Tell me about your relationship with Kunle
Kunle and I had been friends since we were kids. We first met at his cousin’s house for a birthday party, and we became close. When he visited Lagos from Abuja, he stayed with me instead of his cousins, and I often visited his house.
We went to the same A-level school, which deepened our bond. We both had family in Germany, and we made plans to meet whenever we were on holiday there at the same time. Our friendship was great, and we had a good time. We remained close even after he left for university abroad while I completed my degree in Nigeria.
How did you guys come to live together?
After completing my master’s in the UK, I felt directionless and depressed. I didn’t have the energy for most things. I was staying with an aunt, who made it increasingly clear that I was overstaying my welcome. The pressure to move out was mounting, but finding a job in the UK was more challenging than I’d expected.
One day, I was on the phone with Kunle, complaining about my living situation and how I felt like a burden to my aunt. He immediately offered to let me move in with him. At first, I refused since I hadn’t gotten a job, but he convinced me. I agreed to rent a small room from him for two months. The move was supposed to help me clear my head and change my environment. He offered to let me stay for free, but I insisted on paying half the rent. I moved in at the end of October 2022.
How did you find your new room?
The room was small, but I paid very little rent, and living with my guy made me happy. When I moved in, I met Kunle’s white girlfriend, Prudence. I need to mention that Kunle dating a white woman was very jarring to me because he only seemed interested in them after his ex-girlfriend back in Nigeria broke his heart. I didn’t say anything though, because they seemed happy together.
Prudence was welcoming and called me her bestie after just a couple of conversations. I found it odd, but I embraced their welcome, and all was well for two weeks. We played video games all the time and spent hours talking. I also got to meet the other two housemates who shared the flat.
What happened after two weeks?
Kunle had to travel to another city for work. As a freelancer, he secured a gig that required him to be away semi-permanently. This meant I had to spend a lot more time with Prudence. To help him afford to keep the flat, I increased my contributions toward the rent and groceries. I didn’t mind because he was my friend, and I was happy to help. However, after he left, things started getting very uncomfortable.
How so?
Prudence completely switched up. She started making horrible jokes about me and became passive-aggressive about everything. She also made snide comments about Kunle renting the space to me, claiming the room was actually hers and they were helping me by letting me stay there. Even when I gently explained that I was actually paying the full rent by that time, she continued making weird comments about me being there. Initially, I avoided bringing it up with Kunle because I didn’t want to cause any strife in their relationship, but it became unbearable. I ended up doing most of the chores while Prudence refused to clean up after herself. I also bought the majority of the groceries despite her knowing I didn’t have a job. This went on for months.
Did you ever bring it up with Kunle?
Yes, I did. To my surprise, he started avoiding me. He stopped replying my calls or messages. Sometimes, he would visit the house for the weekend and not tell me. I caught him sneaking around the house, trying to avoid me. It was so awkward and isolating that I started to question why he invited me in the first place. The rare times we spoke, he would cut our conversation short because he had to go back to Prudence.
Because he did nothing, the abuse and disrespect from Prudence increased. She would scream at me, call me names, and accuse me of not cleaning, even though I was the primary cleaner in the house. The other housemates, who were care workers, were rarely home. It was frustrating and left me feeling powerless. Kunle ignored my messages, let alone offered any support.
The last straw was when she barged into my room with her drunk friends, mocked me, and called me an immigrant she and Kunle were helping. It was so hurtful. I texted Kunle about it, but he never replied. I got really depressed.
I’m so sorry. What did you do after that?
I would have done nothing if not for a stroke of luck. I told a mutual friend of ours in Brighton about what I was going through with Prudence and Kunle. He was so appalled he asked me to move out of there immediately and head to his house in London. This was in July 2023. I told Kunle and Prudence I would move out in ten days. Suddenly, Prudence started being nice to me again, claiming she didn’t want me to leave and that she enjoyed having me around. The gaslighting almost made me dizzy. Then, she told me that Kunle had proposed to her, and they were getting married soon.
Wow.
Wow o! I was surprised, too, because he never mentioned it to me. I tried to be happy for him. Even though I felt terrible about how our friendship had deteriorated, I wanted to support him and attend the wedding. When I asked about the wedding details, Prudence said they didn’t need me there. They had space for four witnesses but wanted only their white friends there. I took the hint and moved back to London. A few months later, I moved back to Nigeria.
Did Kunle ever reach out to you?
Yes, a year after I had moved out of his place. We hadn’t spoken at all during that time. Out of the blue, he texted in one of our old WhatsApp groups, asking if I was free for a call. I had missed him terribly and saw his message as an olive branch, so I accepted. You won’t believe what this crazy man told me.
As soon as we hopped on a call, he asked why I wanted to ruin his marriage. I was confused and asked how. He said that by telling my family and our mutual friends about how Prudence treated me, I was painting her in a bad light. When I tried to explain how his lack of support had left me feeling isolated in a foreign country, he dismissed my feelings and said I was exaggerating. Then, to my disbelief, he demanded an apology.
How did this make you feel?
I felt betrayed and incredibly disappointed. I couldn’t believe Kunle was willing to throw away almost twenty years of friendship. It made me reflect on my boundaries and how much leeway I was giving people to hurt me just because I was close to them. Never in a million years would I have imagined Kunle would do something like that to me.
Do you think your friendship with him will ever recover?
No, that ship has sailed. I learned a lot from that experience; you can’t hold space for someone who treats you like that. I don’t wish them any harm, but I have deleted their numbers and kept my distance.
I moved back to Nigeria at the end of 2023, and I have been slowly healing the trauma of that isolating experience. I now have much stronger boundaries and lean on friends and family who actually support me.
