Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
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What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Adesuwa: It was at a friend’s Christmas party in 2022. Some guy was trying to get handsy with me on the dance floor, and I wasn’t having it. Things escalated quickly, and just before I could throw hands, Chris appeared like a security guard and physically moved me away.
Chris: She was ready to fight. The guy wasn’t ready to back down either, and I figured it’d be best to de-escalate before someone got hurt. I didn’t want to be the person watching a woman get into a physical altercation while everyone else just stood around.
Adesuwa: I didn’t even appreciate the gesture because I was fuming. I just thought, “Who is this guy, and why is he touching me?”
But I saw him again at a friend’s house the next day, and I realised he wasn’t some random saviour; he was part of our larger friend group. We talked briefly and I thanked him for stepping in.
So, what happened next?
Adesuwa: Nothing. I didn’t think about him again.
Chris: That’s right. To be honest, I didn’t think I’d ever run into her again. Our mutual friend was only in Nigeria for the Christmas and New Year holidays, and his party was the only place where most of his friends came together. But life is funny that way.
Let me guess; you guys reconnected?
Adesuwa: Yes. We reconnected a year later at the same Christmas party. I wasn’t even planning to go because the events of the previous year were still fresh in my head, but my friend convinced me last minute.
Chris: She came in this pink floral dress and a scent that enveloped the entire space. I recognised her immediately, but I wasn’t sure if she’d remember me, so I kept my cool. However, I soon noticed her sitting by herself, so I approached her to say hi.
Adesuwa: I looked up and thought, “Wait, why do you look familiar?”
He reminded me about the fight situation, and that was when I finally placed him.
Right
Chris: Our conversation flowed from there. I don’t know how we went from talking about the Detty December rush in Lagos to our views on relationships. Still, somehow, we ended up in this deep conversation about love, marriage, and how society makes people feel like they have to follow a particular script.
Adesuwa: When Chris mentioned how his family was constantly on his case about getting married, I immediately rolled my eyes because, same. My mum, aunts, and even my dad had started dropping hints about bringing someone home. And it was exhausting.
Chris: We realised we had similar relationship views before the night ended.
What were these “views”?
Chris: I told Adesuwa I wasn’t the person who dreamed about getting married or starting a family. I liked companionship, but I didn’t see the need for romance, sex, or all the other things people assume should come with a relationship.
Adesuwa: It was the first time I met someone who felt exactly the same way. I’ve never been interested in marriage—not in the way society expects. I love my independence. I don’t want kids, and I don’t need romance or sex to feel fulfilled.
Chris: We talked for hours that night. While everyone else partied, we were in a corner, deep in conversation about how we wanted to structure our lives differently.
Curious. Have you both been in previous relationships?
Adesuwa: I’ve had a few relationships, but they always ended because I wasn’t interested in the same things my partners wanted — marriage, kids, or even a certain level of emotional intimacy. They always felt like something was missing with me.
Chris: Same here. I’ve dated people, but I struggled with the expectations that come with relationships. I enjoyed companionship but didn’t want the emotional labour or the traditional commitments. That’s a dealbreaker for most people.
Adesuwa: That’s why our conversation that night felt so refreshing. It was the first time I didn’t feel like I was the odd one out.
Nice. So, how did you decide to be together?
Chris: Well, we kept in touch, met up a few times over the next few months, and just enjoyed each other’s company whenever we were together. The more we talked, the more we realised we could make this partnership work for us.
Adesuwa: One night in September 2023, I jokingly said, “Maybe we should just pretend we’re dating so our families can stop disturbing us.” And then we both sat with that thought for a second and realised… Wait, why not?
Chris: It made sense. We already liked spending time together; this way, we could get everyone off our backs without compromising on the things we didn’t want.
Adesuwa: Funny enough, I have a distant aunt in a similar kind of relationship. She divorced her husband a few years ago, and now she’s with a man who also has kids from a previous marriage. They live together but sleep in separate rooms. There’s no pressure for romance, just companionship and support.
Chris: That’s the dream, honestly.
Adesuwa: Exactly. My aunt once told me that if she had known she could have this kind of setup from the beginning, she wouldn’t have bothered with marriage. That really stuck with me. But yes, you could say we became official in January 2024.
Chris: It should have happened in February. I remember she visited a few weeks after New Year’s, and we had a conversation about the rules that’ll guide us if we decide to move forward. I might have hinted at going to a fancy dinner just to make things unique, and the earliest date on our schedule was the second week in February.
Adesuwa: We both squirmed at the thought and made sure we carved out time in the last week of January.
I see. Chris, you mentioned something about rules earlier on. Can you share the rules of this relationship?
Chris: No intimacy. There’s no pressure to say I love you or make grand romantic gestures. Just partnership. We spend time together, go on dates and trips, and attend family events as a couple. But there are clear boundaries.
Adesuwa: We also agreed to be honest with each other. If we start feeling differently about this arrangement, we must talk about it.
Has that ever happened? Finding yourself feeling differently about the arrangement?
Adesuwa: Not yet, but I like knowing we have an open-door policy. If something changes, we’ll talk about it instead of pretending everything is fine. That was really important to us from the beginning. No pretence, no unnecessary pressure.
Chris: That said, we’ve been figuring out how to navigate intimacy in a way that works for us. It’s one of the few aspects of our relationship that’s still evolving.
Adesuwa: I’ve been introducing Chris to the concept of autosexuality. It’s something I’ve identified with for a while, but most people don’t even know it exists. It means I’m most attracted to myself. I don’t need another person to feel desired or experience pleasure. Romance and sex with someone else have never been a priority for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy self-induced orgasms.
Chris: That’s where things get interesting because it’s not about a lack of desire for me — I just don’t see the need to pursue it within a relationship. We both know we like pleasure, but we also know we don’t want to have sex.
Adesuwa: So far, Chris has been receptive to the idea of exploring autosexuality, but our sexual desires is an aspect of this relationship that’s still evolving. And we’re on track to figuring it out.
Right. Do you think you’re sexually attracted to each other?
Chris: I don’t think so. At least not in the way people expect. Adesuwa is beautiful, and I acknowledge that, but I don’t look at her and feel the urge to be physical.
Adesuwa: Same. I think people assume that just because two people are close and spend a lot of time together, there must be some hidden desire. But that’s not the case with us.
Chris: What we have is built on companionship, not attraction. That makes it work — no underlying tension or expectations exist.
Adesuwa: We’re not repressing anything or forcing ourselves into this dynamic. It’s just what feels natural to us.
Sweet. Do your friends and family know your arrangement?
Adesuwa: No. My parents think Chris is my serious boyfriend.
Chris: Same with my family. Only a few close friends know the truth.
Adesuwa: And honestly, that’s fine. It keeps people off our backs.
Have you guys ever had a major fight?
Chris: It’s not exactly a fight, but we’ve had serious conversations about boundaries. At a point, it felt like we were spending too much time together. We did almost everything together — weekends, after-work hangouts, even impromptu trips. At some point, Adesuwa pulled back.
Adesuwa: I needed to. I’ve always valued my independence, and even though we have this arrangement, I realised I was starting to feel a bit suffocated. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy spending time with Chris, but I needed space to just be by myself without feeling obligated to check in or make plans.
Chris: I initially didn’t see it as a big deal. But when she distanced herself, it made me reflect. Even without traditional romance, we still needed to communicate and adjust to each other’s needs.
How did you resolve and move past it?
Adesuwa: We sat down and reestablished our boundaries. We agreed that while we’re committed to being each other’s partners, we must also prioritise our individuality. That means being intentional about taking solo time, nurturing friendships outside of this relationship, and just making sure we don’t fall into a cycle of codependency.
Chris: Once we acknowledged the issue, figuring out what worked for us was easier. Now, we’re more conscious of giving each other space when needed. It’s also not about pulling away completely but finding a balance. She made it clear that needing space didn’t mean she didn’t value our partnership. Now, we have a rhythm. Some days we spend together; other days, we do our own thing.
How would you describe the future of this relationship?
Adesuwa: We’re taking it one day at a time. There’s no pressure to define what’s next or follow a specific timeline. We both know we don’t want marriage in the conventional sense and are not interested in romantic expectations. But beyond that, we’re committed to each other in our own way.
Chris: Many people think relationships only have two end goals — marriage or a breakup — but we don’t see it that way. We’re building a life that works for us together. We want to be each other’s constant support system. Maybe years from now, we’ll still live together, share responsibilities, and navigate life as a team. Or maybe one of us will decide to move on to something else. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it when the time comes.
Adesuwa: If anything, we know we want stability. We want to keep pushing each other to succeed, to enjoy life, and to have companionship.
Chris: We’re in this for the long haul but on our terms.
On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate your love life?
Chris: I’d say an 8. It’s not the kind of relationship most people would understand, but it gives me everything I need. And someone I genuinely enjoy doing life with.
Adesuwa: An 8 feels right. It’s unconventional, but it works. I love that I don’t have to conform to societal expectations of what a relationship should be. I get to keep my independence while still having someone who supports me. We’re just two people choosing to be in each other’s lives in a way that makes sense to us. That’s what matters.
If you want to share your own Love Life story, fill out this form.
