Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.

What’s your earliest memory of each other?

Efosa: It was in November 2017, when she sent an epistle to a point I raised in our alumni group during our end-of-year planning meeting. Her points were valid, but her tone felt accusatory, and I didn’t like it. 

Ifeoma: He forwarded the response to my DM and said something like, “I respect your opinion, but in the future, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t address  issues in  an accusatory tone.” I  read the message and chose not to respond.

Why?

Ifeoma: I clicked on his profile picture, and something about it screamed “spiricoco.” He didn’t seem like someone I wanted to engage further with, so I left him on “read” and avoided his posts in the group.

Efosa: It took a week to notice she wasn’t interacting with my posts anymore. I was tempted to send another message to confirm she’d seen what I sent the previous week, but I decided to let it slide since we didn’t have run-ins anymore.

I see. So, when did things turn around considering the rough start?

Efosa: The alumni community organised a Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) project at our secondary school, and they needed a team in Lagos for an onsite evaluation. I had free time and volunteered, not knowing she’d also be there.

Ifeoma: I wasn’t thrilled to see him since I’d been avoiding him. But funny enough, he gave me a ride home that day because Bolt and Uber drivers weren’t accepting orders to the mainland.  We visited the site a few more times, which led us to start talking. I realised how easy he was to talk to. He was funny and surprisingly laid back.

Efosa: Spending time together changed the trajectory of our relationship. I’d always thought that people are a strong reflection of their online personality, but Ifeoma proved me wrong. It was hard to connect the Ifeoma who’d readily clap back online to who she was in person — she’s far more pleasant and definitely doesn’t pass her points across with accusations. 

We were often the last two people left after meetings, and our conversations started flowing naturally. We became friendlier and started talking more.

What did you talk about?

Efosa: We talked about our family, interests, and even our love lives. During one of our conversations, I learned she’d just gotten out of a relationship. That made me more interested since  I’d been single for a while and was ready to date again.

Ifeoma: He always steered our conversation toward love and our romantic life. At first, it was off-putting because it made me revisit my last breakup, which wasn’t my favourite topic. But it was also interesting to see how he thought about love.  In my head, I knew I wasn’t ready to date again. Also, as I mentioned earlier, I still got that subtle “spiricoco” vibe from him, which wasn’t what I wanted.

What were you looking for, and did he give off this “vibe” in person?

Ifeoma: Yes, but it wasn’t as dominant as I thought it would be. He was attentive, funny, and knew how to make people feel comfortable — qualities I wanted in a man. Honestly, it was a bit disarming because it made me realise I might have misjudged him.

Efosa: To be fair, my fashion game wasn’t exactly the best at the time, and I barely socialised. I guess that contributed to how she saw me.

Right. So what happened next?

Efosa: A few months after the project ended, I sent her a message out of the blue, inviting her to lunch on my birthday. I didn’t expect a yes since she’d turned down previous invites, but she surprised me and agreed to come.

Ifeoma: I turned down the previous invites because  I didn’t want to send the wrong signals. But by this time, I’d started seeing him differently. I realised I’d misjudged him based on a single interaction in the group chat. In person, he made you feel like you were the most important person in the room. So, when he asked me to lunch on his birthday, I thought, “Why not?”

Efosa: Having lunch together also sealed how I felt about her. I already liked her, but that day confirmed it. I went back home knowing I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Three months later, I officially asked her to date me.

Ifeoma: He showed up at my home with gifts, a handwritten note and lots and lots of chocolates. There was no way I was turning him down. Of course, I said yes. 

Sweet. How did things progress after you became a couple?

Ifeoma: We were enjoying our relationship and taking things slow. Our families knew we were together, but we didn’t let ourselves feel any pressure to rush into anything serious. At least, not until I found out I was pregnant.

Oh

Efosa: That was a huge shocker. We weren’t planning for it, and it caught us off guard. But it wasn’t just about the baby for me; it was about what the pregnancy represented for us as a couple. My family, especially my mum, made it clear they expected us to get married before the child arrived.

Ifeoma: At first, I wasn’t sure how to feel. On one hand, I was happy because I loved him. But on the other hand, I wasn’t ready for the leap into marriage. We were just finding our rhythm as a couple, which I didn’t want to lose by rushing into marriage and becoming parents almost immediately.

Did you talk to your family about how you felt, Ifeoma?

Ifeoma: Not really. They were already over the moon about the baby, and I didn’t want to disappoint them. Plus, Efosa and his family were on board with getting married, and that made me feel like it was the right decision.

Efosa: It wasn’t an easy decision, though. I had to think about how marriage and parenthood would change our dynamics and if we were truly ready for it. But at the end of the day, I didn’t want her to feel like she was alone in this.

We got married in a small ceremony with family and close friends in 2020, about seven months after she got pregnant.

Ifeoma: I think it’s one of the things I loved about being pregnant at the time. It was so easy to get our families to agree on a quiet and intimate ceremony. We told them we were going to have a big naming ceremony. Sadly, that never happened.

We lost our son.

I’m truly sorry

Efosa: He was alive for just a few minutes before he passed. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. One moment, we were preparing for the happiest day of our lives, and the next, we were making funeral arrangements. I had to bury him on my own because Ifeoma was still recovering in the hospital.

Ifeoma: I went into labour two weeks before my due date, and the complications came out of nowhere. I remember waking up after the delivery with Efosa by my side, but the baby wasn’t. When he told me what happened, I couldn’t process it. I cried every day for weeks.

Efosa: I don’t like to remember that time of our lives. I was also grieving, but I had to be strong for her. At the same time, I didn’t know how to support her fully. How do you even comfort someone after something like that?

How did the loss affect your relationship?

Ifeoma: It was like a storm we weren’t prepared for. We were already adjusting to married life, and then this happened. I became withdrawn and angry, mostly at myself. I kept thinking, “What if I had done this differently? Maybe our son would still be here.” Efosa tried his best to be there for me, but I know it wasn’t easy for him either.

Efosa: The house felt heavy, almost like the grief was a physical presence. We didn’t talk much, and it was tense when we did. I didn’t know how to share my own grief without adding to hers. But I also resorted to prayers. It just felt like the only option. 

And do you think that helped you navigate cope with the period?

Efosa: Honestly, I don’t think we would have made it without God. We started seeing our pastor for counselling, which really helped. He encouraged us to talk openly about our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones.

Ifeoma: And we started praying together. We’d hold hands in the middle of the night and cry our hearts out. At first, it felt forced because I was so angry — angry at God, at myself, at the situation. But over time, it became a source of comfort. It reminded us that we were in this together, and that we weren’t alone.

I’m sorry. Would you say you’re in a better place now?

Efosa: Yes, but it’s a continuous journey. Grief doesn’t just disappear; you learn to carry it differently. But we’ve grown stronger as a couple because of it.

Ifeoma: I agree. Losing our son was the hardest thing we’ve faced, but it also showed us how resilient we are together. It made us appreciate the little things and cherish every moment we have with each other.

Have you tried again since then?

Ifeoma: We did. I got pregnant again last year. At first, I was overwhelmed with a mix of hope and fear. I didn’t know if I could go through everything again. But I told myself it would be different this time. Sadly, it wasn’t.

 I miscarried at 11 weeks, and it broke me all over again.

Efosa: It felt like we were being tested again, and I didn’t know what else I could do to make it better. I wanted to stop trying after that. It wasn’t about not wanting children — I just didn’t want to lose her in the process. Her life means more to me than anything else.

Ifeoma: I sometimes feel guilty. I know he loves me, but there’s this constant pressure — from family, friends, even myself. Everyone keeps asking when we’ll have kids, and I find myself wondering if I’m doing something wrong.

Efosa: Her family hasn’t helped either. Last year, they brought up the topic during a family gathering, and I lost it. I told them off because I felt they were disregarding her pain. It’s like they care more about having grandchildren than her well-being.

Ifeoma: My parents were shocked because Efosa is usually so calm. But I appreciated it. It reminded me that he truly has my back, even when I don’t feel strong enough to stand up for myself.

Neat. So, where are you now?

Efosa: We’ve decided to focus on our marriage for now. No pressure, no timelines—just enjoy each other. We’re not closing the door on having kids, but we want to be in a good place emotionally and physically before trying again.

Ifeoma: It’s not easy, especially with the constant reminders from people around us. But we’re taking things one day at a time.

What’s the best thing about being with each other?

Efosa: Her resilience. Ifeoma is one of the strongest people I know. She’s been through so much, but she always finds a way to keep moving forward. It inspires me to be better every day.

Ifeoma: His unwavering support. Efosa makes me feel like I’m never alone, no matter how tough things get. He doesn’t just love me; he protects me, and I’ll always be grateful for that.

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your love life?

Efosa: I’d say a 9. We’ve had our big share of troubled times, but we’ve come out stronger.
Ifeoma: It’s a 10 for me. Knowing we have each other makes everything worth it. There’s always room for growth, but I’m happy with where we are.

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