Sunken Ships is a Zikoko weekly series that explores the how and why of the end of all relationships — familial, romantic or just good old friendships.
Joshua*(30) created a close group of friends who weathered the storms of university with him. However, they began to avoid him after they graduated, and he was having a hard time finding his feet.
In this story, he discusses how he realised that their friendship had run its course.
Tell me how your friend group began.
In 2012, I met *Chidi at the University of Nigeria. His roommate was a mutual friend, and as I kept visiting, Chidi and I eventually became really close friends.. By late 2012, I introduced Chidi to my other friend, Nonso. They clicked immediately, and the three of us became a tight trio. Then, in early 2013, I met Richard, who was a year below us. I saw him as a younger sibling and was fiercely protective of him because of his effeminate traits, which made him a bullying target.
By 2016, all these friendships merged into one, and we became a clique of four.
What was your friendship like with your group?
It was tight-knit and fantastic. We’re all queer, so we naturally became each other’s primary community— our own little found family. We all had creative interests, so we shared poetry and stories with each other. We also went through some tough times together.
In 2016, Chidi, Nonso and I were meant to graduate, but all three of us had extra semesters. The experience was not as bad because we had each other. It even felt like the universe wanted to keep us together a little longer. We spent a lot of time together that year.
It sounds like your friendship was great. What changed?
Things slowly started to get weird in 2017, though at the time, I shrugged it off as nothing. Chidi began hanging out with a group of queer people who were much older and prominent in the school’s creative community. After a while, he became noticeably more elitist in his interactions with others.
He started saying things like, “If you use this type of phone, don’t talk to me.”At first, I thought it was playful banter. Everyone at UNN that year was obsessed with Drag Race culture, and it was trendy to be a diva. But for Chidi, it stopped being jokes and became his actual personality.
He would constantly throw shade at everyone in the group, especially me. In hindsight, he found every opportunity to belittle or insult me, but at the time, I took it in stride because I thought he was just being silly.
Things didn’t get better as time went on.
Tell me about it
After school, we were scattered across the country. I was in Enugu, Chidi moved to Lagos, Nonso was in Akwa-Ibom, and Richard went off for NYSC in Ife. Our friendship became more virtual. Chidi didn’t really talk to us anymore; he was stuck in his elitist ways and drifted further away. But the three of us— Nonso, Richard and I remained close. In 2022, due to some family issues, I quit my job and moved to Port Harcourt. Port Harcourt isn’t far from Akwa Ibom where Nonso stayed, so I told him I’d like to visit him. He seemed excited at first, but anytime I proposed a date, he would say he was busy. At first, I understood. Life happens. Jobs are demanding. But then something else happened that made it clear he just didn’t want to spend time with me.
What incident was that?
In early 2023, Richard had to be in Uyo for work. I was excited because I hadn’t seen him since we graduated. I suggested that Nonso and I visit Uyo so we could hang out like the old days, but Richard declined, saying he’d be too busy with work. I thought that was fair and took his words for it.
A few days later, I saw videos and pictures of Richard and Nonso hanging out together on social media. They’d planned it. They cut me out so I wouldn’t try to join them.
How did that make you feel?
Foolishly, I didn’t read much into it at the time. I just thought it was great that two of my closest friends found a way to spend time together. I wish I was there, but I didn’t think they intentionally cut me out.
Looking back now, it’s obvious.
Fair enough. What happened after that?
Nothing, really. I remained unemployed in Port Harcourt, and eventually, I got tired and moved back to Lagos. While there, I applied for a master’s degree abroad and was awarded a scholarship in 2024. I was excited and shared the news with Richard, and I remember him saying it was nice that something good was finally happening to me. He then admitted he’d been avoiding hanging out with me because it felt like I didn’t have anything going on.
It really stung, but I shrugged it off again.
Shortly after that conversation, in September, my phone broke down, and I went offline. I couldn’t afford to change it, so I got a little torchlight phone as a replacement. It was during this time that I noticed something significant: Acquaintances from social media checked up on me when I went offline. But none of my so-called best friends reached out—not even one.
In October 2024, I called Nonso for his birthday. He didn’t respond, not even with a “thank you.”
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Whoa. That’s terrible.
The experience made me realise I was the one carrying the relationship. If I didn’t reach out, they wouldn’t reach out. They didn’t want to hang out with me, and they didn’t care how I was doing.
I reviewed our friendship and realised I’d ignored so many signs: the belittling insults, the constant distancing and the outright avoidance. I decided to cut my losses and stopped reaching out entirely.
Have any of them tried to reach out to you since then?
When I got a new phone and posted something online, Richard tried to worm his way back with weak excuses about being “too busy” and “missing me”, but I’m not about that life. I responded politely, but I know better now. He’s not my friend.
What’s something you learned from this experience?
First, just because you’re in the same community doesn’t mean you’re truly friends.
Second, you have to stay vigilant. Sometimes, you outgrow friendships. Sometimes people outgrow you. Not all friendships last forever, but forcing a dying friendship to stay alive is more painful than letting it go.
Do you think you’d ever reconcile with your friend group?
No, never. I think we’ve become different people with different beliefs. It hurt, but I think we’re better off apart. I’m making new friends, and I’m happier now than I was before.
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