Sex Life is an anonymous Zikoko weekly series that explores the pleasures, frustrations and excitement of sex in the lives of Nigerians.
The subject of today’s Sex Life is a 21-year-old straight woman who talks about being averse to sex for a long time, discovering that she loved BDSM through her ex and navigating sex with her current partner.
TW: Sexual Abuse
What was your first sexual experience?
The first was non-consensual. I was eight, he was 15. He was a family friend. I never spoke to anyone about it until recently when I told a few friends because I thought it was my fault. It instilled a fear of naked men and penises in me for a long time.
I’m sorry. How did that affect your sex life in adulthood?
I essentially became a prude. I even wanted to become a reverend sister. Nothing about sex appealed to me. I never even made out with anybody. One day, I realised that I couldn’t let what someone did selfishly control my life and stop me from living. It had gone on long enough, and I had to have sex.
What did you do?
I told the person I was dating then that I was ready to have sex. He had wanted to for a long time, but he never pressured me. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready. It was easy because I was in love with this person and he was gentle. It was more about sharing the experience of sex with him than the act of sex itself. He let me take charge of everything — getting the hotel room, planning the day and all of that. I guess he wanted me to feel in control, and he made it clear I could back out at any time.
How was it?
I knew first-time sex wasn’t the way it’s portrayed in Hollywood movies, so I gave myself a pep talk to relax. When we got to the hotel room, we talked for a while and he didn’t make a move until I initiated it. It was initially painful and I didn’t enjoy it, but I think that was because I was too scared and anxious about sex.
What came next?
I broke up with my first boyfriend and I didn’t have sex for five months. Then I met this guy online. We instantly had sexual chemistry and although we hadn’t met, it felt like we’d known each other a really long time. Then we met up at a party. He had a striking but quiet face but his eyes told me that he was sinister. I would know because I’m sinister too. He’s tall, dark-skinned and intelligent, which are all things I’m attracted to in men.
There was a lot of sexual tension between us. He had this dom energy and that drove me crazy. He was due to travel out of the country for a few months, so we knew we had to fuck before he left.
How did that go?
We met at his apartment and whew, we fucked everywhere. We fucked in the room, bathroom, living room, balcony — all over the place. We engaged in BDSM and that was the moment I realised that I loved sex. It was so good that he delayed his flight for three days. He did things that still give me flashbacks till now.
Wow. What did he do?
He cuffed my hands, blindfolded and gagged and had me kneel in front of him for a few minutes which felt like hours, without touching me. Then he asked me to lie still on the bed and spread my legs with a spreader bar. At this point, I was shaking so badly out of anticipation and sheer horniness. The wait was killing me. I couldn’t move and that multiplied the sensation for me. There’s a difference between making love and fucking, and he fucked me ruthlessly.
We had so much sex that I fell sick after because my body was exhausted.
Omo.
It was more pain than pleasure. It was a different kind of sex that I didn’t realise I loved. Considering the fact that I had hardly had sex before that, I started craving it a lot and he was there to walk me through all my cravings. It was ruthless sex, the kind that was devoid of all emotion.
Whew. Then what happened?
He became my dom. We dated for eight months but that had to end because it was becoming toxic. There was a lot of shouting and yelling and crying. We dated off and on but kept getting back together because of the sex.
Did you sleep with other people after him?
A few but nobody was really measuring up to my ex-dom. There was this one guy I fucked that was really good but I blocked him after.
Walk me through your thought process?
I didn’t really expect the sex to happen but it did, and it was good. But that needed to be the end. He wasn’t really my type.
So what are you up to now?
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a few months now. Our sex is pretty great and he knows how to make love to my body.
I met up with my dom and had sex a couple of times after the final break-up. The last time was a few months ago. I couldn’t really help it. There’s like invisible, unexplainable chemistry between us.
What do you think would happen if you met up with your ex-dom now, considering you’re in a relationship?
Hmmm. Hmmmm. I can’t assure you that nothing will happen oh. We’re nothing but pencils in the hands of the creator.
LMAO. What would you rate your sex life right now?
I’ll give it a 9. We have great sex. He’s open to trying out freaky stuff and knows my body like the back of his hands. We fuck every time we see, which is almost every day. I’m content with it, but I still crave that disrespectful sex sometimes. I find myself comparing him to my ex-dom and I don’t think anybody can beat that.
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