Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this Sex Life is a 27-year old gay man who sometimes doesn’t have sex because he forgets. He talks about being a late bloomer, and the role the body standards in the gay community affects how he views his body.
Let’s talk about the first time you had sex
It happened on Christmas Day in 2014. I was 20, in university and tired of being a virgin. Everyone I knew was having sex, and when they spoke about it, it sounded like they had a great time.
I had waited that long because I was very picky. I had an idea of what I wanted the first guy I slept with to look like or act like. Eventually, I got tired of waiting for that person to come along and took matters into my own hands. I opened Grindr one day and chose the first guy who said hi to me. I even wore white when I went to see him to mark the event.
Did you always know your first time would be with a man?
Yes. I’ve known I was gay for as long as I can remember. I had a crush on one of my male neighbours when I was 6, so the concept wasn’t foreign to me, and I never had a phase where I questioned my sexuality. In fact, I’d like to think I was born with a glee CD in one hand and a Lady Gaga album in the other.
LMAO. So back to your first time. How was it?
It was absolutely terrible. First of all, the sex was painful. Not as painful as I feared, but it still hurt. I think the only reason it hurt so much was because the person I had sex with was not very patient or in tune with my needs.
Secondly, his breath smelt like fish. Thirdly, I was on the receiving end of it, and since he didn’t know it was my first time, he just went at it. He also used bleaching cream as lube and I’m still scarred from that. I just wanted to get it over with.
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Bleaching what?
See. I had an idea of what sex was going to be like. So I also knew I had to use lube, but thought he’d have some with him. Shoutout to him for his improvisation.
Luckily for me, one bad experience wasn’t enough to deter me from having sex again. Since my friends were doing it in abundance, I knew what sex could be like.
What was it like the second time?
It didn’t happen until six months after the first because I was fighting for my life in university, and the sex was still somehow. The guy was very lazy and put zero effort into it. It even felt like he was counting because he did nine pumps and was done.
I didn’t enjoy sex until my third time later that year. I was in a relationship with someone in another state, but I had feelings for this guy I had been talking to. I went to his house to find out how we could remain friends and get closure, but I got there and my clothes left my body.
Unlike the people I had slept with in the past, he was more intentional about making me have an orgasm. He wanted me to enjoy it and I think it’s because he liked me.
With the other people, I had felt like a sex toy, only existing to please them. With him, I was a human being.
Unfortunately, it was a one-time thing. I didn’t want to keep cheating on my boyfriend, plus the guy was my friend’s ex. There would have been too much drama involved.
What eventually happened to your boyfriend?
Well, he came to see me and we had sex for the first time. Having sex with him made me realise that romantic feelings can influence how great sex is. It was very intense, and I enjoyed it. He was also very great at it.
He had more sexual experience than I did, so he knew just what to do. Most times, my lack of experience hindered me from fully enjoying sex. I’d spend so much time wondering if I was doing everything right. Sex felt like an exam I had to pass,and it made me very self-conscious. I had doubts.
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What kind of doubts?
Well, since my ex had all this knowledge about sex, I wondered if I was good enough for him. It didn’t help that it turned out he was dating someone else while also simultaneously dating me which led to us breaking up. This person he was dating, there were rumours about his sexual prowess.
After we broke up, I didn’t have sex with anyone for the next two years. Not really because of him, but because I had moved states and was finding it difficult to meet people. So, I was just masturbating and minding my business.
Eventually, when I was 24, I was back in familiar territory and I wanted to have a hoe phase. It felt necessary.
How did the hoe phase go?
It didn’t really happen. I did get my body count up, but I don’t consider it a hoe phase because I wasn’t having as much sex as I wanted. If I had my way, I’d have been having sex every day. However, sex is very stressful and has a low reward. Most times, I’d just masturbate and post-nut clarity would remind me that sex is not all that, especially for a gay man on the receiving end.
Explain, please.
Sex for people on the receiving end as a gay man is different. You have to watch what you eat so your digestive system is clear, douche and clean for like an hour before sex just to make sure there’s no accident, for what? Thirty minutes of sex? When I gauge it, it doesn’t seem worth it.
I see. Sounds stressful.
It is. Add the fact that I’m also not the most sexual person, so sometimes I’d forget to have sex. As much as I wanted a hoe phase, I wasn’t thinking of it enough for a phase.
My relationship was sex was tied to my body. Sometimes if I add weight, I would go without sex till I had lost the weight. The body standards in the gay community also don’t make it any easier to deal with.
I had a lot of insecurities around my body and it affected how I viewed myself and what I had to offer. I grew up as a fat child and no matter how much I work out and how healthy I eat, I still see myself as I was a lot of years ago. Add the fact that with sex you have to be naked and open to whoever you’re sleeping with? I was struggling.
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What kind of body standards?
A lot of people in the community want to either look really skinny or really muscular. Then you have the men who fit into neither of these labels being excluded from the conversation. I enjoy working out but then I feel like the community adds to the pressure.
When I started working out and getting more muscular at the age of 25, a lot of people started hitting on me. People I was friends with and looked up to started to hint at having sex with me. It felt very strange because these people had never hinted at it before I started going to the gym.
So were you having more sex?
Not really. I tend to go long periods without having sex. I have had sex three times in the past year and it’s because the opportunities presented themselves.
I’m not the most spontaneous person, so sex means I’d have to plan a lot. To plan, I need a set schedule and there’s currently a lot I’m juggling. Fitting in sex will take a lot from me. There’s the fact that I still feel a certain way about my body. I said I’d have more sex when I get hotter, but with the way I view myself, that’s not anything that might change anytime soon.
Also, 90% of the people that move to me are not people I find sexually attractive. As much as I complain about the body standards in the gay community, I feel like I am still part of the problem.
With all of this, how would you rate your sex life on a scale of 1-10?
I’d give it a 2. I want to be sexually active, but I’m too lazy for the work needed. I want to be able to have sex at least thrice a week.
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