BDSM is an umbrella term for any activities under Bondage, Domination and Submission, and Sadomasochism. A lot of people still consider it unconventional sex, so we got 9 Nigerians to talk about their active participation in BDSM.
Ada, 24
I have a daddy kink I think I got into it in secondary school. Honestly, I didn’t know it was a thing but I always liked the idea of having someone to take care of me. I don’t like regular relationships where people don’t “talk” or aren’t accountable for the other party’s feelings. When someone fusses about what I eat or wear and gives me lots of attention, I really like it. I like the idea of being a sweet baby girl with a daddy who loves me. The daddy in question is obviously not my biological father.
I got deep into it in 2018 after my last ‘normal’ relationship. I had one man that said he was into being a daddy, and would always tell me that he loves me and send me money. He loved watching cartoons, so we would stay up talking about stuff we liked, but he was married so I had to ditch him. I didn’t want sex at the time, I just wanted hugs and affirmations. Just the rush of hearing your partner say “Daddy loves you” feels so good. Knowing that someone is there, the person really gets you and would do anything to make you happy is what I really like about it. I’ve tasted what having someone who loves me like that feels like, I’m not going back to the ghetto.
Nkechi, 21
My ex would do things and ask if I enjoyed them. It started from choking, using ropes, hard spanks etc. I enjoyed it, so I kept exploring whenever I could. I read about things, watched videos and had discussions before hand so I eased into it. Now, I can say I’m into bondage, dominance (I’m a Switch), gagging, humiliation, masochism, voyeurism, role play, whipping, nipple clamps. The basics.
With being a brat, I love to be tamed. In every day life, I get away with a lot of things or have control. So, that being taken away from me is a huge turn on. I’m also a pleaser so satisfying my dom makes me feel fulfilled, and I like being called a good girl. With being a dom, I love my pets being obedient and trusting me with themselves and their pleasure. It’s all a mental thing that makes the sex experience more intense and pleasurable. I’ll like people to understand that it’s not about just slapping, pain and all that. There’s respect, understanding, and the necessity of consent. It’s also not dehumanizing.
Tope, 21
I had actually always wanted to try bondage and submission. I saw it in porn and I knew this was something I wanted, but I never got to do it until this year with my current partner. She’s bolder than I am, so one day she asks me if she can tie me up. I was so excited about it, but I tried to not show it. I’ve been abused a lot sexually, and sometimes I used to feel guilty for not being able to stop it. Before, I didn’t really used to enjoy sex because it was so triggering for me, but doing this makes it easier to enjoy myself. It makes me feel liberated, because even though I’m being submissive I know I’m in control of that situation.
Zainab, 19
Honestly, I do not think I can explain why and how I got into BDSM. All I do know is that it has been a very interesting journey that has led to me discovering new things about myself. When explaining my roles, I usually say “I am a bratty masochist switch with a degradation and praise kink”. Basically, I like being punished by dominants when I don’t listen and I like being degraded and praised. I am also a bit of a pain slut and a huge masochist; the more pain you cause, the better.
The only things I know I cannot try are piss play and scat, but every other thing is fair game. It gives me a sense of control regular sex does not give, and I love control. The biggest misconception people have of BDSM is that they base it off of the rubbish in Fifty Shades of Grey. Consent and safe words are very important, especially if you do a lot of scenes. Also, never forget aftercare.
Kunle, 30
I am a little over 6ft tall with a little bit of muscle, so people project a lot of expectations on me. Sure, I can be a bit threatening when I have to, but I do not like to. During sex, I like to submit and be used. It makes it easier for me to just relax and free myself from stupid societal pressures. I would really like more men to test their submissive side. It is not all the time alpha male, sometimes, tell your woman “yes, mistress.”
Amaka, 20
Well, I found out about BDSM from the erotica novels I read. I did research then I eased into it as a sub, I even had a dom. After a while we separated. So as of early last year, I went through some stuff that made me start taking charge of my life. I discovered that I want to take charge everywhere, so I threw myself into more research and found out that I was actually a switch. Temperature play is actually my favourite. It is something I like doing to my subs, and having done to me. Although it can be quite extreme sometimes, it is worth it. Very few things in BDSM come close to temperature play in terms of thrill and anticipation.
Jane, 23
Actually, I got into it organically, it wasn’t like I planned to. I like to tease the men I’m having sex with and one day I met one that seemed different. He understood that I was teasing him because I wanted to get punished so yeah that’s how we did some Consensual non consent (CNC). We kept going, I took a BDSM test online and tested 100% positive for being a submissive, brat, and also a degradee too. Because of this, we decided to not just have a FWB relationship but also a dom-sub relationship. It’s being good so far, and I’m really enjoying the lifestyle. People always think BDSM is about flogging, which is why I think anyone who wants to go into it should communicate with whoever they are doing it with. In fact, they should always communicate.
Cynthia, 24
I heard BDSM was a therapy for abuse and was curious, so I found a professional BDSM coach and I went through light and dark therapy as ways to build trust and communication. The dark therapy is discussing your triggers, and it could cause flashbacks, that’s why it’s called the dark therapy. Learning to communicate, willingness to try sex, the autonomy to give consent is the light therapy. It worked out well, and I got over the fear of having communication. I now have autonomy over my body and understand the entire concept of consent.
Ibrahim, 28
If there is one thing BDSM taught me, it is a lot of self control. If you are into edging and orgasm denial, then you will learn a lot of it. Being so to the edge but not being allowed to just tip over can be a very exhilarating experience. I figured it out during a lot of “private time”. I would purposely deny myself an orgasm because when it did eventually happen, it felt even ten times better. Giving up control of your own pleasure to another person is something I think everyone should try at least a few times.
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