Love Life is a Zikoko weekly series about love, relationships, situationships, entanglements and everything in between.
What’s your earliest memory of each other?
Joy: It was in March 2019. I don’t exactly remember how I got his contact, but I know we bonded over Juice Wrld’s “Robbery”.
Declan: She’s right. I’d texted her on a WhatsApp group for freshers to make some enquiries about school. We saved each other’s numbers afterwards, and that was when she saw a short clip of a Juice Wrld music video I’d posted on my WhatsApp status.
She reacted and asked me to send the clip, but I sent the full music video to her since I had it on my phone.
Joy: We continued texting each other after he sent the video. We talked a lot about music. We also talked about family and other school-related stuff.
Then, I got a shocker.
On International Women’s Day, Declan posted my picture on his WhatsApp status along with his mum and sisters, whom he was also celebrating.
How did you feel about that, Joy?
Joy: I was over the moon. I’d snooped through his Facebook profile and developed a crush on him. So, when I saw my picture on his status, I was genuinely happy.
Declan: I posted a few other girls on my WhatsApp that day, too. But yes, I posted Joy’s picture because I was attracted to her. I’d seen her around school and liked what I saw.
So, what happened next?
Joy: We planned to meet.
On the day we agreed, I got to the meeting point on time. However, I got there, and Declan was nowhere to be found. I waited about twenty minutes, before I left for other important school business. I was really angry because I’d wasted my time and spent an unnecessary ₦50 on campus shuttle.
In my head, I also felt that I should have been the one who kept him waiting and not the other way around.
Declan: I wasn’t intentionally late, though. I had some school errands to sort, or I probably overslept. Either way, I could tell she was really pissed when I eventually showed up at our meeting point.
I apologised for my lateness, but she wasn’t having it. Two of her coursemates also showed up around that time, and she told them what happened. I couldn’t understand why she was so upset, especially after I’d apologised.
But I didn’t let her deter me; I continued apologising. It was the first time we met face-to-face, and I’d made a bad first impression.
Right
Joy: I eventually accepted his apology because it seemed genuine — but then he did something else.
While we were together, he bought biscuits and offered me some, which I gladly accepted. I don’t like sharing, but I felt like returning the favour. So, after buying a bottle of Coke, I offered him a sip. But instead of using a different part of the straw, he tried to drink from the exact spot I’d used.
Declan: She refused, insisting that sipping from the same spot was like kissing. I thought it was hilarious, but it was the most memorable part of our first meeting.
Afterwards, we headed to class together and continued to do so as we became friends.
What were the early days of your friendship like?
Joy: Declan was a lot of fun, and we had great banter. On our way to class, we’d share his earpiece and listen to Post Malone and Juice WRLD.
We started spending more and more time together, and I grew so comfortable around him that I could tell him anything. We were in a WhatsApp group with a few friends who jokingly called us “the couple”.
At the time, I was dating someone I didn’t really like, and I often vented to Declan about him. But at some point, Declan started developing feelings for me, too.
Declan: Exactly as she said. We were close in those early days — best friends, even. But before I worked up the courage to tell her how I felt, I found out she was dating someone much older — he was 23 and she was 17. I wasn’t comfortable with the age gap, but I kept my opinions to myself.
As time passed and our friendship deepened, my feelings for Joy grew stronger. I eventually told her how I felt three months after we met, but she turned me down. Her reason? We were in the same department, and she wasn’t comfortable dating a classmate. According to her, we were better off as friends. I respected her decision until we started getting intimate.
Wait, what?
Declan: It started one evening when she came to my place after a long day at school. We were in bed together, and we kissed. We didn’t plan it; it just happened.
Joy: It wasn’t just a one-time thing. We started sneaking to his hostel to kiss, and I won’t lie, I enjoyed every moment. But the guilt started creeping in; I was still with my boyfriend, and the worst part? He had warned me about Declan when I first mentioned him. I promised to cut Declan off, but I didn’t.
Eventually, a minor argument about school related stuff between Declan and I escalated into a big fight, and it finally put an end to everything.
Declan: We didn’t speak for almost a month, the longest we’d gone without talking. During that period, I started dating another girl I’d been eyeing while the situationship with Joy was going on.
So, how did you resolve your issues?
Joy: Some mutual friends intervened. They made us share biscuits as communion and rekindling of our friendship.
Declan: I remember being led into a room in our department, completely unaware that Joy was inside. But the moment I saw her, I knew I was happy to be there. After talking things through, we shared a quick peck and made up.
We didn’t return to sneaking around after that. By then, I was already seeing someone else, and we both agreed that our relationship was better off platonic.
I’m curious. How did you feel about his relationship, Joy?
Joy: We weren’t speaking when it started, but I found out from mutual friends. There was an intense wave of jealousy; I wasn’t happy for him, so I was more than excited when they broke up about five months later.
Considering your relationship’s many ups and downs, how did things progress over the years?
Joy: I broke up with my boyfriend in 2020 after finding out he was cheating. I got into another relationship in 2022, but it crashed a year later. Through it all, Declan and I stayed friends, and our bond only got stronger. He was there for me during both breakups; we studied and went to classes side by side. I was just grateful to always have him around.
Declan: I remained single after my last relationship ended. I wanted to focus on myself — on my friendship with Joy. As she said, we grew closer. Even though we’d both agreed to keep things platonic, we crossed the line a few times. I was fine with what we had.
I’m curious. Did you still have feelings for Declan during this period, Joy?
Joy: Definitely. The feelings were still there, and I knew he felt the same way about me. The timing was just never right. Whenever he made his move, I was with someone else. When I made a move, he’d claim he was on a “self-discovery” journey.
For example, in January 2024, I asked Declan out and he turned down my request. It really broke my heart.
I’m sorry
Joy: When we finally talked about it, he said he hadn’t realised I was serious. I respected his decision not to make things official, but by then, I was already exhausted from always making the first move. Throughout our years of knowing each other, I was the one who initiated everything — including being the first to break the silence whenever he withdrew without explanation.
Declan: I don’t completely agree with Joy. There was always a balance between us because I had strong feelings for her and acted on them. But as she said, timing was always an issue.
When she asked me out in January, I was in the middle of relocating to another state, and I didn’t think starting a relationship was the best decision.
So, it’s been over a year since you turned down Joy’s proposal. Has anything changed?
Declan: Things feel different now. We’re still drawn to each other and love spending time together, and we’re being more intentional about what we want this time.
Joy: Declan moved back to town in November 2024, but I had already accepted that we’d probably just remain friends. Also, he got into another relationship earlier in 2024, which I wasn’t a fan of. I could tell he was more into her than she was into him, so I won’t lie, I was relieved when it ended December last year.
The timing finally feels right, and we’ve been having conversations about giving a relationship a real shot. But there’s also a church issue.
What church issue?
Declan: We’re both Catholics, but we don’t see eye to eye on certain things. I don’t want us to get together and break up over our differences.
Joy: Long and short of it is that he fully believes in the Church’s teachings on contraception. If we get married, he wouldn’t want us to use any form of birth control because preventing childbirth is considered a sin.
Wait. But didn’t you practice safe sex in the past?
Joy: It’s like knowing God frowns against certain things but still doing them regardless.
Declan: We weren’t supposed to be intimate or use protection, but we did. Now that we’re thinking about our long-term future, we want to do things differently. I’m a staunch Catholic and even though some of the teachings are somewhat difficult to adhere to, I can’t cherry-pick what I’ll stand for.
We’ve already taken the first step by halting every form of sexual relationship between us. She’s tried to initiate sex a couple of times, and I fell for it, but now we’ve stopped all forms of extreme intimacy.
How do you feel about this, Joy?
Joy: I thought he wasn’t serious at first and assumed I’d change his mind when we became official. But now that I know he strongly feels about it, I’m open to walking the same walk. After all, I’m also a practicing Catholic.
Is Declan aware?
Joy: Well, not until this moment. Over time, I’ve realised that I often get swayed in the direction my romantic partners want me to go, and I didn’t want the same case to play out with Declan. However, I’ve had time to think things through and being a Catholic makes it easier to go with him.
I also think it’s important to commit to ourselves this time. We’ve always been super close, and everyone I dated always had something to say about our closeness. If we try and it fails, at least we’d be able to say we gave it a real shot.
Are you willing to make things official, Declan?
Declan: It’s something to think about. I don’t want us to ever stop being in each other’s lives. I fear if we date, and things go wrong, it’ll be over for us. But I’d definitely love for us to work out.
Neat. What would you say is the best thing about being with each other?
Declan: Joy is amazing. She’s beautiful, and I like that she’s smarter than I am.
Joy: I like the way Declan makes me feel. My insecurities disappear when I’m with him. He’s my biggest cheerleader and knows how to comfort me when life gets hard. He cares deeply about me, and I’ve never been in doubt.
Sweet. How would you rate your love life on a scale of 1-10?
Declan: Joy is a 10 in my books, but I’ll give us 8.5. It could be more, but love takes time.
Joy: I’d say a 7. Our journey hasn’t been perfect, but I’m happy to have him by my side. I also think what we have creates a foundation for a healthy relationship.
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