Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
Ajoke, 28, and Solomon, 25, have been dating for three years. Today on Love Life, they talk about being coursemates, becoming friends with benefits and being in a polyamorous relationship where they’re both allowed to date and have sex with other people.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Ajoke: We were university coursemates. We met in 2015.
Solomon: The first time I saw her, I liked her. She saw her old secondary schoolmate beside me and was laughing with the guy. I liked her smile. I thought she had a good balance between being mature and being playful. I kept seeing her in class and we’d say hi to each other, but I didn’t tell her I liked her till our second year.
How did you tell her?
Solomon: During the break of our second year, we became close. We spoke over the phone for long periods of time, flirting with each other. I enjoyed talking to her. We had a lot in common. When we returned to school, I expected that we’d fuck, but this babe ignored me like all of the time we spent talking while we were at home didn’t happen.
For real?
Solomon: Yes, I even went to see her at her house once. She left the door open and stayed far away from me. It hurt, but I moved on eventually.
Did you two remain friends?
Ajoke: Not really. I didn’t want to be intimate with him because I felt weird about being intimate with coursemates. Imagine seeing each other in class after fucking all night. I couldn’t deal with that, so I withdrew from the friendship we were building.
How did you two reconnect?
Ajoke: In 300 level, we had an industrial psychology course, for which the doctor in charge asked us to wear corporate clothes. Solomon has this macho body, so whenever he came for that class, he looked hot as fuck. I didn’t tell him I wanted to sleep with him though because he was dating someone in our department at the time.
I let my feelings die until we went for NYSC in 2018.
What happened?
Ajoke: I took his number from the class group to say hi, and we got close again. I’d tell him about my sexescapades in Cross River where I was serving, and he’d tell me his experiences as well.
Solomon: She used to put up sultry pictures on her status. I’d always comment that she’s hot and one day we’ll get down. She’d laugh it off, but eventually, she indulged me, and we planned to meet up after NYSC to fuck.
Did you two get down?
Ajoke: Yes, we did. I travelled to Ilorin to see him in December 2018. I spent three days there, and we fucked 80% of the time. I really enjoyed myself. When I returned to Lagos, our conversations grew deeper.
Solomon: We talked about what we both wanted. I didn’t want a relationship where I couldn’t be with other people. She didn’t want that either.
Ajoke: So we decided to make our relationship official, but keep it open. We can see other people and have sex with them, but we’d be committed to each other.
Solomon: Around this time, she found a book about polyamorous relationships, and she shared it with me. When I read it, I felt seen. It affirmed our relationship. We’ve been together since then.
How has being in this unconventional relationship been over the years?
Ajoke: When we decided to be together, we consumed a lot of content around polyamory. From videos to books. One of the books we read was The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. We wanted to do it right, and we have.
Our relationship goes beyond the sexual connection. We have a lot in common. For example, he’s irreligious like I am. It’s nice to have someone I can always talk to about not believing in God. He’s my best friend, and I love being in a relationship with him.
Solomon: I love that we both know love is not limited. It doesn’t start and end with one person even though you’re in a committed relationship. One of the issues people in monogamous relationships have is that they feel that they have to love their partner 100%. I think that’s flawed because it would mean measuring love and missing out on life. That’s why we took our time to learn about polyamory.
Another thing we learned was that it’s not realistic to expect everything from one’s partner. Sometimes, your partner is not equipped to fulfil your needs. There are times when we seek good sexual experiences from each other while nurturing companionship and fantastic conversations with another partner. For instance, she likes girls, and I can’t give her pussy. That’s something she explores without me. I believe we both have a right to fulfil our needs through other people.
I’m curious — is jealousy something you both deal with?
Ajoke: Yes. In the beginning, I’d tell him about the girls, but not about the guys. When I realised we were getting serious, I knew I couldn’t leave out information anymore, so I started telling him everything.
Solomon: Even though I entered the relationship understanding that she might fall in love with somebody else, and I have to be okay with that, I was jealous when she told me about the guys she had sex with while we were dating. I had to sit down and ask myself why I felt the way I did. It’s not like her pussy was running away.
How did you deal with that?
Solomon: Jealousy doesn’t go on its own; it’s one of the things you have to work on. We also realised that jealousy is not a bad emotion. It’s one of the most important emotions in a relationship because it tells you exactly where your insecurities lie. Now, when we feel jealous, we make sure that it’s as constructive as possible.
Ajoke: It is difficult, but we always work things out.
This is beautiful. Tell me, what’s the best part of the relationship?
Ajoke: The fact that we talk about everything. I also love being in a relationship that doesn’t feel like a cage. I live my life as I want to and there’s this partner beside me, supporting me every step of the way.
Solomon: I love how much sex we have and how good it is. In the beginning of the relationship, we used to fuck like wild cats… we still do.
Aside from sex, I love how we both question religion and all of the other things we grew up believing. We’re both psychology majors taking our second degrees, which helps our understanding of each other and of our relationship.
This relationship helps me explore my sexuality, and I don’t want it any other way. With her, I don’t have to be gay or straight — I just have to be me.
Amazing. I’m curious about your biggest fight and how you resolved it.
Ajoke: I met a guy one time and I wanted to tell Solomon about it, but he didn’t seem interested at all. That annoyed me. Everything else started irritating me. Eventually, things escalated, and I had to go to my friend’s house because I was so angry with him.
Solomon: The next day, I texted her to ask when she was coming home so we could talk. When she came, we talked about it. It’s not like I didn’t want to hear her gist. I was just distracted at the time. After talking, we had bomb ass make up sex.
LOL. What attracts you to each other?
Ajoke: I love his body, and I love that he’s outspoken. He’s also so smart. I’m envious of him. He always has answers to my questions about school work.
Solomon: LOL. For me, it’s her body. She has the kind of body I’ve always wanted to have sex with— small and soft. I also love how honest she is. She just lives her life and doesn’t care what society thinks. I think that’s a tough way to live, so I admire her for it.
Sweet. Rate your relationship on a scale of one to ten.
Ajoke: 10 because I found my best friend in him. Our love is easy and allows me to be myself.
Solomon: It’s a 10 for me too. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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