Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old pansexual woman with bipolar disorder and depression. She talks about prefering dry humping to touching herself as a coping mechanism, her love for sex leading her to chase orgasms, and the effect of her antidepressants and mood stabilisers on her sex life.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I humped a toy on my bed while pretending I was Gabriella from High School Musical, and Troy was talking to me. I didn’t have an orgasm, but it felt nice. I was 8.
How did you know what humping was at 8?
At the time, I technically didn’t. While I was pretending to be Gabriella, I just did what felt right in that moment. Humping the toy made me feel good, so I did it.
After the Troy and Gabriella incident, I didn’t feel the need to try humping anything till I was 9. I was on the floor of my grandma’s house reading my uncle’s copy of a Danielle Steele book.
While reading, I felt like I wanted to pee. I liked how it felt and bunched up the wrapper I was tying. I humped it till I came. It was my very first orgasm, and I tried so hard to recreate it.
I got an orgasm the next day by humping another thing I owned. I’m very relentless in chasing orgasms, and it started when I was a child. It got so bad, I thought I was addicted.
How bad did it get?
I moved to a boarding school at 13 years old. You’d think being in a boarding school would stop me, but it didn’t. I brought a toy plushie with me to school for humping. I also hid in empty classrooms to hump a sweater.
I was masturbating like three times a day, humping different things because that was the only way I knew how. I was Madam Humps-A-Lot.
Why do you think you were so into it?
I was a very unhappy child. I was either masturbating or self-harming — I would take my release anywhere I found it, and humping was that place. It also helped me sleep.
I tried other things, like touching myself, but it never felt right. The rhythm was off, and I couldn’t replicate the orgasmic feeling humping gave me.
All right. Let’s talk about sex with other people. When was your first time?
I was 17 years old, and it was with my then-girlfriend. We were able to recreate that orgasmic feeling I got from humping. We tried every single form of sex that one can have without a penis, and it was awesome.
The year we started dating was the peak of my mental health issues. I was in SS 3, applying to universities I had no chance of getting into, and it was making me anxious. I wasn’t eating and I was oversleeping. I went through periods where I refused to look anyone in the eye because I felt like a failure. I was self-harming every other day, but she took care of me.
She wasn’t too scared to walk on eggshells around me and was genuinely interested in making sure I was as okay as possible. That turned me on all the time.
This didn’t mean I stopped humping sha because we couldn’t have sex all the time. I didn’t start hacking other forms of masturbation till I was 21 years old. By this time, I had already started having penetrative sex.
Wait, let’s take it back. Penetrative sex?
The first time I had penetrative sex was when I was 18 years old. My then-girlfriend and I had broken up because school had ended.
I woke up that day in June and decided I was tired of my hymen. That’s when I told a guy to come over.
The sex was extremely painful. It wasn’t a particularly good experience because I kept cringing when he touched me, and he just grabbed me and shoved it in.
After that experience, I saw him for six weeks though I hated it and hated every time he touched me. It was even supposed to be a one-time thing, but he told me he liked me and I felt flattered. I didn’t like sex for a very long time after those six weeks.
How long is a long time?
7 months. I wasn’t able to have sex again till January.
When Christmas break ended, my friend linked me up with this man who brought my vagina back to life. Sex with him hurt, but in a good way. I particularly enjoyed his reactions when we had sex — he didn’t hold back expressing his enjoyment..
From then on, I started to spread my legs with careless abandon. I’m one of those people that loves to experience things. So an opportunity for a new experience comes, and I’d take it. I was having as much sex as I could. Plus carelessly spreading my legs led me to the man who taught me how to masturbate properly.
Please explain.
We didn’t have a masturbating lesson or anything like that. We were having sex, and he played with my clit til I came. I remember being shocked and trembling while he held me. I went there expecting to suck the soul out of his dick, but here I was shaking from my soul.
No man had ever made me cum by touching me before. I’d had plenty of orgasms, but none had been gotten by a man simply rubbing my clit. I tried to replicate what he did when it was just me, and that’s when I hacked masturbation with my fingers. I now know the pattern that works. and I masturbate often. I think frequent masturbation is healthy, but all that became difficult once I got on meds.
What meds?
Well, antidepressants for my depression and mood stabilisers because I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I’ve been on and off treatment for depression since I was 15.
I had a really bad episode in secondary school that got me suspended. The terms for my return were that a psychologist had to prove I wasn’t a danger to anyone else. I’ve never been violent toward others, but the violence I showed myself freaked people out. My dad wasn’t happy to hear that I was self-harming, but he wanted me to get back to school.
I was on antidepressant for a year. As soon as those meds were done, I knew I didn’t want any more of it.
But you got more?
At 20 years old, I went to a mental health institution and got put on medication again. I stayed on it for two months before I went off.
Why?
The first time I had sex while on my medication, I couldn’t get very wet and was drying out super quick. I got frustrated too and then we ran out of lube. So I let him finish and then went home to sleep.
When I tried masturbating, it didn’t work. I wasn’t horny or as wet as I should have been.
How did you know it was the meds?
I’m a psychology major, so I did have a bit of knowledge of what happens when you’re on medication. I just never made the connection to myself until I tried to masturbate and absolutely nothing was happening. That’s when I talked to one of my friends who was on the same medication and had an “aha” moment.
The thing about the medication is that they make me feel worse for at least the first 2-4 weeks. When I start them, I’m the unhappiest and most suicidal you’d find me. My mind hardly ever goes to sex, and I’m just stressed all the time. Not being able to masturbate makes me upset.
The emotions eventually balance out and I feel better, but my sex drive disappears for at least six months. It’s torture.
I’m sorry.
Most of the time when someone I like turns me on during sex, I don’t need lube. Like at all. When I’m on my meds, I use all the lube I can get, and I still won’t orgasm. The sex doesn’t feel as good.
How long have you been on your meds?
I was on this current set of medication for 6-7 weeks, but I went off my medication in late February, 2022.
Why?
One of the people I’m currently sleeping with has a penis that’s too sweet. I need one thing to go well for me in this life. I deserve good sex.
Did you go off your meds for penis?
Something like that. I nearly lost my job because my meds had me fucked up. I couldn’t physically make myself do anything. I was barely getting out of bed.
I hated myself for feeling this way too. I know I should’ve been patient and let the effects wear off, but omo. When they told me at work that they were letting me go because I was underperforming, I had to stop the medication. I needed a break.
How’s the break going?
Well, I’m currently trying to convince myself that drinking sniper is not a very bad bitch thing to do.
So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
A 6 or 7. I’m currently having good sex with a lot of people, but I want a partner or my own. I just want a partner who knows how to give painful pleasure and isn’t a complete dickhead.
