For many people, navigating opposite-sex friendships after marriage requires careful consideration and open communication. On the one hand, you don’t want to blur the lines and give your partner reasons to worry; on the other, you don’t want to be the friend who cuts off those you’ve known all your life because you found your Cinderella or Prince Charming.
So, how do you find the balance? These married Nigerians share what works for them.
Abraham*, 39
I still have relationships with most of my female friends, but the dynamics changed after marriage. Many married before I did, so I mostly did the pulling back. I’m pretty playful around my friends. I hug, carry, pull, and peck at will. They know me as a touchy person, so they don’t complain. But imagine keeping that energy after they married—that’s asking for trouble. However, I noticed they got closer and more comfortable around me after I married. They’d invite me and my wife to events, weekend getaways, etc. I’ve even made friends with two of their husbands, and I’m cordial with the others.
Ibukun*, 28
My closest male and female friends from uni and secondary school have remained my friends even now as a married woman. I’m an only child, and I consider my friends the siblings I never had. One of my male friends matched my husband and me, so it was only natural that the friendship remained intact. I can’t say anything has changed since we got married. My male friends visit our house and play games with my husband, and we’ve gone on multiple getaways together. At this point, my husband has accepted them as my siblings too. And when my friends get married, their wives will have a sister-in-law in me.
Veronica*, 31
My husband never had any reservations about my male friends while we were dating. I was super close to two guys, and one of them even became pals with my husband. But after we married, I noticed my friends kept their distance. They wouldn’t text if I didn’t reach out and weren’t keen on visiting unless there was an occasion. At first, I thought I’d done something wrong or was worried my husband said something to them behind my back. However, during a conversation in our group chat, they said they were respecting my union and didn’t want to overreach. It was painful, but I also understood their point. We still consider ourselves friends, but there’s been a shift in how close we are.
Bunmi*, 28
I hate to admit it, but my husband is insecure when it comes to opposite-sex friendships. It’s something I noticed right from our relationship days in uni. He’d get moody if he saw me hanging out with guys or if he came to my hostel and saw male friends around. It was initially a huge red flag for me, but something happened in my final year that also made me paranoid about male friends. This guy, who I considered my closest friend, made strong sexual advances toward me. It unsettled me so much and ruined that friendship. I didn’t share the experience with my husband, but it made me see reason with him. We got married four years ago, and I honestly can’t say I’ve made any new male friends or made efforts to maintain the ones I had in the past.
Ibrahim*, 35
I’ve lost a couple of female friends to marriage, and it’s probably not their fault—it’s mostly mine. I always feel the need to pull back after a female friend marries. It’s my way of respecting their new status. I’ll gladly return the energy if they try to keep the relationship as it was. But with most, they maintain their lane after I pull back, which helps me know that I made the right choice to keep my distance. As a married man, I can’t say I go above and beyond to make new female friends. If it happens, I always make it clear that I’m married. That way, there’s no room for mixed signals. Also, they must befriend my wife.
Soji*, 40
I have an understanding with my wife: Her friends are my friends, and my friends are her friends. In most cases, this hasn’t always been 100%, but I can say at least 75% of our friends are mutual. This has helped with the whole opposite-sex friendship thing. It’s hard for me to mention a female friend my wife doesn’t know, and it’s the same with her. It also helps that some of these friends are married, and the single ones have serious partners.
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