Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Nonso: It was in 2015, during one of those boring group projects in university. We were in 200 level; she was always quiet, just in the background. We didn’t talk much back then, but I noticed her, you know? I didn’t think much of it.
Jane: I saw Nonso for the first time in 100 level. We were in the same department but different courses. He was helping someone with their laptop at the library. He was out of my league—tall, good-looking, and surrounded by people who were always laughing at his jokes.
Everyone knew him, and his name always found its way into people’s conversations. Over time, I realised why; he was just charming, kind and smart—basically perfect.
How did that make you feel?
Jane: I liked him, just like everyone else, but I kept my distance after that. It was easier than trying to force something when I felt so invisible. I used to daydream about us meeting under different circumstances, like maybe if I looked better or felt more confident, but back then, I convinced myself it wasn’t meant to be.
Nonso: Honestly, if you’d talked to me then, I probably would’ve been surprised. I never really got that you had a crush on me until we reconnected years later.
But why were you so sure it wasn’t meant to be, Jane?
Jane: I didn’t feel like I was good enough for him. I was overweight, shy, and insecure, and he was the type of guy who walks into a room and everyone gravitates towards him. He was always close to one beautiful girl after the other, and they were also the perfect “slim, kind, talented and smart” types.
I felt like I was stuck on the sidelines.
Nonso: Nine years later, I still can’t fully wrap my head around this. Honestly, it’s strange thinking back and realising how much she was going through at the time. To me, she was just… there, like another face in the crowd.
Harsh
Nonso: I don’t mean it in a bad way at all. We never had the opportunity to meet and get to know each other then. Hearing that she felt invisible, especially to me, kinda messes with me. I never saw myself as that guy—the type who makes someone feel less-than.
Jane: I watched the girls he hung out with—fit, confident, always looking like they had their lives together. And then there was me, avoiding pictures because I hated how I looked, dodging social events because I didn’t want anyone to notice me. I honestly thought, “Why would a guy like him even look at someone like me?” It was like we lived in two different worlds.
Right
Jane: And you know how Lagos is. Everyone’s so quick to point out your weight or appearance. I’d gotten enough backhanded compliments from family, friends, even strangers at parties—things like, “You have such a pretty face for someone your size.” That stuff sticks, no matter how much you try to shrug it off.
So I told myself it wouldn’t happen. He’d never notice me the way I wanted him to, and honestly, I didn’t want to embarrass myself.
Nonso: If I’m being completely honest, it makes me wonder about myself a bit. Like, did I give off some vibe that I’d only be interested in a certain type of girl? School can be very superficial, especially within certain circles, and maybe I didn’t realise how much I fed into that image back then.
Jane: Looking back, it was unhealthy thinking on my part. But at the time, I didn’t know better. It just felt safer to avoid him than to face the possibility of rejection.
So you went the whole university period without meeting officially?
Jane: We were in the same spaces, same group projects sometimes, but I always made sure to keep my distance. There were times when I’d see him at events or, like, random hangouts, and I’d just quietly leave or make myself as invisible as possible. I didn’t want him to remember me as “the fat girl trying too hard”.
Nonso: It’s wild to hear her talk about it. Honestly, I can’t remember noticing her at those events. Not because she wasn’t noticeable or anything, but because back then, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the people around me like that. I was just living in the moment, you know? Typical university stuff.
How do you feel about this in hindsight?
Jane: It was kind of exhausting, now that I think about it.
I was basically orchestrating my own disappearance from his life. I’d see him laughing with his friends or some girl, and just immediately feel like I didn’t belong there. I never gave myself the chance to just be in the same room without overthinking everything.
Nonso: If she’d come up to me back then, I don’t think I would’ve been rude or anything.
Was that really the concern?
Jane: That’s the thing, though. It wasn’t that I thought he’d be rude. It’s that I thought he wouldn’t notice me in the way I wanted him to. Like, I’d be just another person, and that was scarier in a way. I felt like I had to be someone he’d actually like.
Nonso: I wonder what it would’ve been like if she’d approached me back then—without the weight loss, without changing anything about herself. Would I have seen her the same way I do now? It’s a hard question to answer. I wasn’t as mature then.
Jane: So yeah, I stayed away. I’d hear through our coursemates how he was doing, but we never talked. It’s weird thinking we were just floating around each other for years without ever properly crossing paths.
How far did you go to be this “ideal” girlfriend?
Jane: I went far.
I feel crazy thinking about it. I don’t understand why I felt so strongly about him. Like, it wasn’t just about losing weight, though that was a huge part of it. I lost over 30 kg because I hated my body and felt like he’d never even glance my way if I didn’t change that.
But it wasn’t just the physical stuff. I started paying attention to the kind of girls he hung out with, what they looked like, how they dressed, how they carried themselves. And I felt like I had to match that level of “put-together”.
Nonso: Part of me feels guilty, like, why did she feel she had to go through all of that? At the same time, I’m grateful because I love who she is now, but it’s hard knowing she had to mould herself so much just for us to get here.
Right. What else did you do, Jane?
Jane: I’d stalk his social media to see the kind of things he posted about—like, what music he listened to, what books he was reading, even what restaurants he liked. And I’d try to get into those things, too. I started listening to his favourite artists, reading the same books, even getting into fitness because he was always posting about hitting the gym.
Nonso: This is so hard to listen to. It’s flattering, but also overwhelming. It’s nice that she tried to connect with my interests, but I think I would’ve liked her just the way she was.
Jane: I wanted to be able to have conversations with him that made me seem interesting, like I was on his level. I know it’ll sound hard to believe, but I didn’t do any of these things in a creepy way. I just wanted to better myself, and he was the perfect motivation.
And your interest in him didn’t die down after graduation?
Jane: I remember even turning down guys I was attracting during that time because, in my head, they weren’t Nonso.
There was one guy, actually, that I dated briefly in 2018. He was sweet, but I kept thinking, “He’s not who I really want,” so I ended things after a few months. It’s crazy looking back on it because I was holding out for someone I wasn’t even sure would notice me.
Nonso, what was your dating life like before Jane?
Nonso: Ah, my dating life was… let’s say “active” during university. I wasn’t looking for anything serious back then. I was attending events, meeting different girls. Lagos dating culture is wild—you’re either in it for the vibes or chasing something serious, and I was firmly in the first category.
Jane: I think that’s part of why I’m now glad I never bothered to approach him then.
Nonso: Yeah. I had a couple of short-term relationships, nothing too deep. After university, I was focused on my career. I think the longest relationship I had before Jane was about six months, but we broke up because we didn’t really vibe emotionally.
Looking back, I was avoiding anything too serious because I wasn’t ready for it, or maybe I just hadn’t met the right person. It wasn’t until Jane and I reconnected that I started thinking about something deeper and more long-term. She came at a time when I was maturing, and I think that made all the difference.
So how did you reconnect?
Nonso: It wasn’t planned or anything dramatic, at least I don’t think it was.
It was at someone’s birthday party in December 2022, and there she was. I didn’t recognise her; it took a while to put two and two together.
Jane: I was super nervous about seeing him again. I’d been following his updates on social media, but meeting him in person felt like a whole new challenge. I didn’t want him to see me as the girl from university who was too shy to even say hi.
When I saw him at that party, I thought, “Here’s my chance to make a real first impression.” So I approached him, and we just talked like we were catching up after a long time. I didn’t even know he didn’t know who I was.
When did you both catch on?
Nonso: Later on in the event.
We had a couple of our former coursemates there, so the references added up at some point. I was like, “Wait, you’re that Jane?!” I was shocked and happy at the same time. We talked and the conversation was easy, and I was surprised by how much we had in common.
We started hanging out, going on dates, and just enjoying each other’s company. It wasn’t until months passed and we were deeper into our relationship that Jane revealed everything she’d done to be with me. It was a shock, but it also made me see her in a different light.
Jane: Yeah, I guess I felt like if I could become his dream girl, everything would fall into place. But it wasn’t easy. I lost myself for a while.
In what ways?
Jane: I became obsessed with changing. For most of those eight years, I was constantly critiquing myself and feeling like I wasn’t enough unless I changed. If I missed a workout day or ate too much one time, I’d be so mean to myself. It was tough, but I think I’m better for it today.
Nonso: I’m proud of her for her growth and everything she’s achieved, but the reason behind it feels… complicated.
Jane: I also struggled with mad anxiety that it wouldn’t work out in the end. It took reconnecting with him and seeing how we felt about each other to start reclaiming who I am and who I want to be. It’s been a journey to rebuild my confidence and embrace myself without pretence.
Did people close to you know you were doing these things?
Jane: Not the full extent of it.
They noticed the physical changes, and they were supportive of my health goals, but I downplayed how much it was driven by wanting to impress someone. I told them I was just working on being my best self and getting in shape, which wasn’t a complete lie. I didn’t want to worry them or have them think I was doing it for the wrong reasons.
Nonso: I honestly would do the same in your shoes.
Same
Jane: I kept up a facade with my friends, too. They knew I was changing my look and interests, but they just assumed it was a personal growth phase. I would occasionally mention my crush on Nonso, but I kept the depth of my efforts hidden. I didn’t want them to think I was fixated or that my self-worth was wrapped up in getting his attention.
It was a lonely process, but I felt like I had to go through it alone to make it work.
Now, almost two years in, does it feel worth it?
Jane: Yes. I feel happier and healthier than ever today.
It’s been an adjustment, after putting him on a pedestal for so long. But like I said, I’m not crazy. I expected him to have flaws and be a human being. I’ve learnt that he’s actually a grumpy grumps and only charming when he’s outside. I’ve learnt that beneath his interests, he has quirks—like how he actually hates going to the gym even though he still does it semi-regularly.
Nonso: I hate working out. Once I’m 35, I’ll just embrace whatever potbelly life throws at me.
Jokes aside, I didn’t know her then, but I love her for who she is now. Even though I’m still coming to terms with her claims that she changed a lot to make this relationship work even before we really knew each other, it feels like what you see is what you get with her.
Have you ever regretted any part of what led up to this relationship?
Jane: What’s interesting is that the real Nonso is better in ways I never expected. He’s more grounded and thoughtful than the version of him I created in my head. When we have tough conversations, he’s patient, and he listens. It’s the little things—like how he shows up when I’m stressed, or how he genuinely cares about my well-being—that I couldn’t have known about from the outside looking in.
So, no. I can’t say there’s ever been a moment I regret waiting and changing for him.
Nonso: It’s funny because hearing her talk about this makes me realise how much pressure I was under without even knowing. It’s crazy to think someone could spend years building you up in their head, and you have to live up to that. I know I’ve disappointed her in ways she’s not mentioning. I’m not the neatest guy, and I can be forgetful.
But what I love about where we are now is that she’s seeing me for me, and she’s still here. We’ve been figuring each other out, and yeah, there’s been tension, but I think we’ve come out stronger for it.
Tell me about this tension. What was your first major fight about?
Jane: Oh, I remember this clearly—it was about two months into the relationship, days after I told Nonso everything. I thought I was being honest and vulnerable, but he got really quiet, almost distant, and it made me panic. He said something like, “So, do you even know who you are outside of me?” That hit me hard. I felt like he was undermining everything I’d done to get to where we were.
Nonso: I didn’t know how to handle what she told me—it was a lot to process. I wasn’t upset that she made changes; I was more concerned about the mindset behind it. Like, I appreciated everything she did, but the fact that she felt she had to go that far to be with me didn’t sit right.
How did you react?
Jane: I got defensive, started pointing out how I felt like I’d sacrificed so much to be with him, and it spiralled from there. I accused him of not understanding how much I’d struggled with my self-esteem over the years. I remember saying, “If you don’t want me, just say it now,” and he looked so frustrated, like he didn’t even know how to respond.
Nonso: When I asked her if she knew who she was outside of me, it wasn’t to hurt her, but because I was genuinely worried. I didn’t want her to think the only way we could work was if she kept trying to fit into some idea of who I wanted her to be. The tension came from that misunderstanding—she thought I didn’t appreciate her sacrifices, and I felt like she was sacrificing too much of herself.
That makes sense
Jane: That was the first time we really clashed because we were coming at the situation from completely different perspectives. I felt like I’d done everything for love, and he saw it as desperation.
Nonso: It got heated because we were both emotional. I remember thinking it was supposed to be the honeymoon phase, but instead, we were having these deep, painful conversations about identity and self-worth. I didn’t have the right words at that moment, and I think that made things worse.
But you resolved things in the end
Jane: Yes. We didn’t talk much afterward, and I even thought it might be the end. I tried to be brave about it, reminding myself that I’d prepared for the possibility that he still wouldn’t like me despite my efforts, and that’s okay.
But literally the next day, which was a Sunday, he reached out. We skipped service and met up to have a calmer conversation about it. We realised we were both coming from places of insecurity—me with my body and self-worth, and him with the pressure he felt to be the “perfect” guy I’d built up in my mind.
Nonso: It’s crazy. The whole thing is crazy to me, but it honestly just feels like destiny. I’ve gotten a lot more spiritual in the last year, and I see God’s hand in this, TBH. Sometimes, I just stare at her for long minutes and am amazed to be with someone like her. We have a few moments like that when we’re just alone and quiet together.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your Love Life?
Jane: 9. I have my dream man.
I know as feminist, we’re not supposed to treat men like the prize, but I set my mind to a goal and achieved it. It only means all my other ambitious life goals are achievable.
Nonso: 10. I have a driven and beautiful woman who I know beyond a doubt wants and loves me. I definitely won a prize.
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