Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of this week’s Sex Life is a 24-year-old heterosexual man who feels the size of his penis is preventing him from living his best sex life. He talks about how being shamed by multiple women has scarred him.
What was your first sexual experience?
When I was 12, I had a girlfriend. We used to make out in school and had plans to have sex after a school party. We didn’t go ahead with the plan because she backed out.
Do you know why she backed out?
She was scared. I was also scared, but I didn’t tell her that. I was happy she backed out. I moved on like I was the bold partner.
Why were you scared?
I was 12 and didn’t know anything about sex. I had never even masturbated. In addition to this, I was scared of hell. I wasn’t a Christian, but there was this evangelist by my house who preached every morning about the dangers of sex and why anyone who had it outside of marriage would rot in hell fire.
Yikes. What happened after?
We eventually broke up a year later. I think I came out of the relationship a bit bold, so I was making out with girls in my class a lot. I never went beyond that. Eventually, I met a girl in my neighbourhood who wanted to do more.
She was more experienced than I was — at least, that was the reputation she had. She was the first person who put her hands down my trousers. I didn’t allow her to go any further.
Why didn’t you go any further?
I didn’t want to be the novice in the equation. I wanted to be ready. After that day, I stole some porn CDs from my brother’s room and watched them a million times. After that, I tried masturbating. I couldn’t the first time.
Why not?
I guess I wasn’t comfortable touching myself. However, the more I tried, the easier it got. Eventually, I was doing it so much — sometimes twice a day — I forgot about women.
When did you eventually go back to women?
Not until after secondary school. I transferred to an all-boys boarding school after Junior WAEC, so it wasn’t easy to find girls to make out with.
While I waited for university, the first person I made out with was my brother’s girlfriend. She was about two years older. When she removed my zipper, she had a reaction that I didn’t understand at the time.
She went ahead to suck my dick and I didn’t think too much about the expression after. It was the first time I had an orgasm from anything other than masturbation. I enjoyed the experience a lot more than when I was masturbating. So I started to actively go after girls who were older.
How did that go?
I didn’t have much luck with that . A lot of them were condescending. Rightly so, sha. They wanted to know what I could offer. I didn’t have any money or social capital. I wasn’t necessarily attractive, so they moved on.
When I finally got in bed with a girl older than me, it was a disaster.
What happened?
We had been sexting for a bit and were both excited. The day we finally set to have sex, we decided to go out first, just to tease each other a bit. By the time we got to her hostel, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
When it was time to have sex, and we were both undressed, she looked at me and laughed. This babe laughed so much, I was completely embarrassed.
Why was she laughing?
She eventually said, “Is this what you want to put inside me?” as she gathered her clothes and began to put them back on. I’ll never forget that.
That sounds horrible.
Nah, it was more than horrible. I had never thought of myself as having a small penis. It wasn’t even in my vocabulary. And because I didn’t watch a lot porn that involved men — I watch a lot of lesbian porn — I had never fixated on a man’s penis.
I didn’t know what was supposed to be big and what was supposed to be small. Even after this incident, I kept thinking that she was being very subjective, so even though it dented my pride, I still forged on.
What did you do next?
When I started university, I got into a relationship and we started having sex regularly. I enjoyed the sex most of the time. I thought with all my heart that she was enjoying the sex too.
The way she moaned and screamed when we were having sex made me believe I was doing something right. We broke up when I was in my second year. Our breakup wasn’t even sex-related.
A few months later, we got into a post-breakup fight, and she insulted my penis out of spite. One very strong Yoruba insult that I can’t remember. I later found out that while we were dating, she was sleeping with other men to satisfy her sexual desires because I couldn’t.
Wow. That’s sad.
I couldn’t date or have sex with anyone after that experience. One time I tried and my penis wouldn’t even stand. I just gave up and went back to masturbating.
Sometimes I stand in the mirror and I’m like, “But it’s not even that small.” Really, I’ve seen smaller ones in porn. During university, I wanted to explore creams, but I was scared of the side effects. I also couldn’t afford any of the supposedly ‘good’ ones I saw online.
What’s your sex life these days?
I’ve had a few good experiences since my ex and I broke up, but I’ve also had a few bad ones. There was a time I was talking to a babe and thought that we could eventually date. She wasn’t in Nigeria, so she used to send me nudes a lot.
She never asked me to send her nudes though. I eventually asked if I could send her nudes and she said ok. I did it because I wanted to be upfront about what she was getting into. When I sent it to her, using the best angles ever, she sent me really positive feedback. I thought we were cool. A few days later, she blocked me everywhere.
Another time, I was in bed with a babe, we had just had sex. She seemed to have enjoyed it. Then she started playing with my penis and talking to herself, she said, “It’s so small, it can’t even make me gag.” She was joking — her tone was playful — but we never saw each other again.
What about the good experiences?
I’ve started learning other ways to please women. Other positions that work to my benefit. And I want to believe my stroke game is fire. I think I’ve pleased a bunch of different women, but I can’t trust them. They’ll be moaning like they’re enjoying themselves, only for them to go behind my back and insult me.
Right now, I sleep with the same set of women. I’m afraid to meet women who don’t already know my penis size or my insecurities. An ideal world would be me dating and getting married to someone who’s understanding and kind.
An ideal world would also be getting enough money to afford a penis enlargement surgery because I do really want to do that. God knows that if my penis is bigger, I’m going to become a nude model. I’ll just get in shape and become a nude model. Maybe even a pornstar. Hopefully, one of the babes who made fun of my dick would see me and come correct.
Haha. So how would you rate your sex life?
5 over 10. Just because I’m not exploring. My sex life is not exciting. This small penis is really holding my destiny back. Because if not, I would have been an ashewo.
