Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 25-year-old heteroromantic asexual woman who talks about living with vaginismus, being sexually attracted to people for short periods of time and the struggles of being asexual and sexually active.
What was your first sexual experience?
I remember two experiences, but I don’t know which came first.
One time was with a neighbour’s daughter. After watching Nollywood movies and seeing people humping, I got very curious and wanted to recreate what I’d seen on television. I was in primary school.
The other time was when a boy in my neighbourhood and I were playing a game called “Mummy and Daddy”. It was this game where we imitated grownups. Sometimes we pretended to be a married couple, other times we pretended we were young people on a university campus. On one particular day, we acted out a kiss. It was the first time I kissed a boy but I didn’t really feel anything. It was just me acting out what I supposed adults enjoyed doing..
When next did you have any sexual activity?
The next time I kissed someone, I was 17. I remember asking this guy I liked how we were supposed to kiss, and he didn’t know either. My eyes were open for the duration of the kiss. In the middle of it, he opened his eyes and met mine shining. It was so awkward. I remember him actually screeching.
LMFAO. And sex?
I tried sex for the first time when I turned 20, but it didn’t quite go as planned.
What happened?
I was seeing a guy, and we decided we were going to have sex. When I got to his place, he pulled out some lube, put it on his finger and stuck it in my vagina. Nothing felt out of place until the lube started to burn. Like there was pepper inside my vagina. I asked him if it was normal. He said it wasn’t. Turned out that the lube had been expired for four months!
I beg your pardon?
I rinsed it off and it took another hour before we tried again. Then we met another problem — his penis couldn’t go in. Imagine trying to put your finger through the eye of a needle; that’s how it felt.
A few months later, I found out — after googling my symptoms, of course — the condition I had was vaginismus.
We tried and tried that day but ended up not having sex. Things with this guy ended soon after this. I remember thinking there was something wrong or I wasn’t aroused enough. Finding out about vaginismus really helped with getting past these thoughts.
I’m so sorry about that. So how were you able to have sex for the first time?
Practice and planning, my friend.
After doing some research and finding out that dilation was a way to fix vaginismus, I started to try it. First with one finger, then I added more fingers. I also tried breathing techniques to help me calm down. Soon I could insert small anal dildos of varying sizes with little resistance.
When I felt like I was ready, I planned to have sex with this guy I’d been seeing for a few months but had never had sex with. All we used to do was make out and sometimes I would perform.
Perform?
Oh yes, I enjoy strip teasing and doing sensual dances and being watched. Like burlesque dancers. I get so much pleasure from knowing that I’m the cause of my partner’s arousal. I love lingerie, so I usually wear them and just perform for my partners in person or over video calls.
If I had to equate the pleasure I feel from that I might just equate it to an orgasm.
Interesting! So how was your first time?
It was painful. Though I had been dilating myself with my fingers, a penis was a whole other ball game. Once we started, I felt a lot of pain but thankfully even before we started I’d been laughing so it helped me forget the pain.
Laughing? Was the guy cracking jokes?
Lol no. He had a football injury the day before we saw, so he had a cast around his leg and couldn’t walk well. When I came in, he was so horny and rushing and it was hilarious to watch. I figured if he had an injury he would at least take his time and ease into it. But I guess the wait made him too eager.
It sha made me laugh, and I’m thankful for it because I don’t know how else I’d have gotten through that pain.
When would you say sex stopped being painful?
I think it was after the second time. My hymen tore, and it made things easier. The more I had sex, the less painful it became.
So are you having sex more these days?
Not really. I feel sexual attraction, but it’s usually few and far between. It doesn’t help that I also don’t just find random people sexually attractive; I have to have some emotional connection with them. But in my case, an emotional connection isn’t even a total guarantee. I once had this guy who I was seeing and really liked but in the two years that we were together, I think I found him sexually attractive on two occasions.
There are times when I wish I didn’t experience sexual attraction at all, so I wouldn’t feel like I was missing out on something. So these days I inform potential partners that there’s a chance I won’t find them sexually attractive, and all I’ll want to do is kiss and cuddle but not have sex.
What if they are sexually active?
I’m fine with a sexually open relationship. My sex drive, even when I’m sexually attracted to a person, is not very high and there are these expectations with sex in a relationship that I don’t think I can keep up with anyway.
I mean I can have sex with them but just as an activity. I’d be faking everything the entire time.
The way I explain my experience with being ace is with hunger and appetite. Hunger is what you would call sex drive or arousal. Everyone can feel hungry (aroused). If you touch your clit, your body will respond; it doesn’t mean that you are attracted to anyone or trying to have sex with someone. For that, you will need appetite (sexual attraction).
In my entire life, I’d say I’ve been attracted to five people. The first lasted for about eight months; the second was for two days; the third was for two weeks; the fourth was for two years and the fifth was for two months. I find that I just don’t have the appetite as much as other people.
So how would you rate your sex life over 10?
I’d say 6/10. It’s definitely above average because I was having good sex for two years with one of the five people I mentioned being attracted to earlier. But that ended. Now I know more about the things that work for me in sex but haven’t had a chance to explore because I don’t find anyone sexually attractive right now.
Also, I’d like to state for the record that vaginismus sucks. I haven’t had sex in about two months and when I tried to masturbate recently, it was so painful.
