Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 28-year-old heterosexual man who spent the better part of his 20s travelling around Nigeria for sex. After being with about 60 women, he says he’s finally found peace in monogamy.
What was your first sexual experience?
The memory is pretty vague, but when I was younger, someone who lived with us watched a lot of porn. So, at a really young age, I knew things I shouldn’t have known and was trying things I probably shouldn’t have been trying.
When I was 7 or 8, female cousins and family friends would come around, and we’d sneak off to the corner to fool around — a lot of kissing and dry humping. I didn’t even know what I was doing, but I still tried.
I still think about it from time to time; I don’t think porn was the only source of my curiosity. Honestly, I think my subconscious might have suppressed something traumatic that happened. I suspect that I might have been molested by one of my older cousins, but I can’t say for certain.
Damn. When did you have sex for the first time?
I was 16, and I’d just finished secondary school. I was still trying to figure out which university I’d attend, so I decided to crash with an older friend who was already in school. He used to have his friends come around, and one of them was a babe in her mid-20s.
One day, I was gisting with my friend, and he asked if I was still a virgin. At that point, I’d only ever gotten handjobs and blowjobs, so I told him. He asked if I’d be down to fuck someone he brought for me, but I thought he was just joking, so I shut it down.
About a week later, his friend came over and he said something to her. She went into his room, and he told me to go in after her. When I got in, she told me to sit down and we started gisting. One thing eventually led to another, and we had sex.
Did you feel pressured by your friend?
Not at all. Having sex was something I really wanted to do, but I just didn’t know how to make it happen. To both their credits, I never felt like I was being pressured. The fact that the babe and I had a conversation beforehand made it feel a lot more organic.
I was honestly just glad to get it out of the way. I actually came away from the experience believing that I was great at sex, but a few years later, she told me that I kinda sucked. That’s how I became obsessed with sexual research.
Really? What kind of research?
I was reading books, watching porn and asking women who were willing to talk. I just wanted to know how to be better at it, specifically trying to understand what made sex enjoyable and special for women.
Porn helped? Most people believe it’s a terrible teacher.
I get that. A lot of them are very unrealistic — from the overeager moaning to the ever-lasting erections — but a few of them can be quite insightful. If you’re willing to wade through the trash, I think there’s a lot you can learn from porn.
How did the research pan out?
It was very helpful. I was single in school, so I was exploring a lot. I wasn’t really into the babes at my school, so I did a lot of travelling for sex. And since I was sleeping with multiple people, I was always in my head about delivering in bed.
Most times, you only get one chance to impress. I didn’t want a situation where someone would spread gist that I was a waste of body count. So, the research definitely helped me put my best foot forward in a lot of cases.
Did you get super adventurous?
Not really. I tried two kinds of threesomes — two men and a woman; two women and a man — and experimented with pain, but that’s as far as my wildness went. Never felt the need to do anything that was over the top.
How much travelling did you do for sex?
Man, I reached Oyo, Abuja, Port Harcourt, Benin and a lot more. I took weekends off school just to travel for sex. Hotels used to do it for me then, and unlike Lagos and Abuja, they were pretty cheap in most of the states I reached.
Lmao. You really moved around that much?
Yeah. It helped that I actually enjoyed travelling. So, I’d just chat up someone on social media, and we’d eventually make plans to meet up. This was even how I met some of my closest friends — our relationship started with me travelling to meet them for sex.
I mean, we are all cool now. There’s no longer any sexual tension. Most of them are married or in serious relationships, but our first point of contact was no-strings-attached sex. Then the friendships inadvertently followed.
Mad. How much sex were you having?
It was a lot. I can’t give an accurate number, but I think I slept with about 60 women. It could have been a lot more, but I didn’t find the babes in my university attractive at all. At some point, I decided to try being celibate for a year — just to see if I could — but I didn’t get past 5 months.
Would you have called it an addiction?
I think the word addiction is too strong., At the time, I never thought about it as something excessive. I was really just enjoying my youth. Looking back it now, however, I feel like a professional might have called it an addiction.
What’s your sex life like now?
Well, I’m in a committed relationship, and it’s a lot more stable. It’s less stressful trying to please just one woman. So, yeah, I’m a completely different person now. I’ve definitely grown up a lot, and I no longer feel like I have to prove anything to myself.
So, you were trying to prove something to yourself before?
Yeah, I was. In secondary school, I was too shy to even talk to girls. I was the guy that would stand watch for friends while they had sex. Once I gained my confidence, I think I started using sex to validate my masculinity and self-worth. Thankfully, I’ve moved past that stage.
Do you ever miss sleeping with multiple people?
Nope. When you’ve hooked up with that many people, nothing feels special anymore. With monogamy, you are developing a real connection. No matter what anybody says, sex is more fun when there’s an actual connection, especially when you’re in love.
Another benefit of monogamy is that I’m no longer as anxious as I used to be about sex. I’m not constantly worrying about getting a negative review, because I know that if I’m off my game for any reason, my partner wouldn’t judge me.
Would you say you’ve found peace in monogamy?
Before I answer that question, I want to make it clear that I don’t believe we are all meant to be monogamous — I genuinely don’t think it can work for everyone. For me, however, I have definitely found peace in it.
I think it’s the best thing for me at this point in my life, but I don’t know if I’ll still feel this way a few years down the line. Anything can happen. My partner could wake up one day and decide she wants to be open.
Oh? You’d be cool with your partner wanting an open relationship?
I’m definitely not opposed to that. I feel like relationships, especially now, can’t stay the same for too long. When you’re in a long-term relationship, things will eventually get boring, so it’s important to be open to spicing things up.
I mean, it might not even have to be with an open relationship — it could be with introducing toys or trying threesomes — but you have to be open to having that dialogue. I think that’s the key to being in a long-term committed relationship.
How would you rate your sex life on a scale of one to ten?
I’d give it an 8. Honestly, I’ve felt like a character in a movie — I’ve seen things, I’ve done things, I’ve been used, I’ve used people, I’ve shuffled through fetishes, I’ve explored my body. So, yeah, I think an 8 over 10 is fair. I know for a fact that I haven’t lived a boring life.
Considering your exploits, why not a 10?
I don’t think I know enough. I definitely haven’t reached my final form yet. There’s probably still a lot to explore. I believe that when I’m finally living with my partner or married, I’ll figure more shit out. That’s why it’s not a 10 yet.
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