Marriage is supposed to be the safest place to express your deepest desires, but what happens when there’s something you really want to try but can’t bring yourself to say out loud?
Whether it’s fear of judgment, cultural stigma, or just not knowing how to bring it up, these seven women have been there. They talk about the sexual fantasies they secretly want to explore, and why they won’t share with their partners.
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“I want to dominate him, but will he even allow it?”
For many women, societal expectations around masculinity make it challenging to suggest a shift in power dynamics during sex — even just for fun. Ada*, 29, shares:
“Sometimes, I just want to flip the script — tie him up, tease him, and take full control. But my husband? If I even hint at it, he’ll start praying against spiritual manipulation. One time, I jokingly asked how he’d feel if I handcuffed him, and he laughed like I just told him I want to summon demons. I’d love to try, but I also don’t want to make him look at me differently.”
“I want us to film ourselves, but what if it leaks?”
In a world where privacy breaches happen too often, some fantasies just feel too risky to indulge. And that’s exactly what’s holding Kenny*, 31, back. She shares:
“I love the idea of watching ourselves back — seeing how we move, catching little things we don’t notice in the moment. But my biggest fear? What if that video ever leaves our phones? One wrong tech mistake, one phone repair gone wrong, and suddenly, I’m trending for the wrong reasons. I trust my husband, but I don’t trust bad luck.”
“I want to do it somewhere other than the bedroom”
For many married women, privacy is a luxury that doesn’t always exist, and it makes many fantasies impossible to explore. Halima*, 35, says:
“I watch movies where couples are spontaneous — kitchen counter, balcony, even the car—but every time I think about it, my Nigerian brain kicks in. What if my kids wake up? What if my mother-in-law randomly stops by? What if my gateman hears something and starts gossiping? There’s no privacy in a Nigerian home, abeg. I’d love to be spontaneous, but the stress over getting caught is too much.”
“I want to introduce toys, but I don’t know how he’ll take it”
Introducing new elements into your sex life can be a real struggle, especially if you’ve got a partner who has traditional views on intimacy. Tolu* considered making a purchase once, but it never happened.
“I’ve read that adding toys can make things even better, but my husband believes anything other than ‘the natural way’ is unnecessary. I don’t even know how to start the conversation. What if he gets offended? What if he thinks I’m unsatisfied? One time, I saw a cute little vibrator online and hovered over ‘add to cart’ for so long before closing the page. I don’t want to start explaining why I was on a sex toy website in the first place.”
“I’d love to explore backdoor play, but he sees it as taboo”
Cultural and religious beliefs can often be the biggest roadblock to exploring certain fantasies, even in a loving marriage. Esther*, 28, can relate all too well. She shares:
“I know it’s not for everyone, but I’m curious. The problem is, my husband grew up hearing that it’s a sin, and I know if I even bring it up, he’ll start wondering where I got the idea from. I want to try it, but I also don’t want to end up in a prayer session over it. So, I just keep quiet.”
“I want to take control, but I’m scared of bruising his ego”
For some women, it’s not just about being submissive — it’s about avoiding a conversation that could make things awkward afterwards. Tolu*, 27, says:
“Sometimes, I want to pin him down and take over, but I don’t even know how to bring it up. He’s a traditional Igbo man, and in his head, men are supposed to lead everything — including bedroom matters. One time, I playfully held his hands above his head, and he just laughed awkwardly and flipped me back over. I don’t want to kill the vibe, but I also don’t want to keep ignoring something I really want.”
If you’re trying to exert more control in your sexual life, you should read our article on how to be confident.
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