Ramadan is a time for fasting, prayer, and spiritual reflection, but for *Hakeem, 32, the month also comes with a strong wave of frustration. While Islam allows intimacy between married couples at night, his wife refuses any kind of sexual contact.
In this story, he shares how his sex drive seems to skyrocket during Ramadan, but his wife wants nothing to do with it. Even when he suggests something as simple as a handjob, she shuts him down. Now, he’s left feeling rejected, confused, and desperate for the holy month to end.
As Told To Adeyinka
I always look forward to Ramadan. It’s a month of deep spiritual reflection, discipline, and blessings. But what I didn’t expect was that it would also become the month my wife and I started having problems in the bedroom.
Let me be clear: Islam allows married couples to be intimate after breaking their fast. I know this. My wife knows this. We’ve even attended lectures where scholars reinforced the fact that sex is perfectly permissible once the fast has been broken. Yet, for some reason, she has decided that this year, she’s suddenly too holy for sex.
It wasn’t always like this. We’ve been married for two years, and before now, intimacy was never a major issue. We had a good rhythm — sometimes spontaneous, other times planned, but always fulfilling for both of us. Even during our first two Ramadans as a married couple, we still found time for each other. The routine was simple: break our fast, pray taraweeh, enjoy some downtime, and then, if the mood was right, get down to business before performing ghusl (spiritual cleansing) and getting some sleep before sahur.
But this year? It’s like I married a different woman.
It started subtly. A few nights into Ramadan, I initiated things, and she pulled away, mumbling something about being tired. Fair enough; fasting is exhausting, and I didn’t want to push. But then it happened again. And again. Every time I tried, she’d shake her head and say, “It’s Ramadan, Hakeem.”
At first, I thought she was just adjusting to the fast. Maybe she was mentally drained and needed time. But then, one night, after taraweeh, I tried again, and she looked at me like I had just suggested we break our fast with pork. “I just don’t think it’s appropriate this month,” she said.
That was when I realised this wasn’t just exhaustion; she genuinely believed sex should be off-limits for the entire month.
To be honest, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. I understand that she wants to be more spiritually focused. But intimacy is a huge part of marriage, and completely shutting me out for 30 days is unfair. I even tried asking for small things — a little touch here and there, maybe just a handjob—something to bridge the gap, but she shut it down completely.
I don’t get it. We’ve both sat through Islamic lectures where scholars clearly stated that sex is permissible at night during Ramadan. I even tried reminding her of that, but she just waved me off with “I know, but it doesn’t feel right.”
And that’s where my frustration lies. If it’s not haram, and it’s something we’ve done before during Ramadan, then why does it suddenly feel wrong this year?
I won’t lie, my sex drive is higher during Ramadan. Maybe it’s the self-control required throughout the day, the healthy diet or the heightened emotions that come with fasting. But whatever it is, by night, I’m ready.
In the past, if she wasn’t available, I would just handle things myself. But this month, even that doesn’t feel right. It’s one thing to avoid haram things like porn; it’s another to feel guilty for even thinking about self-pleasure. So now, I’m stuck. I can’t be with my wife, and I can’t even take care of myself.
I’ve thought about pushing harder, maybe insisting that she honours my needs as my wife. But then what? Do I really want to be in a situation where she’s only doing it because she feels obligated, not because she actually wants to? That’s not the kind of intimacy I want.
I’m relieved that the month is ending soon. But this has made me think about the possibility of future reoccurrence. What if this happens again next year? Will I be expected to endure an entire month of rejection every Ramadan? And beyond that, what if this isn’t just about Ramadan? What if this is the start of a bigger shift in how she views sex?
I don’t want to bring it up now because I know she’s in a deeply spiritual headspace, and I don’t want to ruin that for her. But once Ramadan is over, we have to talk. Because while I respect her feelings, I also need her to respect mine.
Marriage isn’t just about worship; it’s also about companionship, understanding, and yes, intimacy. And if we don’t figure this out now, I’m afraid it’ll only get worse.
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