Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 31-year-old heterosexual woman who has never had penetrative sex because she’s embarrassed by the way her vagina looks. She talks about having to rely on just masturbation for her sexual gratification.
What was your first-ever sexual experience?
I was 11 the first time I watched porn. I had a slightly older cousin who always brought over a bunch of “blue film” VHS tapes whenever he visited, and my grandmother’s aunty — not sure what to call her — would watch them with him.
One day, I stayed home from school because I was sick and ended up watching it with them. They thought I was sleeping, but my eyes were open. That’s when my grandmother’s aunty started telling my cousin about her past sexual experiences.
She said whenever they went to the river as young girls, they would go to the part where the waterfall was gushing and put their private parts in front of it. She said it was good enough to replace a man.
Omo. I don’t even know where to start.
LMAO. After that day, I found out where my cousin hid the tapes, so I started watching them a lot. It was in one of them that I saw a woman using a showerhead to masturbate, and I immediately remembered the waterfall story.
So, when I took my bath that evening, I used the showerhead on myself and loved it.
How often did you do it?
Not very often because I started feeling religious guilt. I had just received my first holy communion as a catholic, so whenever I did it, I would have to go for confession. Then I went to boarding school, and there weren’t any showerheads.
What was your first experience with another person?
My first kiss was with a girl. I went to an all-girls school in my senior year, and I remember dancing with one of my classmates. We kept moving in closer and, for some reason, we just kissed. There was no tongue though.
The first person I kissed with tongue was a boy. I was in 100L, and it was very bad. He shoved his tongue down my throat, bit my lower lip and hit his teeth against mine. My lip and gum were bleeding. I remember crying when I got back to the hostel.
Damn. That sounds horrible.
Yup. I was really expecting some Cinderella-type kiss. No such luck.
What about sex?
I was legitimately terrified of getting pregnant, so sex wasn’t even up for discussion.
Why were you so terrified?
For some context, I was abused when I was seven years old. I didn’t mention it earlier because I don’t consider it a “sexual experience”. Anyway, while I was in the hospital, following the abuse, one of my aunties came to see my mother and me.
She told my mother that girls who get abused as young as I did always grow up to be ashewos because they already know how it feels to be touched by a man. She said I was now more likely to get pregnant early because I would be promiscuous.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Yup. My mum was very young at the time. She was in university when I got abused, and she felt so guilty that she almost dropped out. I was just a child, but I could see how my aunty’s words were getting to her.
My mum cried so much, even long after my aunty had left. So, I made a vow to myself, right there in the hospital, that I wouldn’t get pregnant. I wanted to prove my aunty wrong and make my mother proud.
I was horny all the time in secondary school, but I was too scared of getting pregnant to ever jump fence and collect dick. Even when my mates would do it and come back to testify, I just stuck to masturbating.
Wow. How long did your resolve last?
I was still afraid of having sex when I got to university, but I had this roommate who told me all the fun things I could do without penetration, from fondling to oral sex. So, when I met this guy I liked in 200L, he became the first person I experimented with.
I made it clear that I didn’t want penetrative sex, so we only made out and fondled each other. I never allowed him to take my underwear off because I was scared of crossing that boundary. He would always beg to put just the tip in, but I never let him.
He eventually got so frustrated that he freed me.
What happened after him?
I got a boyfriend a few months later, and he was the first person I let take my underwear off. I remember exactly how he reacted when he saw my vagina for the first time. He stepped back in shock, and I just had to pretend as if I didn’t notice.
He now used style to move to my breast and pull my underwear back up. I remember freezing on the bed and wanting to cry. We continued making out, and he got so into the moment that he pulled it back down and fingered me. I guess he got over the shock.
Wait. Why was he so shocked in the first place?
I think the manner in which I was abused as a child altered the way my vagina looks. It wasn’t penetrative abuse, but he used to pull at my labia and play with it. That caused my labia minora to become larger than my labia majora.
Since I started watching porn at a pretty young age, I had seen what a vagina was meant to look like — the labia minora was always tucked in and perfect — but mine looked nothing like that.
Then when I went to secondary school, girls didn’t waste any time telling me how ugly my vagina looked. It became so bad that I would wait for everyone to finish before I took my bath. I always got punished for being late, but it was better than being made fun of.
Wow. I’m so sorry. So, what happened with that boyfriend?
The next day, when he came to pick me to go watch a movie, he asked me if I smoked. Apparently, my vagina looked like I had been smoking and doing stuff for years. He was basically saying I had the vagina of an ashewo.
I got angry, cancelled our date and stayed home crying for the rest of the day. That was the last time I ever showed anyone my vagina. Even now, I never make out with the lights on.
Damn. How has this affected your sex life?
After that experience with my boyfriend, I became insecure about taking my clothes off in front of him. He eventually got tired and cheated on me, so we broke up. For the rest of my early 20s, I limited all my sexual activity to dry humping and masturbating.
Whenever a guy indicated any interest in me, I would make it clear that penetration was off the table. I became very good at dry humping and giving hand jobs, and that’s all I did until I graduated.
Did you date anyone again?
No, but I did meet a guy I had a mad crush on. He wasn’t fine like that, but there was something about him. Every time he talked to me and touched me, I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining how great he would be in bed.
He had a girlfriend, so I knew I couldn’t make a move at the time. They broke up, but during a pool party we all attended, I coincidentally shared a shower stall with her and caught a glimpse of her vagina. It was perfect, like pornstar perfect.
I immediately felt insecure. I couldn’t imagine him going from her perfect vagina to mine, so I withdrew. He kept trying to make a move, but I wasn’t being responsive. He also moved on, and I felt so bad. I ended up becoming a bit obsessed with him.
Obsessed? How so?
He started dating someone else, and I was actively stalking both of them on social media, waiting to hear that they’d broken up so I could swoop in. I would even masturbate to his image in anticipation of their break up.
At this point, the fear of pregnancy was no longer the reason I was not having sex; I was saving myself for this man. I wanted him to be my first penetrative experience. He was all I could think about.
Omo. Were you, at least, hooking up with other people?
Yeah. I met this guy during a work event and we clicked. He made me feel very comfortable, and he ended up being the first person to ever give me head. The lights were off, of course, but I was still scared he’d notice how it looked.
Not sure if he didn’t notice or care, but he didn’t react. He just got straight to work, and it was amazing. I gave him head too — I had watched a lot of porn in anticipation — and he came. I was very proud of myself, considering it was my first time.
So, we became friends with benefits, but we never had penetrative sex.
You were still waiting for that guy and his babe to break up?
Yeah. Then I heard that they had gotten engaged, and I was heartbroken. This news, coupled with the fact that I had just lost my job and was about to turn 30, made me become very depressed. I couldn’t stop crying.
When I told my friend what was going on, she got worried and invited me to come to stay at her place. She and her husband were very accommodating. I was their guest for about a month, and it ended up changing my sex life.
Ah. How? A threesome?
LMAO. No. One day, while I was helping my friend get something from her room, I spotted a small sex toy among her belongings. Immediately everyone had left for work, I went back for it, googled how to use it and got to work.
This was the first time something was penetrating me, so I had to use a lot of lube. It was a bit uncomfortable at first, but it still felt amazing. I increased the intensity of the vibration, and it was mind-blowing. I came a few minutes later.
Did you use it again?
I kept using it every day until the lube had reduced to an amount I thought she would have noticed. When I returned home, I needed to buy my own sex toy — my hands were no longer enough for me.
I was scared of using my ATM card to buy online because I didn’t want it to show on my account. So, I travelled to Abuja to go buy it. I lied I was going to look for a job, but I knew the real reason.
I came back with a bunch of toys. At the time, I was living with my mum. I knew I couldn’t comfortably use my toys in her house and that motivated me to move out. I was still broke and jobless, but I found a way.
LMAO. Wow. I have to hail your conviction.
See, I was ready. On my 30th birthday, I bought 3 packs of Chicken Republic rice and spent the entire day masturbating. I took a break to go see my mother, but I ran back and continued masturbating until the next morning.
Damn. So, what’s your sex life like now?
It’s just a lot of masturbating. I’m still insecure about how my vagina looks, and now, I have added a lot of weight, so I’m insecure about my body too. I’m just focused on my toys. They satisfy me, and one of them even made me squirt.
So you don’t want a relationship?
Of course, I do. As much as my toys satisfy me, I would still like to be held after I come. That being said, I’m scared. I’m scared of how obsessed I became with that crush; I’m scared that I’m not wife material; I’m scared that no man will ever like my body.
I’m sorry. Do you think you’ll ever try to have penetrative sex?
I have a dream of saving enough money to get surgery that will fix the way my vagina looks. I’m currently broke and jobless, so I don’t know if that will happen anytime soon, but if it does, then I’ll be confident enough to try penetrative sex.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it an 8 because what you don’t know won’t kill you. I’ve never had any fulfilling sexual experience with the opposite sex. All I know are my hands and my toys, and they have been good to me.
