Kemi* and Paul* were perfect together until he had a mental breakdown and ghosted her. Now, Paul keeps proposing marriage to her, but the damage’s been done, and Kemi absolutely refuses to expose herself to the possibility of such hurt again.
This is Kemi’s* story, As told to Chioma
I dated this guy when I was 28, and we were perfect until he disappeared on me nine months into our relationship.
Paul* and I met in university in 2018. He was roommates with a close friend of mine, but I didn’t like him then because every time I saw him, he had a bottle of alcohol in his hand. I didn’t want to be around that. I believed alcoholic men ended up being aggressive partners, and I wanted no part in that.
But whenever I called my friend, his roommate, I’d insist on speaking to him too. I’m an extrovert, so I didn’t want him to feel left out of our conversations.
That’s how we started talking, and I got to see him beyond my bias. I found out he carried a bottle everywhere because he’d been poisoned before. He didn’t want to ever be in a place where he had to drink what other people served. I got to see that his head and heart were in the right places.
We dated for nine months, and yes, we were in love. With everyone trying to figure out their shit, and Nigeria being a nuisance, we were two people who knew exactly what we wanted. The relationship was easy; we were very honest with each other.
Then at some point, he had a mental breakdown, and we started to struggle. Depression is a bad thing. I’d never seen him like that before, but I understood, and he knew I did. I just wanted to be there for him in any way he needed, but he wouldn’t let me. He just drifted till he completely disappeared on me.
He still went to work and posted on social media. He just wasn’t speaking to me. I wanted to run mad. It was such a scary period in my life, but I knew it had nothing to do with either of us.
I sent him messages every month. I needed to know that he was okay, that he was still breathing, but he didn’t respond to any of them.
He finally called to share some good news, and it felt great, like he still cared about me. He told me things were turning around for him, and he wanted me to be in the know.
We’ve gone out for drinks a couple of times since we started talking again. He explained the ghosting was to protect me because I’d be hurt if I saw him broken. I refused to talk about what happened. I was still hurting, but I didn’t want him to feel accused or blame himself.
We’re in a pretty good space now. We’re friends, and I’m with someone else. Paul’s been asking me to marry him for almost a year, but I can’t. I deeply fear being abandoned, and even though I see he’s in a better place now, I worry it might happen again, and there’s nothing I’d be able to do about it.
He’s a great person, and I still care about him, but I can’t put myself through that again.
