There are two types of people in this world: those who still have their childhood best friends and those who have changed their entire friend group at least twice before hitting twenty.
While it’s never easy to let a friendship go, sometimes, it’s necessary. I spoke to some Nigerians about the signs they noticed when their friendships began to fizzle out.
“We were no longer on the same page” — Ovie* (28)
We were friends for several years, and then all of a sudden, she became very religious. I’m a Christian too, but she was reaching obsessive levels. I’m talking about “fighting online for your pastor who is always in a scandal” levels. I tried to make her see that she may be in a cult, but she didn’t take it well. She insulted me, and I realised that she had a persecution kink that couldn’t be helped. I backed off after that. Sometimes, I think back and wonder if I could have done more to save the friendship, but I’ve accepted that our relationship is dead now.
“I saw her less and less and less” — Bolawa* (27)
At some point, I noticed I didn’t see her as often anymore. I shook it off because she was dating someone at the time, so it made sense to me that we didn’t spend as much time together. But then it got worse. She stopped showing up for our friend dates, stopped planning things with me, and, in fact, stopped talking to me the way she used to.
In the beginning, I made sure to ask if everything was okay, and she reassured me that it was fine. Then I noticed it was her partner who was keeping her from her friends. I tried to get her to see that the person she was dating was trying to isolate her, but she never listened. So I stopped trying. Much later after her relationship ended, she tried to pin the death of our friendship on me and it was almost as painful as the feeling of being shut out by her when the relationship was fizzling out.
“I was the only one putting in the effort to keep the friendship alive” — Nani* (26)
The first time I realized the friendship was fizzling out, I told her that I was in her city and I got no response. It was our tradition since we were younger that every time I was around we would meet up to catch up, but that particular time she just didn’t bother to hang out or contact me.
Then it dawned on me that I was the one always reaching out and wanting to hang out, I was the one always doing the visiting, and I made a decision to stop texting first and reaching out first, and since then, we’ve basically turned into strangers
We stopped texting in general and now, I don’t even know anything about her life anymore and vice versa. So, we basically drifted apart because she wasn’t willing to pull her own weight in the relationship.
“She moved on from our friendship first” — David* (30)
I had this friend from a long time ago when I started medical school abroad. We had both just started our studies in a new country, so we got pretty close very quickly. I confessed my feelings for her at one point, but she didn’t feel the same way, so we kept it platonic.
About three years ago, I noticed she stopped replying to my messages or my usual comments on her WhatsApp status. Initially, I didn’t think much of it; we’re really busy these days. Shortly after that, I called her several times and got no response — even till now.
So I let it go entirely. I had known this person for at least 7 years, but I guess she moved on from the friendship, and while accepting that it wasn’t painless, I think that’s fine in the end.
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“Her energy towards me changed completely.” — Olamide* (26)
I know people talk about noticing energy a lot, but it’s undeniable when it’s drastically different. We had been friends since secondary school where we were bunk mates, but we weren’t really close at the time. When we met again in University, in the same class, doing the same course, we instantly hit it off and became so close, people thought we were dating.
I have ADHD, and she really wanted to do well in school. You can imagine what that combination looked like. I hardly ever read, and she just felt like she wanted to do more. I didn’t begrudge her her goals, but I guess she felt bad about it. I don’t know honestly, but she started pulling away, and I just kept pretending nothing was wrong. She would have competitions and wouldn’t tell me. When I asked about it, she would say she didn’t think I was interested. It felt weird and made me feel bad because, as my friend, why would you think I wouldn’t be interested in supporting something you care about? At the end of our second year, we talked about it and our communication improved. I thought I finally had my friend back, but then things changed for the worse again.
She started ignoring me when we saw each other at the faculty, and she would only respond if I approached her first. It got exhausting, so I deleted her number and focused on myself. It was when she noticed that I had stopped reaching out to her she tried to contact me, wanting us to talk through it. I was too hurt to accept her olive branch and told her I wasn’t interested in our friendship anymore. This happened a few years ago, and we’ve fixed our relationship to the point where we’re acquaintances again, but I don’t think we can ever become as close as we were before.
ALSO READ: “I Can’t Deal With Takers” — 5 Nigerians on Friendship Icks They Absolutely Can’t Stand
How to let go without being the villain in their life story
Recognising these signs is one thing, but knowing what to do next is another. Here are some #mature ways to handle the situation.
The fade-out method
If you notice that the friendship is already on its last legs, let it fizzle out naturally. You can take a step back from the efforts you were putting in before. Start texting less, don’t reach out first, cancel a plan or two, and watch it die a peaceful, quiet death. No confrontation needed.
The honest chat
If they’ve been a significant part of your life and you rate them, consider having an honest conversation with the person. Conversations like this are difficult and sad, but they can help set expectations from both ends appropriately.
This method might even revive your friendship if you both put in the effort. However, if there is no evidence they want to make it work long-term, you can let that friendship go.
The dramatic approach
This is strictly for wicked friends like the one in this Sunken Ships story. Drop a WhatsApp status like, “Thank God for a successful friendship breakup. May affliction never rise again.” If they send a message asking what happened, air them like a radio wave.
Strengthen your other relationships
If you notice that a friendship is on its last legs, instead of beating yourself up about it, you should prioritise pouring into your other friendships. You won’t carry all of your friendships into your old age, but accepting the end of one friendship doesn’t mean all the other ones should go down the drain. The energy that you feel isn’t appreciated in one friendship can be used to bolster your other relationships.
If you enjoyed reading this, you’ll also enjoy: 5 Nigerians On Why They Cut Off Their Best Friends
