In this story, Benita* (33) shares how her 12-year marriage to Richard* (40) came to be and how her marital journey has been marked by infidelity and endurance.
This is Benita’s story as told to Betty
I met my husband at a mountaintop church in 2012. I had gone there to pray for a husband because, at 20, I believed I was ready to settle down; I just hadn’t found the man I felt God made for me.
That February, I visited a mountain top for a five-day prayer retreat. Men and women were separated during morning and evening prayers, but in the afternoons, we mingled during the lunch break at the only cafeteria. It was during one of those lunch breaks that I met Richard*.
He was older, good-looking and very passionate about his Christianity. I was immediately drawn to him. Over the course of the retreat, he told me about his life and why he was there praying for a spouse. Richard was a youth pastor at one of the fast-growing Pentecostal churches springing up in Lagos. He had just ended a serious three-year-long relationship because, during marriage counselling, they found out he and his ex were both AS genotype. The split hurt him a lot, but he said God revealed in a dream that he’d be compensated with a virgin wife. That was why he had been visiting several mountain-top churches— to spiritually prepare himself for meeting this woman.
As soon as he said it, I got goosebumps. I was a virgin at the time. In my family, it’s taboo for a woman to have sex before marriage. For generations, the women in my family have married as virgins. Even the non-religious side of my extended family has rituals that punish women who lose their virginity before marriage. I shared this with Richard, and his surprise matched mine.
We both felt like we had found the person God wanted for us. He asked the prophet in charge of the church about my family, and after he confirmed our virginity norm, we began our courtship. Our genotype tests showed I was AA, so there were no barriers to our marriage.
By May 2013, we were married. On our wedding night, he confirmed that I was indeed a virgin. I got pregnant with our first child—a son— that night. His family also adored me because I fit the traditional wife mould. I did everything I could to integrate into his Igbo family, even though I’m Yoruba.
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Things began to shift in 2016 after we had our second child. Richard got restless. He resigned from his youth pastor position and started making irreligious friends. They’d go out drinking and partying, while I stayed home to care for the kids. Soon enough, I found out he was cheating on me with club girls and prostitutes. They went on weekend staycations and hotel getaways. I was devastated.
I reported him to his family and tried to leave him, but they begged me to stay. I was actually moved by how his family supported me. Richard tried to defend himself by claiming that sex with me had become boring. He said I didn’t know any “wild styles” that made him enjoy intimacy, but he never mentioned this or tried to teach me anything new. Richard loved the different experiences with these girls, and I realised that was what he wanted all along.
I got pregnant again in 2020 and gave birth to our last child, another girl. After she arrived, he slowed down on the partying for a while. I thought he finally wanted to focus on his family, but the truth was, the economy had gotten bad, and he simply couldn’t afford that lifestyle anymore. I tried to leave again in 2021 because I couldn’t seem to get past the past infidelities, but his family convinced me not to. They said that if I stayed and kept my home, no one would have a reason to call me the problem. But if I left, people would say I abandoned my home and husband. So I stayed. A large part of me felt they were right.
Richard started going to church again this year, and he hasn’t had any new girlfriends as far as I know. He spends more time with the kids and comes straight home after work.
Nothing about our sex life has changed for the better, though. It’s probably gotten worse. I still don’t know any “wild sex styles” and I refuse to watch porn because I think it’s a sin. Sex with him feels like a chore now; I only do it when he initiates it. I don’t feel the same connection as I did when we first got married. I’m praying to God to fix it, but even if He doesn’t, I’ve accepted it as my cross in marriage— and I’ll carry it.
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