Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 33-year-old woman who’s been out of the BDSM scene for three years. She talks about starting with extreme things like fire and blood play, a dom that helped her find herself, and retiring from the scene until someone exciting comes along.
Tell me about your first sexual experience
My first time was a birthday gift from a friend. It was my 18th. I had told him I was bored and ready to try sex, so he linked me up with a friend of his.
There was nothing spectacular about it. If anything, I found it quite boring. I thought something was missing. Something I needed to make me enjoy sex. So I went to look for it.
What did you do?.
I started my exploration on the internet. Google was my friend. I searched for edgier ways to have sex, and kept reading and clicking links till I stumbled upon BDSM.
I was 19 and in the USA for university when all my research finally led me to groups of free-spirited people. These people invited me to sex parties and dungeons.
The more parties I attended, the more people I met and they let me know when the next party would happen.
Was it safe?
Yes. Some of these parties you’d have to register for. You’d fill out forms, pay a fee, and also present tests that showed you were free from any sexually transmitted disease or infection.
The ones that didn’t require forms are just regular parties that sometimes spiral into something else.
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Did you like the parties?
I did enjoy it. I was a very curious person who wanted to try everything she saw, and I got the chance when I was 20.
I met a man during one of these BDSM events. He was my very first dom and I felt safe enough to tell him about activities I was curious about. Sex with him included activities that caused pain. There was the bondage as well as the flogging. He once used a paddle with holes in them. Those paddles hurt a lot and the actions helped me realise I didn’t have a high threshold for pain.
There were a lot of things he was into that after trying out, I realised weren’t for me. He was into fire and blood play. He’d ash cigarettes on my body, run lighters over his skin, and use candles… The candles were the only thing I didn’t mind, and that’s when it’s done with low heat.
When he cut himself sometimes, the blood would make a mess. I wasn’t a big fan of being cut, but I liked to watch when he did it to himself. It was intriguing.
My earlier experience was very extreme. The things I did were considered extremities in the BDSM community, but that was my introduction.
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How long did it last?
It lasted for about a year because I came back to Nigeria at 21. When I got back to Nigeria, I got reintroduced to someone I had known since secondary school but never really spoke to.
We met at a party and hit it off quite well. He was also trying to figure out what he liked as well, and we did a lot of exploring together. He didn’t know he was a dom, but he had a very domineering personality and was willing to explore a bunch of kinky things.
After facing extremes, I had gotten a good amount of information on what I didn’t like and what could be modified to fit my taste, but there was a lot more to figure out. I mean, I didn’t even know what kind of sub I was.
With this guy, we were both young and curious. It felt slower than the last one, but there was enough curiosity to keep us going.
At this time, what were some things you were sure you weren’t into?
The only two definite things I never wanted to try were age play and race play. I felt like with those two things, the lines can be very easily blurred.
How did you go about trying them out?
Parties. In my early twenties, I was still very active on Facebook and was present in a bunch of BDSM groups. They’d organise parties and sometimes to attend, you’d have to pay a fee. Not only that, but you’d have to share results that showed you didn’t have any STDs or STIs. During one of such parties, I met a woman who indulged my need to have unplanned sex.
Tell me about her.
She was not a constant in my life, and we had an off-and-on relationship from when I was 21 till I was 24 years old. I liked our relationship because it worked for us extremely well.
Explain “extremely well.”
My early twenties was when I explored the most, and she was responsible for it.
Having to plan sex made me very uninterested because I believe that sex is something that happens in the heat of the moment. Planning takes away the excitement.
So if I had a fantasy, I’d mention it to her and she’d do all the planning. The next time we see, it’ll unfold in front of me.
That must’ve been nice.
It was. I travelled to the UK at 24, so we weren’t able to continue the relationship we had.
Then at 26, I met another dom who was in his mid-forties. We met at another one of the sex parties. At the party, we chatted a bit and then linked up later to discuss boundaries and set up our agreement.
The relationship was the grounding point in my BDSM journey. He helped me discover I was a brat, schooled me a lot about the power that came with being a sub and helped me find a balance between the pleasure I wanted and the pain I liked.
With everything else I did when I was younger, I was inexperienced. He took me under his wing and made me more aware of myself.
Sounds like a mentor.
Exactly! A dom is your teacher and confidant. They look after your interests. That’s why it’s so easy for subs who don’t know what they’re doing to get abused and taken advantage of. There’s a lot of power you hand over to a dom. Anyone can misuse that.
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What about romance?
It wasn’t a romantic relationship, just an agreement between two adults who knew what they wanted. We still talk but are no longer involved in that way. Mainly because I came back to Nigeria two years later.
Did you have another dom after him?
Yes, but it didn’t last long because he wasn’t exciting enough for me. Lack of excitement made me go kinda celibate.
Kinda celibate?
Well, I haven’t met anyone that excites me enough that I’d want to share my body with, but I also have needs. All the sex I’m currently having is with myself.
A lot of the people I’ve met in the Nigerian BDSM space are clueless or just experimenting. It’s not their fault. A lot of people are scared because of cultural, religious, and social biases against sex and sensuality.
However, I know what I want, and that’s to be more emotionally engaged. It’s interesting to me how what I’m looking for in a dom has changed over the years. Initially, I wanted someone strong-handed who would take charge of things and tell me what to do even though I’d fight.
Now, I’m more interested in someone that’ll engage my senses while they still have mental control. I want someone that’s completely invested in me as a person. Also, I’ve not been in the mental space to act as a sub for a long time. I feel like anyone who tries to come at me forcefully would have to fight me.
So, what will you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
The sex I’m having with myself? A 10. Sex with a partner? 0.
RELATED: Sex Life: I Was Celibate For Almost a Decade
