Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 39-year-old heterosexual woman who left her husband after 10 months. She talks about how the end of her marriage and her return to Nigeria accelerated the course of her sex life.
What was your first memorable sexual experience?
I think I was 16 or 17. I went out with a few friends in Central London, and we bumped into a couple of guys. One of them liked my friend, so I started talking to his friend. A few days later, we all ended up at my friend’s place.
She had a bunk bed, so she was on the top bunk with her guy and I was on the bottom bunk with mine. We made out for a bit and then he went down on me. It was nice.
What happened after that?
A few months later, we started dating, and I had sex for the first time with him. The sex was fine — it wasn’t fantastic, but it also wasn’t bad. I had heard a lot of bad “first time” stories, but that wasn’t the case for me.
Then shortly after we started dating, he brought up the idea of us having a threesome with his best friend — the guy my friend hooked up with. I agreed, and when we did it, I realised his friend was a better lover.
LMAO. Wow. Did you sleep with his friend again?
Yeah. Once my relationship ended — it lasted about three or four months — I started having sex with him. It wasn’t that serious. It was just a friend with benefits situation that lasted for about a year.
How did your ex react to that?
He was cool about it. There was even a time I went back to sleep with him, and when I didn’t enjoy the sex as much as I had before, he joked that his friend’s bigger dick had made me stop appreciating his.
LMAO. What happened after you stopped sleeping with his friend?
I got into a few more relationships. They were either very short or mostly about sex. Then when I was 23, I met the guy I ended up marrying. We didn’t have much in common, but sex with him was incredible.
We broke up for about a year, I dated other guys, and then we got back together. I used to do the whole body count thing before I realised it was stupid and stopped, but before we got married, I had definitely slept with a lot of guys.
How old were you when you got married?
I was 26.
How was married sex?
It was lit. The only thing we had going for us throughout that relationship was great sex. By the time we actually got married, the relationship was already disintegrating. I found out that he was a compulsive cheater and liar.
We lived together as a married couple for about 10 months, but even when things were really bad between us, we still had sex. For me, it was like, if I needed to get my orgasm, I would.
LMAO. I stan. Can I ask why you married him though?
At the time I met him, that was just what you did. I had finished university and was working, so it felt like the logical next step. I also got pregnant a few months after we got back together.
We started living together, but we broke up again months after we had our daughter because it became clear to me that he wasn’t serious. He came back to beg, and I forgave him. Then we got married pretty quickly after that due to family pressure.
So, what went wrong?
I found out he was cheating on me with his ex, with whom he already has a child, so that derailed the marriage. After I left, I learnt he had gotten another woman pregnant while I was pregnant — my daughter has a stepbrother that’s four days younger.
Then to top it all off, he got his ex pregnant again in the 10 months we were married.
Na wa. How was sex after married life?
LMAO. That’s when the fun really started. I knew my marriage was officially over when I visited Lagos and ended up hooking up with one of my brother’s friends. That unlocked something in me because when I returned to England, I was wilding out.
I got back to sleeping with any guy I wanted to. Then I moved back to Lagos about a year and a half after the marriage ended, and it was insane. People always told me about Nigerians being shy about sex, but that was not my experience at all.
Before I came to Lagos, I never used to understand how a woman could get pregnant and not know who the father was. Then in one day, I had sex with a guy, got head from another and almost slept with a third. The last two happened at a sex party.
LMAO. Wow. Did you have a steady partner during this time?
For about five months, yes. I met him during my NYSC year. He had a girlfriend in a different state, but we really connected — he was basically my soulmate, but he still had his girlfriend.
Once, I decided to end things, and we ended up having goodbye sex for seven hours. But then things continued till I left Lagos.
Damn. How long were you in Lagos?
About two years. After my marriage, it’s not like I hated men, but I didn’t trust them. They were just a means to get my orgasms. Living in Lagos was also cathartic because no one knew me, so I didn’t have to answer questions about my marriage.
It was also very easy to meet men. When I was in London, I only ever dated Black men, so being in Lagos and seeing only Black men made me feel like a kid on Christmas Day. Plus, unlike British men, Nigerian men were not shy about chatting me up.
Even married men were always trying to get with me.
Oh? Did you ever answer them?
Initially, I was very black and white — I didn’t sleep with or date married men. Then on my 30th birthday, I made out with a married man. The attraction was palpable, and we would have had sex if either of us had protection that night.
Then a few years later, I met one of my brother’s friends who I had made out with when I was 18. He was now married, but he didn’t seem happy in it. To be honest, I didn’t actually care whether he was happy or not. I slept with him because of our past connection.
I think once I crossed that line on my 30th birthday, the lines got blurry. Now, I no longer believe in monogamy. If you’re married, that’s on you, it has nothing to do with me. The only thing I hate is when men lie about their marital status.
Interesting. So, how different are things now that you’re in your 30s?
I’ve mostly stopped giving a fuck. I’ve always attracted men, but in my 20s, I went out of my way not to draw too much attention to myself. I have a big ass, so I always tried to avoid dressing too provocatively.
Now, I’m just like, “This is the body God gave me. Deal with it.”
Mad. What about sex?
After I came back from my sex spree in Nigeria, I decided to take a break and actually deal with the end of my marriage. So, I was celibate for about 18 months. By the end of it, I was gagging for sex.
It’s been a rollercoaster since then. For about four years, I went through a dip where I couldn’t find guys that could satisfy me sexually, but now, I’m with a guy who is my sexual match and then some. We’ve been together for a year.
Are you sleeping with just him?
Yes, but I think that’s mostly because of the pandemic. Sex with him is great, but I’m missing the emotional aspect of a relationship, so I’ve been curious about seeing other people once the world opens back up.
Like at the same time?
Yeah. I want to try polyamory. I know it will be hard to find willing men, but I want to. I also want to try more threesomes and finally have sex with a woman. I’ve found myself admiring women’s bodies a lot more, so I’m curious.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1 to 10?
I’ll give it a 9. I’d have given it a 10, but every now and then, the lover shows his ass and reminds me that he is a man. That being said, I’m having the best sex I’ve ever had in my life.
