The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 27-year-old man who masturbated for the first time when he was 22. He talks about the transition from saving himself for marriage to just enjoying sex, and why he never considered masturbation till he started having sex.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
I was 15 years old when I kissed someone for the first time. She was the second girlfriend I had ever had, and on my way to her house, I googled how to make out. I was very nervous and didn’t want to mess up. There were some very detailed explanations on the internet, but I eventually realised that nobody is really good at stuff like that from the beginning. You have to ease into it.
As time went on, I graduated from kissing to dry humping, and it became a defining part of my teenage years.
Why dry humping?
At a certain point in my life, I was very religious. I believed sex wasn’t something you had with someone you weren’t married to. A lot of the people I knew felt the same way but tried anal sex instead. I wasn’t too comfortable with that. With dry humping, you get some sort of action without actually having sex. It was a middle ground.
So, you dry humped your way into having sex?
Not really. I didn’t have sex for the first time until I was 20. Like I said, I spent the majority of my teenage years dry humping, but I was about to graduate from university, and I didn’t want to graduate without having sex for the first time.
That year, I met a woman who was four years older than me, and she was intrigued that I was 20 and had never had sex . She said she was going to introduce me to her friends and try to set me up, but I told her she was the one I wanted, and that’s how it happened.
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I thought you wanted to wait till you were married. What changed?
I was born into a religious home, so most of the zeal of my youth was channeled into being the best religious version of myself. Churches, and other people in my religious circle, always made waiting till marriage a big deal, so it was something I held on to.
Then puberty happened, and I started making negotiations with God. Sure, I wanted to wait, but my body had other plans. That’s where dry humping came in. There was so much guilt the first few times I did it, but as time went on and I kept at it, the guilt reduced. I took the same approach with sex.
I had grown into a person who approached life differently, and I wanted to know why I shouldn’t do the things they told me not to do. When I started having sex, it was fun. The person I was having sex with was also having fun, so why would I feel bad about it?
When I asked these questions, the responses always came from addressing sex as taboo and a thing of disgust. Sexually transferred demons was not a valid argument, and I didn’t vibe with that. It was a gradual process of having conversations with myself until, eventually, I got over it.
I tried to suppress how my body felt until I just stopped. There was no defining moment, no big “aha”. Just questions and thoughts.
Well, how was your first time?
It was a very good first time. I was really careful because I was taking my time and didn’t want to mess up. There was a point where I got really terrified. She was on top and kind of clamped on my penis. It felt great, and I was about to cum, but she said I shouldn’t. I thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to do, and I got scared. Later, she told me it was because I was enjoying herself, and she wanted it to last longer.
I love that she knew what she was doing, and she also gave me a few pointers. It was interesting.
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So, how did the sex journey continue?
Well, I was having sex with different women and learning things, but the strangest thing was that I didn’t start masturbating until after I had started having sex. For a lot of people, masturbation is their introduction to sex. It was just different for me.
While the message around sex was that it’s something you shouldn’t do until you were married, masturbation was something you shouldn’t do at all. Maybe that’s why it didn’t cross my mind until a woman I was talking to mentioned it.
We were having a random conversation, and I mentioned that I had never actually masturbated. She found it funny that a 22-year-old man who had been having sex with other people had actually never masturbated. Then I decided to just try it.
How would you describe your relationship with sex now?
Conversations around sex have changed for me, starting from the language I use. I grew up hearing people say things like, “I don knack that babe” and whatnot. These wordings give sex a wrong image and makes it seem taboo. Sex is something both people should enjoy, and if one person is not enjoying it, then there’s a problem.
I don’t believe in attaching negative things to sex. It doesn’t make sense to me, and if more Nigerians weren’t so closed off about sex, if we all just had enjoyable sex, we would be happier people.
What would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
7. It’s not like I’m having a ton of sex right now, but I’m spending a lot of time in my own space. I like it.
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