re moving in the right direction.
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