Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
How did you two meet?
Uduak: I met him through my brother-in-law. He told me an old friend of his was looking for someone to marry, and he thought we’d get along well. This was sometime in 2009. He asked me if he could share my number, and I said yes.
JJ: I got her number and called her that night. We agreed to meet later in the week during my off day. I used to work with a family to take care of their house, make sure everything was running and working well 24/7 and run some major errands for them.
We met after church service on a Sunday afternoon. I went to her church to pick her up, and we went to eat in an eatery in Calabar South. I bought us some snacks and two bottles of Fanta — every time our lastborn hears this story, he says that’s why he loves Fanta so much.
My first impression of her in her choir uniform — and the way she spoke as we talked in the eatery — was good.
Uduak: We didn’t stay there for long. Once we ate the snacks and talked for some minutes, he told me of his intentions to start seeing me, with the bottom line being for us to get married. I was a little concerned because I’d just finished from the polytechnic a month before that and was still struggling to find work. But he said he didn’t mind, so my mind became at rest.
He eventually helped me get a job as his boss’s neighbour’s stay-at-home nanny.
When did you realise you liked each other?
JJ: As soon as I heard her voice that first night on the phone, I knew I liked her. She has a sweet, gentle voice that calms me every time she talks, even till today. Meeting her for the first time only made me sure about it.
Uduak: I think I liked him when we first met, but it took some time for me to be sure. After seeing each other once a week then twice and thrice a week, I began to long to see him. That’s how I knew something was happening between us.
JJ: After she got the job with my neighbours — I used to stay in my boss’s BQ — they started complimenting her, saying she was a good girl, and they noticed the difference in how their baby behaved since she started taking care of her. This made me know she would be a good wife and take care of our children well. I started liking her even more.
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When did like turn to love?
JJ: When we started spending more time together. After about two or three months, she started coming to visit more often, and she would bring food, or manage my small bachelor’s gas top to cook something fresh for me in the BQ. I loved the time and care she put into these meals, often spending her own money to make them rich.
She would sleep over at my place on her off days. When they clashed with my own off days, we had time to talk and get to know each other even more. By the end of that year — five months after we started seeing each other — I was ready to propose, so I went to talk to my elder brother about her.
Uduak: It was the way he always looked out for me, helped me run errands or take care of my younger ones who used to come around sometimes when he was free. He’d even make time to accompany me to places I didn’t want to go alone. He was always there for me. And then, he helped me get my first job with that nice family. That showed real love and care, so I had no choice but to fall in love.
He also helped my family out in any little way he could, sending me and my siblings ₦2k here and there. He tried his best from early on in our relationship. I also did the best I could to make sure he was happy and comfortable.
Great
JJ: One thing I loved that she did was decorate my room in those early months. She brought some nicely framed pictures to put on my walls, some artificial flowers and those solid air fresheners in boxes. She also made new bedsheets and curtains for me.
Uduak: I trained as a tailor while I was in poly, so it was the least I could do. I wanted to make his place look as best as it could.
JJ: For my first birthday while we were together, she got one of my pictures and framed it for me as a gift. It was the best gift I’d ever received at that point. I actually cried a little when I saw it.
What was your first major fight about?
Uduak: After I got pregnant, my aunty who was my primary guardian in Calabar, asked me to move in with him. He wasn’t happy about it because he didn’t think the BQ was okay for us to live together. He was also concerned about what his boss would think.
But my aunty told other family members about the pregnancy, and they didn’t trust him. They thought he was trying to avoid taking responsibility, and I was being a fool. My aunty told me, “You think I no know say you dey sleep for that same BQ when you dey off, instead of coming back to this house? So why the place suddenly no okay for you now wey you don carry belle?”
I did as they said and pack into his house in February 2010.
How did that go?
JJ: I’d already decided to marry her, but I was still putting money together to leave my oga’s house and start a small printing business. I was doing it small small, printing cards and other corporate items for the company where my boss worked. But I had to share most of the profit with him, and I didn’t have time to push the business while working with him at home.
I had other side work I was doing while saving towards the business and marriage expenses, but I wasn’t making enough to take care of a family yet. While I was planning towards it, the baby came some months too early. I wish she and her family had been more patient with me. Living together in my oga’s BQ wasn’t the plan at all.
Uduak: The night I moved in, he didn’t come home. I didn’t see him till my next off day, which was two weeks later. I could tell he was still angry. Things were rough between us during the first month of my stay, and I was scared. But after a while, it became better, and we started talking properly.
When did he finally propose?
Uduak: He didn’t really propose. About four months after I moved in, he and his people went to see my parents in the village. They agreed to let him marry me but gave him a list of things he needed to do first.
JJ: Everything in that list cost about ₦500k that year, which is like ₦1.5m in today’s money. I didn’t have that kind of money. So I had to work for over a year to raise it. I would buy the different things small small and send them to her village — one goat here, two two cartons of stout, just like that.
During that time, the baby came, and we had to move to our own place. We also had to leave our jobs, so things were tight. I started pushing the printing business small small and doing some buying and selling. My brothers and one of my uncles also chipped in.
But before we could finally go to the village and do the traditional wedding, she was pregnant again. We did the ceremony anyway because I didn’t feel good carrying on with her in my home, already starting a family without marrying her properly. I wanted her and her family to know I valued her. She’s a good woman.
Uduak: When we finally went to my village, I could tell he was happy. His face was glowing. He felt proud that he could buy me my traditional attire with the thick beads, headgear and makeup. And I was also happy that he made all that effort for me.
It reminded me of Jacob in the Bible, and how he went above and beyond for Rachael.
JJ: The traditional ceremony drained my pocket.
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It was for a good cause. How has this relationship been different from past ones?
JJ: This was my first relationship where I said, “I’m ready to be serious and settle down,” before I even went into it. So the way I approached everything was different.
In my past relationships, it was just “This is my girlfriend. Let’s have fun and go crazy. Who cares?” But with her, it’s, “This is my wife. She will be the mother of my children.” Her welfare and happiness have always been my priority, so instead of thinking fun, fun, fun, I’m always thinking, “Are you okay? Am I making you happy?”
It was like that from the first day.
Uduak: That’s true. When I started seeing him, there was this gentleness and respect he accorded me that made me feel loved.
I had two boyfriends while I was in the polytechnic, but my relationship with JJ made me feel like they didn’t care about me. They just used me to pass time, and that’s why both of those relationships ended so easily. They were going nowhere. This relationship is the first one where the man knew he wanted something serious out of it and worked to get it.
And he has worked really hard for me and our family. I do my best to match his strength and hard work.
What’s the most unconventional thing about your relationship?
Uduak: Even though we had the traditional wedding in 2012, do you know we did white wedding only two years ago? I know many people will say why did we bother after so long? I’ve always wanted to be married before God, so I made him promise that we will one day. I wanted us to have a proper church wedding and a reception after, like everyone else.
I know it might sound like I’m greedy.
JJ: She’s not greedy. It’s always been her dream, and I encouraged her to hope for it. I didn’t want to deny her that. It’s money that made it take so long. I want to give her everything that’ll make her happy.
Uduak: Thank you.
JJ: After all, we didn’t go to the registry until 2018, so time is only a number.
You mean, a court wedding? Why did it take you that long?
JJ: We thought we’d do it together with the white wedding, but we kept postponing.
One day, her aunty called me and started shouting, “You mean you people no go court sign paper? That means say you never legally marry? You just dey play with my daughter. Anything happen now, you go bring another wife chase her and her pikin comot.” I was so embarrassed, but what she said made sense. We were being irresponsible.
When I went to my brother about it, he was shocked we hadn’t done it yet. So I made some enquiries, and we went to Calabar Municipal with her aunty and my eldest brother as witnesses.
Uduak: Our three kids at the time witnessed it, too. Bobo was only one year old then.
What’s the best thing about being married to each other?
Uduak: I finally have someone to take care of me. I’ve been alone for too long since I moved to Calabar after secondary school when I was just 16. I had my aunty, who took care of me as best she could, but she wasn’t that caring. And some of my siblings also moved in and out of Calabar, but we haven’t really been together since we all left the village.
Being married gives me my own family I can love and nurture how I want.
JJ: Having your own family can be comforting because you can run it how you see fit and make sure everyone is together. It comes with its struggles, especially when you’re the man of the house and it’s your responsibility to bring money home. But I take the responsibility wholeheartedly, and we’ve built a beautiful family.
Uduak: Yes, we have four beautiful children now. And it’s not always easy, but they make everything worth it.
How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1 to 10?
JJ: 10
Uduak: 10
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